Lets be honest, it has been a while. The amount of drafts that sit on my dashboard like mouldy leftovers is worrying. Write a few sentences, the topic unknown, each sentence chasing the tail of the other but for no apparent reason. The excitement of a good idea suddenly withers away when it can’t grow more than a few lines long. Maybe it is a poem. No, poetry is much more than just an excuse for me giving up. I will come back it to it later. Perhaps my bus ride home will \u00a0give me some new found wisdom. I fell asleep on the bus that day, and instead of critically examining my surroundings for new ideas, I am dreaming about dinner.<\/p>\n
It is this continual process, that leads to the graveyard of half finished blog posts, quarter made dresses, almost finished self portraits without the hands because I am no good at the hands.<\/p>\n
This is fault of mine, the lack of finishing things. Maybe it is because I am lazy. Thats what I tell myself anyways. I dream of the day when I have a book written, a clothing line in the physical world, and I have six pack abs.<\/p>\n
I hate to say but this isn’t a blog post about success. I am not going to say that yesterday I finished all the blogs post that I set out to write those many afternoons ago, or that dress that I started three years ago has been put together. I am still looking at a pile of unfinished, half alive dreams.<\/p>\n
We all have this incomplete pile of ambitions, a constant reminder of what we haven’t done. And when I look at the pile, no matter how big, I get this feeling in my gut, as if I have had too many espresso’s. My mouth dries out a little, and start to think about what I have done. Is there anything valuable I have achieved? If I were to die tomorrow, what do I have to leave behind in this world? What will others remember me by?<\/p>\n
I remind myself that isn’t about others, but then again, when is it not?<\/p>\n
That feeling in my gut doesn’t seem to go away.<\/p>\n
Am I depressed? Is there something wrong with me? When am I going to be ‘something’?<\/p>\n
I know these are dangerous questions, but I still ask them.<\/p>\n
As this point, I have done nothing for my situation. I have inched toward self destruction, providing myself with a path that only leads nowhere.<\/p>\n
So I go for a run. I do something that is simple, instinctive and meditative. It’s important to find those things. I run down to the river.<\/p>\n
I take off my shoes, and stand in the freezing water. Its cold, its uncomfortable, but its real. I can feel it. I cry.<\/p>\n
Going to the river doesn’t change me.<\/p>\n
But it brings clarity.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Lets be honest, it has been a while. The amount of drafts that sit on my dashboard like mouldy leftovers is worrying. Write a few sentences, the topic unknown, each sentence chasing the tail of the other but for no apparent reason. The excitement of a good idea suddenly withers away when it can’t grow […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":25999,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-168","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/threads\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/168","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/threads\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/threads\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/threads\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/25999"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/threads\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=168"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/threads\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/168\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":169,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/threads\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/168\/revisions\/169"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/threads\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=168"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/threads\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=168"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/threads\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=168"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}