Date: Oct, 2017
Dear Diary,
Today, I find myself in a unique state of being—a slowness, a detachment from the physical realm that appears to correlate with the pace of my thoughts. They have been gradually slowing down, allowing me to exercise a degree of control over them. Instead of a constant stream of uninvited thoughts, I now have moments in the day where I can consciously direct my mental processes, focusing on thoughts of my choosing.
This newfound awareness has illuminated the path ahead, yet I sense there is still much work to be done. My sensitivity to the energies of others remains, whether they are in close proximity or miles away. It’s as though I’m an antenna, absorbing vibrations from those around me. This was made abundantly clear during a recent experience in a bustling crowd. I stood amidst people of various energy levels, and without any direct interaction, their vibrations subtly affected me.
I must emphasize that I don’t intend to shirk responsibility for my thoughts; rather, I aim to express the profound nature of energy and its intricate workings.
As I delve deeper into Brother Ihsan’s teachings, I begin to grasp their significance. I now understand the essence of performing tawbah whenever I witness something that may leave a mark on my heart. It’s easy to take our surroundings for granted, especially the daily rituals that become so ingrained we cease to notice them. I’ve come to appreciate the importance of truly seeing, no longer moving through my day blindly, but seeing with intention.
Now, I’m not only observing; I’m also sending forth a silent prayer whenever I encounter something that feels inherently wrong. It could be a laborer toiling for meager wages, false promises of fulfillment through materialism, or a family at the checkout counting their pennies. While these may not be sins for which I bear personal responsibility, they are moments that imprint on the heart. In those moments, I’ve learned to pause and offer a swift prayer to cleanse the stain.
On a more positive note, the gradual slowing of my thoughts, coupled with my daily dhikr practice, has given rise to spontaneous dhikr. In the spaces between thoughts, the desire to connect with Allah naturally arises.
I pray that Allah continues to shower His grace upon me and shield my heart from the trappings of ego. Parenting, however, has become more challenging as I yearn for increased solitude and alone time. Simultaneously, I’ve observed a detachment from my day-to-day activities. I’m able to step back, less affected by external situations. An incident with my husband exemplified this transformation.
We made a quick stop at the supermarket, but his decision to relocate the car led to an unexpected 40-minute wait in the rain for me. In the past, my response might have been one of disapproval and a lack of empathy. But this time, I automatically understood his intent, to make it easier for me. Unfortunately, I had left my phone behind, and without his updated number memorized, there was no way to contact him.
This sequence of events could have ignited a negative response, but instead, I remained calm. I acknowledged my own mistake in leaving the phone and recognized his good intentions. Even when my ego yearned to react, I apologized for my oversight.
It became evident that it’s not the events themselves but our reactions that shape our experiences. The ego often seeks to taint our perceptions by dredging up old emotions and creating an illusory moment. Awareness is the key to recognizing this pattern and breaking free from its grasp.
In this ongoing journey, I am learning to “tame the beast” and regain control over my responses.
With introspection and gratitude,
Shana
