UBC LLED367-302 2016

On a beautiful, crisp, late-September Friday afternoon, J walks down Main Mall towards Martha Piper Plaza. Noticing how other people are taking photos of the fall landscape, she whips out her iPhone and does the same thing. An Instagram-worthy photo, she thought.

After taking a few snapshots, she makes her way down University Boulevard. Crunching on the fallen leaves with her UGG boots, she steps into paradise.

Upon entering, J smells the wonders of fall: all fragrant, warm, spicy, cinnamony, nutmegy, and pumpkiny. She closes her eyes and deeply inhales the scent of autumn. She wishes this scent could be made into a candle.

“Welcome to Starbucks, what would you like today?”

“A tall, no foam, vegan, gluten-free, half sweet, decaf, five pump, soy milk, extra hot, no foam Pumpkin Spice Latte, please. Did I say no foam?”

Ah, fall.

You said I was late. Absurd

You claimed I missed a day. Bogus.

You gracefully said it was non-excusable. Ridiculous.

You’re aggressive.

You’re coarse.

You’re exhausting.

You were so very wrong. Humiliating.

You tried to lower my grade. Fat chance.

The campus director had my back. Perfect.

Ugly. Unruly.

Terrific. Tremendous.

Hay Gurl!

OMG! Stoked to say that you can come back to the Ube’. Got you down for edumacating the big kids ’bout plays n stuff. It’s for, like, the whole year.

u need yr # to come. Or to tell us if shit’s going down or whatever. Or if you’re gonna bail.

SO DO YOU WANNA OR NO?

Tell the dudes (use the sheets I put on here) in the next 2 weeks, K?

cya,

—
The guys that pick who comes here,
Teachin’ School
UBC

Hey!

Congratulation! You did it! We accept you at our school at UBC as an exchange student from PHZH for the academic year 2016/2017. Now you are in the ungraduated level for Term 1. Term one is just from September to December. So not that long!

Your student number is 70943162. The mail address is still the same as at your uni. If it is false just give us a call. You made it in our exchange program were you are under a senate-approved program. So all the points you get from your course your uni will accept it.

You can study at the UBC for one year as a non-degree student. However you have to pay all the students fee at UBC. Wuhu! Awesome!!

Even we accept you we do not grantee that you have admission to come to Canada. Students who stay more than 6 month need a study permit! We recommend that all students get a study permit so you will be on the safe side. For more information check out the website for immigration at www.cic.gc.ca. When you apply for the study permit, UBC has a number were you can call if some problems pop up.

Please read the checklist of UBC through so you won’t miss anything to apply.

Wish you a nice day

Cheers,

The song Tupac didn’t write:

I have reached the limits of my ability to care.

Society has exhausted the last of my patience and I am profoundly fatigued. I might lose my temper at any moment.

There. I lost my temper.

Now I have been apprehended by local law enforcement and I am currently confined to the rear area of a police vehicle. Meanwhile, an officer of the law is boasting to his colleagues about the young African American male whom he has unjustly seized in a violent and most likely unlawful manner.

Aye yo Meggerino,

Where the actual fuck is your criminal record check?

If you sent it then ignore me. But that shit takes forever for the gov to process, lazy bastards. We gotta have it by September or you are SOL.

Register for your damn classes so we can get this shit rolling,

Peace out, biatch,

Orchid Chen

Dear Master Beaton,

By the grace of intellectus, We the most High and Mighty Office of Academia, defender of veritas, curiositas, and eruditio, from the un-ceded Museum land in the province of British Columbia in the strong and free sovereign nation of Canada, the take the utmost pleasure in congratulating you for having been conditionally admitted into the illustrious faculty of academia at our renown institution. Your pursuit of academic studies in the academic administration of academics to secondary pupils of English is admirable, and We have no doubts that our Most Excellent standards of excellence shall become your own should you successfully complete your freshman degree and accept our offer of matriculation in the years of our Lord two thousand and sixteen and two thousand seventeen. You should feel a sense of pride that you have become the sixty-fifth million fifty-second thousand one-hundred and thirty-sixth student to be admitted to our esteemed university, and your student designation will be such. Should you need to contact the university for any reason whatsoever, We formally request that your student designation be used in place of your name, and an identical procedure will also be required for registration and participation in educational activities at our venerable organization. Should you choose to decline our offer, though you would be mad to do so, your admittance in future processes of admittance will require a new application.

Should your wits be about you, however, and you instead choose to accept our offer, a period of not more than two weeks from the date of this letter has been allotted for you to further complete necessary application documents, which are to be delivered to the High and Mighty Office of Academia for inspection and processing.

Welcome to the Faculty of Academia at the Great and Distinguished University of the Province of British Columbia. We wish you success in future successes that pertain to your successful studies.

Tuum est,
Lady Claudia Buffone
Officer of Admission
High and Mighty Office of Academia
The Great and Distinguished University of the Province of British Columbia

nontransmicrointerautoextracircumscribulation (45 letters)

n. – the act of circumscribing something not beyond the level of the very small, between parts of something singular that are external to it.  

I would like to inform you that you will not have access to a vehicle on Saturday afternoon. Our beloved Canis lupus familiars, Kovu, has an imperative appointment with his physician at nine o’clock in the morning.