Hi all,

Damn, I suck a blogging. Currently, I’m sitting in an internet-less café (How Dare It) and am typing this up in Word because the tingling I-should-blog feeling I’ve had for the past 3 days has finally turned into a full-blown mood, and a blogging mood should not be wasted. [note: posted 2 hrs later]

There have been so many times in the past 2 months that I’ve wanted to write a blog but it’s either a bad idea (I’m angry) or I have emotions that I don’t know how to describe in any way that isn’t completely emo, and there are enough youtube and tumblr accounts for that as it is. And so I have stayed away, even though I have had the best of intentions, and loved you very much just the same, blog!

So as I may or may not have made clear in the previous paragraph, the past couple of months have been quite … rollercoaster-y.

I have been VERY emotional. Some days I feel like I’m 4 feet away from the summit of completing this degree. Other days I feel like I’m at the bottom of a mountain I’m not equipped to climb. Other days I shift between these two feelings minute-by-minute. It is fucking exhausting.

My poor dear boyfriend has dealt with a lot of crying outbreaks – for example: I’m*sob* sorry*sob* I’m*sob* crying*sob* again*sob* but*sob* that*sob* commercial*sob* made*sob* me*sob* so*sob* sad*sob* – WHAT IF WE DIE TOMORROW*sooooooobbbb*
…you know, the completely irrational. He just went to visit home for his 2-month summer break (he’s a highschool teacher) and while I miss him, I feel like it’s probably better for his sanity and for my productivity. We’ve also done a 2-year long distance stint so we’ll pwn this short break anyway.
Unfortunately, I’ve started to put a lot of pressure on myself to *be normal again* after I finish my degree, so that the poor dude doesn’t have to deal with this emotional overdrive forever. This pressure is already stressing me out. Do I even know what my normalcy is? Does HE? We started dating only 5 months before I started this degree…it could be my defining feature. Screw.

So I cry and I work and I avoid work. Those are essentially my 3 states. I get lots of sleep, but not too much, I go through moods of eating really well and eating really unwell, I don’t work out much anymore but it’s because I feel like there is no time, not because I don’t want to exactly. I’ve been finding working off-campus to be most useful, I’ve made my morning home in a new (to me) coffee shop, and for 2 days I had a glorious time working in a library that is a 1-hour drive from Vancouver when I accompanied boyfriend to his town-of-work. I also almost-always have some sort of hobby on the go for sanity: in the past 2 months it’s basically been either knitting at night or subbing on a friend’s softball team. Sometimes I forgo the hobbies and work like a boss all day. Hobbying is admittedly more common when dinnertime rolls around.

This past month I had some interesting interactions with my supervisor. She’s given me lots of help with anything and everything I ask, but the tone of her emails is reminiscent of the one I “paraphrased” months ago. It doesn’t help, but I’ve been rather guns-a-blazing with her a bit recently so we’ll call it even.
On the flipside, despite enduring my blaze, she has graciously expressed willingness to work with me in the (near) future, post-degree. Whether or not she’s just being professional I can only wonder, but I appreciate her supporting my future endeavours either way.

So I guess that’s it for now. Over time, I have been given a couple very lovely complements that this blog is great at documenting “what being a grad student is like” and I even had a good friend say “I wish new grad students would read this”. While that is probably a little too generous a compliment, it did prompt me to try and take on the goal of really documenting what the hell this ride is like. Unfortunately the “mood” I’ve been in for the past 2 months has been poorly documented as it is usually comes hand-in-hand with lethargy.

I’ll try to do better, although I resolve to never blog angry. And I hope that sometime soon I might have good news to share….

-Rebecca

Over time, dear blogorinos, I have developed a system for dealing with high-stakes emails, which in the world of M.Sc. really means supervisor feedback. It basically goes like this:

1. Begin by expecting the worst.
2. Once the feedback finally reaches my inbox, develop stomach pit.
3. Read quickly, much like ripping off a bandaid.
4. Abandon email, slowly and quietly process, and go back within a day to re-read and thoroughly consider.

Normally this works swimmingly. It allows me to “get over” the fact that yes, there is feedback in the email (why isn’t my work just perfect already!?), then move on to appreciate it and develop an action plan.

This week, the plan didn’t go quite as swimmingly as usual. On the Thursday before Easter Long Weekend, I had a (self-imposed) deadline to tie up all the loose ends on what I had recently been working on and send my supervisor all of it before I went on a glorious weekend trip (which left me very refreshed, I’ll have you know!). I did just that – sent her 4 files with a detailed list of all the things I had done since I sent her a file one month before this.

Yesterday – one week later – I received a response. Here is what I got out of my “quick read”/item # 3 of my high-stakes email response system. Keep in mind I’m still under the influence of items 1 & 2.

Hey Rebecca

I’ve gone through all your files. You did a lot of work, but you still have tons more to do, sucker! It will take you forever.

I edited everything. In the 2nd Chapter, the one I didn’t know you were working on, there are multiple times I don’t understand what you are talking about. Good job. This needs work. That needs work. This and that need work.

You may recall I said I wanted frequent updates during my sabbatical. Now I never want to hear from you again until your whole thesis is written! Ha!

You may also recall you wrote a detailed list outlining all of your progress and choices. Well, I don’t! I didn’t read that list, which I will now prove to you with a number of statements pointing out, with incredulity, the things that are already carefully explained in my inbox! O, if only I were to read it!

Sincerely,

Jailkeeper

Before we proceed – let me emphasize again where I was in the mental realm. Not only did I want her to edit a large chunk of my thesis (well, the largest chunk I’ve produced yet), some of which she didn’t quite know was coming, I had requested to Skype and discuss defence dates. It was most definitely a “high stakes email” – one that would help me figure out when I can finish my degree. So I most definitely had a pit in my stomach before reading it, and I most definitely read it pessimistically. My “paraphrasing” above is in no way representative of how my supervisor writes or would speak to another individual – not even close – let me remind you I adore her. Simply, her email was disappointing as it did not touch on Skyping nor determining a freedom date and rather pithily pointed out all the weaker aspects (amongst a sea of 1000s of words of new material) which I believe I already explained/described my plan to tackle them. My pessimistic attitude took her response and, during item #4 of my high-stakes email response system, convinced me that what I had read in her response is what is written above. Ah, the mental health of a M.Sc.!

So that’s how it sat with me for half a day. I first read her email sitting in my comfys, just out of bed around 6:30AM, and unsurprisingly felt bummed out afterwards. Luckily and unluckily, I had to mark like crazy, so although I didn’t have time to dwell, it allowed me to avoid a subsequent re-reading of the email. Finally in the afternoon I got to it again, re-read it, and then I opened the edited files. This was something I neglected to do in the morning.

The feedback? There was barely any editing. It was totally manageable. The chapter she didn’t know I started working on was largely unedited. Given how thorough her editing always is, I am going to cut myself a break on this one and believe that this is a good sign, not a bad one. My response to this new development was basically polar opposite to my reaction of her email: I laughed.

Though her email still reads a little more pithily than usual, it is balanced by good support of my writing efforts. Could it be possible she doesn’t want to edit as frequently because she trusts my writing skills? Oh wait, hasn’t she told me I’m a good writer, multiple times? Could it be that there were only 2-3 sentences in my surprise chapter’s methods that confused her? Could it be she’s confused about some things because we did those experiments over 2 years ago and as a 2-month-in graduate student at the time, I didn’t quite have a handle on exactly what was happening? Hang on a second, didn’t I want her feedback on those points to begin with, to clarify what we did back then?

And so, I have learned the flaws of my system. Firstly, I should probably cheer up chum. I am well aware I need to work on pessimism and this experience was definitely a case in point. In addition, while it is nice to give myself time to process important developments, it really only works if I understand what has actually developed. Not just an email I’m dreading to read, but the actual feedback that will propel me into the future.

Sigh. It’s friday. It’s sunny. I’m going to a play tonight. I’ll get through this…eventually…sucker.

Hello blogorinos,

I have had a very exciting week.

Firstly, my life has been gloriously devoid of DATA-ing. The goals I outlined in my last post, which I neglected to italicize, are materializing a little slower than I’d like (poor pacing in regular font, I suppose) but I did have a productive work day yesterday and I am now “in” writing my 2nd chapter. Meaning, I’ve started it, and have about 2 pages of writing. This is good.

What has been particularly enjoyable is that given the nature of this research project – that is to say, a long drawn out debacle that began before I even started my M.Sc – I have found that writing this chapter demands a stronger narrative voice than one might usually expect.

So I have had fun writing the methods…and the methods may very well be the meat of the paper because the project was methods development…except my supervisor is on holiday, does not know I’ve begun Ch 2. without finishing Ch 1. (which shouldn’t matter really, these are self-imposed deadlines), and may quash this little guiding voice I’ve inserted into the paper. Said quashing will take place approximately 2 weeks from now though, when she returns from her break and I’ve presumably flushed out the writing quite a bit. We’ll see how that goes, but for now I’m trusting my instincts.

Have I yet mentioned that I am enjoying writing? Much like running – who the heck knew!? It’s a challenge in that I am regularly limited by my lack of knowledge and am forced to take reading breaks, but when I can write, I certainly enjoy it.

Moving on – much is new.

1. I have been awarded the UBC Killam Graduate Teaching Assistant Award. This is a HUGE honour, to say the very least. I found out this excellent news in my mailbox on Friday, which made for an excellent weekend kick-off. This letter has given me back approximately 5 minutes (cumulative) per day since I no longer need to obsessively check the website with previous winners’ names listed. Also, it validates putting my ePortfolio first for 1+ week and my passion for teaching and learning. Probably not in that order. Poorly put.

2. I have reached a point where daydreaming and planning for the future is actually a good use of my time. I think the transition from being a waste to an effective use my time happened in the last two weeks or so?! In these last two weeks I have been told of numerous opportunities that would be basically perfect for me, and become available with fairly good timing. I have also met with an individual who I believe holds the golden key to my obtaining the post-grad job I truly want. This latter development happened just before I began to write this blog!

The bottom line from this meeting is that I should be able to acquire some sort of opportunity here (or at least apply for them…heh..heh…*sob*), and the job I truly want will indeed be available, but it will also be an international competition. ….slightly intimidating. Overall, the coffee date was very positive, Ms. Golden Key is very enthusiastic about what I do next, is supportive of my intentions, and I think I made it clear that I was officially throwing my hat into the ring for that job. I’ve also realized there is not just one Golden Key holder. There are many. Basically a whole faculty worth.

As it turns out, the timing of all the opportunities I alluded to above may work out in such a way that the jobs I like slightly less are getting filled slightly before the job I truly want, which is slightly inconvenient. I have to be grateful for the timing of all this though, I am a very lucky girl indeed that these opportunities are even available in the same general window that I too become available. I have some ideas of what to do next to continue on this path of future planning, many of which were supplied by Ms. Golden Key. Basically it consists on going on a number of other coffee dates with new and familiar faces!

I shall leave it here for now. Perhaps in the next post I will have an update on the future, or it may simply focus on writing, narrative, and getting things ready for my supervisor’s return….to email.

If I had to use one word to describe what I’ve been up to in the last couple weeks it would be DATA!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve been fixing up my data, I’ve been thinking about my data, I’ve been writing about my data, I’ve been confused about my data, I’ve been pleased with my data, I’ve been asking my supervisor about my data, I’ve basically been dating my data in a love-sick first-boyfriend kind of way. Not that I’d ask my supervisor about who I’m dating.

As per this post, I had set some goals for the end of March, particularly for March Break whilst I was home alone for the week. While I didn’t end up feeling as miserable during March Break as I predicted, I did indeed pump up my efforts, finished microscoping, and sent a draft of a chapter chunk to my supervisor. Huzzah! As an added bonus, her feedback didn’t say “burn it and start again”!

Last week I was lazier, in part because my boyfriend was back and my mom was about to visit, and in part because I lacked a thorough, motivating plan. Apparently, blogging in italics really solidified my commitment to microscoping. And so I declare this an accountability blog!

These last few days I’ve been trying to work on the discussion section without stats or my tables and figures and it is slow-going. I know all the tables and figures I will be making and have rough versions of them amongst my data sheets, but I haven’t made them in the professional-looking software yet. The only place I can do stats and make my figures is on an old computer in my office and I spend most of my time away from school at the moment (especially since my mom is currently visiting). Plus – what are stats? I need to do some serious reviewing.

So now I’m at a weird spot. I’ve decided to work backwards. I am not as far as I’d like to be in thesis-writing, but I feel like I may be able to catch up by starting the next chapter (without finishing the first). Earlier today I started fixing up my data for chapter 2. My logic is that I will be using many of my references for each section of my thesis (Intro, Ch1, Ch2, Conclusion) so why not write sentences for them all at the same time? Not the same sentences, but visit each reference only once (a girl can dream).

Along these lines, why not do all my stats and all my tables/figures for both chapters at once as well? If I go through the data this week as I refresh my statistical knowledge, I can soon create graphs and p values to no end (until the end)!

I don’t know if this will work. Either way, I will try doing Ch2 stuff for a little while to give Ch1 and I a much needed “time out”. As it turns out, getting hot and heavy right away has made Ch1 and I a little testy with one another recently. Plus I need to give myself some time to read up, which this does.

So this week I will be data-ing and reading. Next week I will be stats-ing and figure-ing. The following week I will be reading and writing as fast as I can. For Chs 1! and 2! and the Intro!

…Can she do it? Is it written in italics? Oh wait–

8 hours ago, me to officemate: “Planning my defence is going to be challenging, considering 2 committee members have to videoconference in from separate places.”

officemate: “Yea, sux to be u!!!”

.
.
.

1 hour ago, Skype: “O hai Rebecca, wanna download our new version? You can videoconference with people in different places. No big deal.”

Me: Fall off chair.

Happy Friday Everyone!

Today, Earth & Ocean Sciences Graduate Student Council hosted the first ever EOS Graduate Student Research Roundup from 2-4 PM in our main building’s lobby. As one of three Coordinators (the presidential role) for EOS Grad Council, I oversaw the planning of this event – I felt like it was my “baby”. This event was advertised for 3 weeks or so, and had a great response from student and faculty, who replied to the advertising emails with “Great Idea!”. It was a good start.

Yet here I sit, writing this blog before 4PM. I had 2 posters of my own on display and oversaw the event, so I would be there ’til the bitter end – and I was. What happened?

It is one of Grad Council’s goals to make connections with faculty and fellow students. As a Department, we are fairly segregated – the oceanographers in one building a 5-10 minute walk to the main Department building, geophysics in another, and so on. So you can go about your grad-studently life without having to connect with other groups – hence the reason we have this goal.

There’s an “urban legend” among some Grads that emphasize the disconnect:
Once upon a time in the early 2000’s, a graduate scholar was to give a scientific presentation for a the Department-wide seminar series but feared the wrath of faculty and their intelligent questions! And so the scholar decreed that no faculty were permitted to attend! And ever since, the decree has hung over the heads of faculty, who have not attended grad student initiatives ever since, and this way it will be forevermore!
While I believe that this event took place, I’m going to go ahead and quash the idea that there is some Disney-like evil charm preventing faculty going to events.

However, this evil charm may as well exist because we had low faculty attendance today. We had an excellent amount of grads at the beginning, we had some undergrads who wanted poster tips (and were very eager nice ladies if I do say so myself!), and we had a couple faculty smiling faces come by which was incredibly appreciated. But literally – just a couple. 2 or 3. Those who wrote “Great idea!” emails did not attend.

The lack of faculty became quite noticeable after the initial rush for free coffee and donuts. In response, even poster presenters began to leave the event to go do other things since faculty weren’t there. By 3PM there was a very small group of committed students waiting for the odd faculty to come see the event. By 3:30 or so the group gave up. Gave up and packed up.

I was disappointed in the low faculty numbers but the packing up was what really bummed me out. The low point was when a student even turned away a very enthusiastic professor who came in the 2nd hour on his own. He was really engaged and talking to a student (me) when others started packing up around us, I suppose because he was the only attendee at the time. When he turned around to talk to the next student about their research – whatever it may be – he was turned away!

I’m not intending to separate myself from this group, because I sat to write this before 4PM. I’m part of the problem. That’s the thing, we can’t truly be upset faculty didn’t come b/c we didn’t last the event either. What about faculty who came after 3:30PM? We’ll never know.

And what about the faculty who did? We would hope that the enthusiastic faculty members who came this time can encourage their colleagues to go next year. Except this one enthusiastic professor will most likely remember that he was gently told to leave. Now what kind of review do we expect from that?

Despite this narrative of disappointment, the grad student attendance was so satisfying, and the faculty that came were so pleased, that I believe this event will indeed become annual, as it was intended. Thus it is imperative we work on the model so that it will become better attended next year.

Lessons learned:
-The main thing is that I should give a voice to what I care about. Even if I’m on my own in my opinion. I could have made the choice to stay at the poster event to ensure it lasted until 4PM. When our faculty was “rejected” I should have said something like “well it’s not 4PM yet, who wants to tell _ about their research?” indicating that I would not participate in packing up.
-Clarify the commitment expected from participants – mainly that if you present your poster, you commit to be there until the (potentially bitter) end.
-Toy with the idea of shortening the event to 1 or 1.5 hours. If it is 1 hour, it should overlap for a 1/2 hour with 2 classes so that we can increase accessibility to teaching profs and students in classes.

On to the next, I suppose? How do you deal with group-effort disappointments?

What better way to re-introduce myself after a month-long blogging hiatus then with this video.

I swear, I may listen to this song every day between now and when I defend. My office mate was singing this tune Friday and this morning…and while it was fun to sing to on Friday, it really resonates on a Monday Morning.

This week I am home alone, and so my goal is to make myself miserable with working hard. Thus, I have resolved I will make each day infinitely better by listening to this song each morning to pump myself up! I suspect however, that if I work as hard as I hope to, “miserable” will shortly transform into “awesomeness” as it normally does when I see the fruits of my labour take shape (or is it get juicy?).

Moving on…or rather, backwards. Since the last post, I feel that quite a bit has happened:

I was lucky enough to go to Whistler for a week with my dad, and despite your *holiday* alarm bells ringing, I will have you know that I used the opportunity to work very hard, cross-train for the 5K (“cross” because I wasn’t allowed to run – thus the rower, bike, and elliptical were my poisons) and snowshoe every couple days. The result of that week? My Teaching Portfolio – it’s alive! This is a project I began in the fall and resolved to have “finished” by the spring and ta da! Nothing beats the motivation of future prospects. I say “finished” as a portfolio is always a work-in-progress, so what I really mean is a version that is complete enough to be published online. If any of you readers want to take a look and provide comments or feedback (as a reply to this blog post) I would happily welcome it!

Also completed: the St. Patrick’s Day 5k! I can’t believe I did it. And yes – I did it! I ran the whole thing, minus the forced walking bottleneck about 5 minutes in, which conveniently coincided with when my physiotherapist told me to take a walking break. My time was 36:18 and I am very, very proud. Last Monday morning I went to my physiotherapist to treat my exhausted ankle. It was swollen and sore, and ended up getting taped for 4 days. It made me feel like a REAL athlete. I’m so athletic I get my muscles taped. Bitchin’!

I recommend the St. Patrick’s Day 5k to anyone who is interested in starting to run. It’s not very competitive and instead is focused on having a good time. There are indeed prizes for fastest times, but there are also costume contests, and an irish-themed party afterwards. We had irish stew, cupcakes, lucky charms cereal, and more. It was amazing how much food they provided, especially since this is one of the cheapest races to sign up for! We were also given Granville Island pint glasses with the race logo and year printed on one side. You can pay to fill it up and have a true St. Pats celebration if you choose. The tag line is “Come for the race, stay for the party” – and boy is this true – a group of strangers challenging themselves and then celebrating together (community, anyone? One of my favourite things).

I definitely want to keep going with the running since I’ve come so far, and have picked out my ideal next race. The only snag is that this race coincides with the time I plan to defend, but conveniently I can register up to 2 days in advance of the race! So I plan to train as if I have signed up, but if the race ends up adding stress rather than relieving it during a very important time, I simply will not go ahead with it.

So those are my two very exciting developments. I’ll admit, I’m glad I can disappear for a month and come back with accomplishments under my belt. I will not let another month go by until my next update, but hopefully I can keep this pattern of achievements going. I believe I will – just last week I actually started writing. I’ve been in the “writing phase” for a while as I put it, but that included making an extensive outline for my supervisor, analyzing samples and planning. Now I’m actually writing the darned thing.

Hopefully by the next time I post I will have a significant portion of 1 chapter done (as per usual I will no jinx myself by saying what exactly) and be finished on the microscope. Oh, to be finished microscoping! My neck and general sanity dream for this day!

Until then…dreams of massages and running and general tomfoolery. Have a good few days, all.

Ten days after my anxious last post, and I’m still feeling good. In fact, I think I’m feeling even better.

I feel this great because I’m still in the positive feedback cycle of awesomeness! I was even forced out of it for a few days – as I was skilled enough to re-sprain my ankle – and happily climbed back in my hamster wheel once my physiotherapist-determined healing time had passed.

Things I have learned in the last ten days:

-Don’t clean the shower from within the shower. You will re-injure your injuries.

-Working hard on weekends feels amazing; is worth it

-Working hard all the time feels even better

-The recumbent bike feels like a cop out work out.

Well, those are the hamster-wheel-related things I’ve learned. The middle two points refer to a major success that came together just this past weekend. Nearly two weeks ago now, I had a really motivating Skype date with my supervisor, after which I recovered from here. We decided during that meeting that I would create a shortish (~6 pages) thesis outline containing all the meat – i.e. my data results and discussion points for each of my chapters. At the time, I said something along the lines of ‘will have it done in a matter of days’, which wasn’t what happened exactly. One week passed and I had only started working on the Intro Chapter by that point, so I decided to determine a deadline.

Now, I give myself deadlines all the time but then I let time fly by and deal with feeling guilty after. This time, I decided to experiment by telling my supervisor that I was going to send her my outline by Sunday. Now that lit a fire under my butt. And it worked really well.

Today I feel great. I achieved this (albeit, second attempt) deadline and worked hard at it. I hadn’t worked quite so hard on a weekend for a while and it actually felt really good, when usually the thought of doing so leads to feeling overwhelmed. What’s better is that a sizeable chunk of the time I spent sitting in my wee office was devoted to my data/graphs – I actually furthered my analysis of some data. I wasn’t just passively writing it up. Scientific [good] times had by all!

Anyway, the purpose of this tale is to say: I tried something new, a little more ridged, and it worked. Well! Now I sit here and wait for her read through and response…and by sit here I mean continue to work hard so that I can continue this positive feedback cycle. I’ll let myself do some fun tasks for today as a reward, though. Teaching Dossier here I come!

I’m sitting at my desk, sipping my morning latte, reflecting on how I generally “do” at living.

I’ve realized that I’m an all or nothing person. If I feel good, I work harder, I’m excellent at planning and thinking ahead, I’m more motivated, I’m more active, I care more about my and others’ well-being. It’s really the most worthwhile positive feedback cycle to try to break into – but getting in there is the hardest part.

Just over two weeks ago, I sprained my ankle fairly well. It was a level 2 sprain on a scale of 1-3 (according to my physiotherapist), somewhere in-between healing in a matter of days and not being able to walk. This sprain came at a really, really irritating time as I had just signed up for my first ever 5K race the day before and am still “training” for it. Despite this, it ended up being a huge blessing as I’ve found myself in numerous situations when I thought “man, I wish I could run today” but hadn’t seen my doctor yet and was limping, so I didn’t. Until these moments, I didn’t quite know that I VALUED running! I’ve only started exercising again this past Sunday, and I’m glad I waited until I felt confident that I wouldn’t injure myself further. Actually, Sunday was one of the best runs I’ve had because I put absolutely no pressure on myself to “finish it”. I felt no hesitation to get outside as I knew that I had a free pass to stop after just 5 steps if I felt actual pain. I felt no pain, and completed the whole run. Yesterday I went on another run and while it went well, it was a lot harder to get myself out there b/c I felt that internal pressure to complete the whole run.

Anyway, I apparently enjoy exercise. Who knew. I, at least, did not know this for the last 25.5 years. Since I’ve been exercising again post-injury, I’ve felt so much more calm, more motivated (which my skyping date helped with tremendously), and I do something for my body – cardio or push ups or whatever’s on the schedule on my fridge – every day. Probably the best part is that I’m excited to go into hiding with books, papers, and my laptop and start writing. Academic reading is not something I’ve ever felt excited to do.

Back to the shadow I cast on this upbeat post – it is so hard to maintain this positive cycle. I have always fought with this, and it’s so easy to slip out of. As soon as I slack on one of the aspects, the whole thing seems to fall apart. Activity seems to have a slightly more influential piece in this puzzle, however.

I imagine it as a game of kerplunk – during which you dump a pile of marbles on top of a randomly stacked pile of sticks. Like Jenga, you pull out the sticks one by one, and if you pull out a stick that makes all the marbles fall through, you “lose”. All these things I “do” for my life and well-being are the sticks, but it seems that as soon as I pull just one stick out, it seems to cause a cascade in which I ultimately lose my marbles. Sad!

Does anybody else experience this? I assume a lot of people feel similarly, but I don’t think I’ve actually asked anybody this specific question before.

Hey…so…

I’m suffering from an intense overload of grad student-ly emotions: stress, relief, shame, motivation, confidence, vulnerability, bitchin’-ness.

That’s right: I just Skyped with my supervisor. And now I’m losing my mind.

Well, that’s not quite accurate, though I am feeling post-conversation nervousness. And to compliment the cocktail of emotions listed above, lets add overwhelmed and avoidance-y, considering I have made my next move a blog post whilst I turn on “Say Yes to the Dress”. Seriously people, I need to unwind for 30 minutes.

To begin explaining/working through the emoti-cocktail, let me just say that I may have unique feelings about my supervisor: I feel that I have won the supervisor lottery. She’s been very supportive throughout various roadblocks I’ve encountered, can usually motivate me, and give me confidence. On top of that, I just love her! I actually consider her a friend, or as “friend”-ly as we can be given our professional relationship.

Despite my adoration for this woman, I can be rather terrified of her at times. After all, she is my supervisor and as dictated by the universal laws of graduate study, I feel totally inadequate on average. Today we had a skype date for the first time of the new year. It had been a while, and I felt like I had to say something impressive.

What occurred was a gentle tread into what I really wanted to talk about: graduation! [Please read the g-word as if it is sung by angels whilst heavenly light breaks through the Vancouver clouds]. Weee! I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, though the light is about the size of a pinprick. I have definitely enjoyed my time here and am grateful for all the challenges and opportunities it has brought me, but I am ready to finish this up and ask “what’s next?”.

Well, we did indeed tread into this topic and I was slightly disappointed by what I heard…a graduation date was suggested that was a few critical months beyond the time I dream of it happening. And because I think my meetings with her must [presumably] resemble confession, I brought it up. I not only brought it up, but I laid out my best laid plans, what I hope my next step to be.

Here’s what I heard in return: “………Rebecca, I KNEW you were going to do that. I KNEW it!” and then she proceeded to say lovely things which boosted my confidence and kiboshed the disappointment I felt just moments before. So apparently she is either the equivalent of my high school girlfriends that can predict my every move, or my aptitudes and interests indiscreetly scream at those who know me. I’ll take either.

Okay, I’m feeling better now. I needed to process the chain of events during this meeting, and this blog is such an excellent tool for doing so. Moreover, Say Yes to the Dress just ended and now it’s time to tackle my day on campus.

Thanks for reading a pretty candid look into my emoti-cocktailed MSc. journey.