How many times do I need to prove to myself that remaining active is pivotal to my general outlook!? Sigh!

The last few weeks, as mentioned in my eeyoreish previous post, has been void of activity. I justified this with the “not enough time” excuse, a very versatile excuse if I do say so myself, but a valid one at that for many of its applications. A couple of days leading up to my birthday (yesterday), I had the idea to really make it a good one by starting to run again, as I had been feeling like a goopy stick of butter as a result of nonactivity. Because I was CLEARLY taking the day off (no question) I would have the time to be active, and because my wonderful momma is visiting, I have more time even after I get back to work post-birthday, as she is graciously grocery shopping and cooking while she is here.

So I ran and I showered (brilliant combination), and had a nice little birthday. Today, I feel amazing. I feel like I can accomplish whatever I want, I feel pleasant in general, and most profoundly, I am telling myself “it’s okay” about the number one stressor that’s rolling around in my brain at the moment. You see, back at Christmastime I told my friends and family that I will not be returning to Ontario until my M.Sc. is submitted and done. This has been a goal that I have stuck to throughout the year, one I have been excited to keep as if my return to Ontario will be glorious, fraught with confetti, accolades, and celebrations galore…except my friends’ wedding in early August is really throwing a wrench in this declaration and subsequent daydreaming of an epic return. I have been very conflicted about going home pre-defense for a few reasons, mainly because A. I don’t want to go home for a week and risk losing my momentum and B. I said I wouldn’t. And this second reason, totally fucking arbitrary, is much more painful to think about!

I think because of my tiny run yesterday, I am feeling a lot better about this stressor. Who the heck cares if I’m not done when I visit home? If I weren’t within defense-time, I would absolutely go to the wedding. I want to go. It’s just this nagging feeling deep in my body that I failed at meeting this “goal”.

Every day I debate what to do and I usually switch my answer every other day. To be honest, because I am having trouble getting contact lenses as I haven’t had an optometrist appointment in over a year, and because my health card just expired yesterday, I will most likely be going home in August to attend the wedding and take care of these important chores/whathaveyous – or at least that is how I have been feeling in the last 36 hours. What I haven’t yet decided is whether I’m going to make it a 5 day trip and visit with almost no one (more likely and very rude) or make it 8 days and go hide out in my cottage for a productivity-inspiring change of scenery and still visit with almost no one (less likely and more rude). I think the more time I spend in Ontario, the more likely I am to treat it as a holiday and I don’t actually want that right now.  And the more time I stay in Ontario as a hermit, the more rude I am to all my friends and family I really want to see – it’s just this damn momentum I want to preserve! I think the solution is to book my ticket to Ontario, and wait to book my ticket back until I am I know how much I have accomplished and how much time I can afford to spend away, as there are textbooks and ancient desktop computers with necessary software that I cannot transport with me. And I think I shall book my ticket home tomorrow, so that I can end this endless debate.

All in all, I believe this stress has been assuaged by the world’s shortest run. I have learned once again the value of activity. I mean, I was a couch potato for probably 20 years or more, so I’ll give myself a few more years to hammer this lesson home, guilt-free. But it is insane how much difference this stuff makes.

Hi all,

About two weeks ago I attended a workshop at the Centre for Teaching, Learning and Technology during which we discussed “What do you wish you had known as a new instructor or student at University?”

I attended this session as a means of gaining insight from the brains of wise veteran instructors.

The group was small, but I was very much enlightened by the end of the session. We explored both the realms of students and instructors – what we’d like to be equipped with when new to the (either) scene, and what resources we should provide to new folks, as veterans.

In answering these questions, we constructed maps with clustered post-it notes that summarized themes, pivotal questions, and solutions. The maps for students and instructors ended up being virtually identical. It seems that, in being a “new” anything, our biggest issue is fear of the unknown and how to be confident and succeed in new and unfamiliar environments. As veterans, it seems that providing support in a number of ways – paper resources, directing to campus services, reading groups, one-on-one guidance – could do the trick.

What really struck me was that the (self-declared) lack of the “newbies” could be easily remedied by what the veterans could provide – mentorship. I suppose I use the term “veteran” to mean “expert”, implying that there is an understanding of the field, the content, and likely of the cogs that make the whole machine work. This is why I say they could “easily” support those facing the unknown, I refer to the inherent knowledge base of a veteran.

When I began my engagement with teaching and learning, my dad (an emeritus professor) sent me a book he’s had for years, titled Adviser, Teacher, Role Model, Friend: On Being a Mentor to Students in Sciences and Engineering by the National Academy Press. This book starts by broadly defining a mentor as “someone who takes a special interest in helping another person develop into a successful professional”. It mentions that in academia, mentor is often used synonymously with faculty advisor or lab supervisor, which isn’t always the case. Mentoring fosters a relationship that is personal in addition to professional; “an effective mentoring relationship is characterized by mutual trust, understanding, and empathy. Good mentors are able to share life experiences and wisdom, as well as technical expertise”.

Since this cartoon lightbulb has gone off at the CTLT workshop and continues to float above my head as I go through this nice little book, I have been thinking a great deal about mentoring and ways to improve work environments via this avenue.

I encourage you all to think about issues you may have run into as a “newbie”, problems you may be facing in the workplace, and consider what place, if any, mentoring has in the solution. Feel free to leave a comment and start a discussion too! I would be happy to discuss – this is my own personal “Hot Topic” right now!

Over time, dear blogorinos, I have developed a system for dealing with high-stakes emails, which in the world of M.Sc. really means supervisor feedback. It basically goes like this:

1. Begin by expecting the worst.
2. Once the feedback finally reaches my inbox, develop stomach pit.
3. Read quickly, much like ripping off a bandaid.
4. Abandon email, slowly and quietly process, and go back within a day to re-read and thoroughly consider.

Normally this works swimmingly. It allows me to “get over” the fact that yes, there is feedback in the email (why isn’t my work just perfect already!?), then move on to appreciate it and develop an action plan.

This week, the plan didn’t go quite as swimmingly as usual. On the Thursday before Easter Long Weekend, I had a (self-imposed) deadline to tie up all the loose ends on what I had recently been working on and send my supervisor all of it before I went on a glorious weekend trip (which left me very refreshed, I’ll have you know!). I did just that – sent her 4 files with a detailed list of all the things I had done since I sent her a file one month before this.

Yesterday – one week later – I received a response. Here is what I got out of my “quick read”/item # 3 of my high-stakes email response system. Keep in mind I’m still under the influence of items 1 & 2.

Hey Rebecca

I’ve gone through all your files. You did a lot of work, but you still have tons more to do, sucker! It will take you forever.

I edited everything. In the 2nd Chapter, the one I didn’t know you were working on, there are multiple times I don’t understand what you are talking about. Good job. This needs work. That needs work. This and that need work.

You may recall I said I wanted frequent updates during my sabbatical. Now I never want to hear from you again until your whole thesis is written! Ha!

You may also recall you wrote a detailed list outlining all of your progress and choices. Well, I don’t! I didn’t read that list, which I will now prove to you with a number of statements pointing out, with incredulity, the things that are already carefully explained in my inbox! O, if only I were to read it!

Sincerely,

Jailkeeper

Before we proceed – let me emphasize again where I was in the mental realm. Not only did I want her to edit a large chunk of my thesis (well, the largest chunk I’ve produced yet), some of which she didn’t quite know was coming, I had requested to Skype and discuss defence dates. It was most definitely a “high stakes email” – one that would help me figure out when I can finish my degree. So I most definitely had a pit in my stomach before reading it, and I most definitely read it pessimistically. My “paraphrasing” above is in no way representative of how my supervisor writes or would speak to another individual – not even close – let me remind you I adore her. Simply, her email was disappointing as it did not touch on Skyping nor determining a freedom date and rather pithily pointed out all the weaker aspects (amongst a sea of 1000s of words of new material) which I believe I already explained/described my plan to tackle them. My pessimistic attitude took her response and, during item #4 of my high-stakes email response system, convinced me that what I had read in her response is what is written above. Ah, the mental health of a M.Sc.!

So that’s how it sat with me for half a day. I first read her email sitting in my comfys, just out of bed around 6:30AM, and unsurprisingly felt bummed out afterwards. Luckily and unluckily, I had to mark like crazy, so although I didn’t have time to dwell, it allowed me to avoid a subsequent re-reading of the email. Finally in the afternoon I got to it again, re-read it, and then I opened the edited files. This was something I neglected to do in the morning.

The feedback? There was barely any editing. It was totally manageable. The chapter she didn’t know I started working on was largely unedited. Given how thorough her editing always is, I am going to cut myself a break on this one and believe that this is a good sign, not a bad one. My response to this new development was basically polar opposite to my reaction of her email: I laughed.

Though her email still reads a little more pithily than usual, it is balanced by good support of my writing efforts. Could it be possible she doesn’t want to edit as frequently because she trusts my writing skills? Oh wait, hasn’t she told me I’m a good writer, multiple times? Could it be that there were only 2-3 sentences in my surprise chapter’s methods that confused her? Could it be she’s confused about some things because we did those experiments over 2 years ago and as a 2-month-in graduate student at the time, I didn’t quite have a handle on exactly what was happening? Hang on a second, didn’t I want her feedback on those points to begin with, to clarify what we did back then?

And so, I have learned the flaws of my system. Firstly, I should probably cheer up chum. I am well aware I need to work on pessimism and this experience was definitely a case in point. In addition, while it is nice to give myself time to process important developments, it really only works if I understand what has actually developed. Not just an email I’m dreading to read, but the actual feedback that will propel me into the future.

Sigh. It’s friday. It’s sunny. I’m going to a play tonight. I’ll get through this…eventually…sucker.

8 hours ago, me to officemate: “Planning my defence is going to be challenging, considering 2 committee members have to videoconference in from separate places.”

officemate: “Yea, sux to be u!!!”

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1 hour ago, Skype: “O hai Rebecca, wanna download our new version? You can videoconference with people in different places. No big deal.”

Me: Fall off chair.

Happy Friday Everyone!

Hey…so…

I’m suffering from an intense overload of grad student-ly emotions: stress, relief, shame, motivation, confidence, vulnerability, bitchin’-ness.

That’s right: I just Skyped with my supervisor. And now I’m losing my mind.

Well, that’s not quite accurate, though I am feeling post-conversation nervousness. And to compliment the cocktail of emotions listed above, lets add overwhelmed and avoidance-y, considering I have made my next move a blog post whilst I turn on “Say Yes to the Dress”. Seriously people, I need to unwind for 30 minutes.

To begin explaining/working through the emoti-cocktail, let me just say that I may have unique feelings about my supervisor: I feel that I have won the supervisor lottery. She’s been very supportive throughout various roadblocks I’ve encountered, can usually motivate me, and give me confidence. On top of that, I just love her! I actually consider her a friend, or as “friend”-ly as we can be given our professional relationship.

Despite my adoration for this woman, I can be rather terrified of her at times. After all, she is my supervisor and as dictated by the universal laws of graduate study, I feel totally inadequate on average. Today we had a skype date for the first time of the new year. It had been a while, and I felt like I had to say something impressive.

What occurred was a gentle tread into what I really wanted to talk about: graduation! [Please read the g-word as if it is sung by angels whilst heavenly light breaks through the Vancouver clouds]. Weee! I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, though the light is about the size of a pinprick. I have definitely enjoyed my time here and am grateful for all the challenges and opportunities it has brought me, but I am ready to finish this up and ask “what’s next?”.

Well, we did indeed tread into this topic and I was slightly disappointed by what I heard…a graduation date was suggested that was a few critical months beyond the time I dream of it happening. And because I think my meetings with her must [presumably] resemble confession, I brought it up. I not only brought it up, but I laid out my best laid plans, what I hope my next step to be.

Here’s what I heard in return: “………Rebecca, I KNEW you were going to do that. I KNEW it!” and then she proceeded to say lovely things which boosted my confidence and kiboshed the disappointment I felt just moments before. So apparently she is either the equivalent of my high school girlfriends that can predict my every move, or my aptitudes and interests indiscreetly scream at those who know me. I’ll take either.

Okay, I’m feeling better now. I needed to process the chain of events during this meeting, and this blog is such an excellent tool for doing so. Moreover, Say Yes to the Dress just ended and now it’s time to tackle my day on campus.

Thanks for reading a pretty candid look into my emoti-cocktailed MSc. journey.

Over the holidays, I visited home in Ontario and visited my partner’s family in England. Both visits were absolutely wonderful! Being home definitely let me daydream about the future (consult previous post). Though I love my hometown and that marvelous feeling of home in my core, I was very happy to get back to my current home in Vancouver. It’s nice to have my clothes hanging up and fresh laundry when I want it, use my own fridge and kitchen, and bake bread! Yum yum.

While in Ontario, I had the opportunity to give a short re-read to one of the more inspiring books I’ve read in the past couple years, Me to We by Craig and Marc Kielburger. I didn’t go through it all, but in the short bit I covered, I came across a line that really struck me, which goes something like this:

It doesn’t matter as much whether you reach your goals, as long as you have the right ones.

Let’s emphasize less the first part of the sentence, because what resonated with me is having the right goals. This sentence can justify countless graduating class’ yearbook goals to “save the world”, “help the environment” and so on. It’s so true that having a positive attitude and having positive goals can be the driving force in motivating what you do.

Ignoring now my previous post about thinking too far ahead, I have imagined a combined To Do + Goals list detailing the direction I wish my life to take in the next 5 years (justified by the excerpt above). Really it’s a wish list, and I would be so lucky to acheive or touch any of these goals. I realize that life can change in a split second, but it’s fun to plan. Potentially the “funnest” part of this list? I have recently added a goal which is to be on the television show PICK A PUPPY in the next few years. I honestly don’t care about being on television, in fact I know that I would start speaking gibberish as soon as there were any cameras, the goal is that I want to play with various puppies in order to pick the perfect on to fit in my family!

….I caught 10 minutes of that show the other day and I think it would be the best fun. I’m aiming high, people!

Earlier today I returned from a weekend-long retreat on Bowen Island, more specifically the Instructional Skills Workshop (ISW) Fall Institute. At this institute, we focus on celebrating and developing our skills as facilitators of ISWs.

My attitude during this retreat was interesting, consuming. Whenever I attend workshops for facilitators, I can get a little hypersensitive. I’m a “beginner” at facilitating (and feel like a novice among all the facilitators I sit with at the ISW Fall Institute) and worry about all sorts of stuff. I worry that my comments are too “novicey”, too uneducated in terms of teaching and learning (which I actually don’t feel too bad about since this is not my current academic endeavour), or somehow too offensive or rude, which I never intend (I just overanalyze everything that comes out of my mouth afterwards). My confidence level is shot after one unintended flub. It can be fairly draining.

Despite my harsh self-criticizing, I actually enjoy going to the Institute. I went last year and had a trying time, but overall I would say that the time is so valuable. Just because I feel self-consious doesn’t mean I don’t learn, gain new ideas, or engage with the themes we discuss and try on. Now, I’ll share a point form list of tidbits I have walked away with this year, though I won’t flush them out tonight. I am mentally drained, and have a lab meeting presentation to prepare.

-I came across this wonderful quote, “until further notice, celebrate everything!” (Unknown). I try to maintain a joyful state in life – which I can’t deny is challenging at times – and so I resonate with this quote as it sums up my most positive state perfectly.

-I connected with some old, and new friends. I was able to reconnect with some people I haven’t seen since last year’s Institute, and got to know the new participants. In some cases I didn’t interact much with some of last year’s participants (the size of last year’s group was more than double this year’s), and so I was able to build my relationship with them this time around, which was great. I had some very special moments with some of the participants; some seemed to read my (most sensitive) mind and help me work through challenges, and I connected in teaching philosophies and ideas with others.

-Does expert vs. novice mean the same thing as teacher vs. student? In general, I think many students (and teachers) would say yes. I discovered through reflection this weekend, with the help of some very excellent facilitators, that one of my major pedagogical goals is to correct this, as I disagree with that view. It was a very wonderful realization, and not only that, but I received some ideas and guidance from these excellent facilitators!

-I challenged ideas. Sometimes I felt like the only person speaking to one perspective (well…at least one time that I remember specifically). In another moment, I was actually offended by the task at hand. It ended up being a very wonderful moment, as I was able to work through my upset with someone I admire, and she seemed to read my mind. She honed in on things that I hadn’t even realized about myself.

-I gained a number of little tips and tricks I plan to apply to my own practice. I also gained a list of ideas to consider in teaching/learning/facilitating. I wish to build a teaching portfolio in the next few months, so it was great to get the wheels turning on some issues.

Alright…time to science.