Month: April 2012

Being in a constant state of stress and panic for work has become so natural to me I don’t even react anymore. Is that paradoxical? Probably.

Yes, Friday evening. And my boss just told us we have only been working on 1/4 of the full workload for last two weeks. And I’m actually a bit excited. I think I must have a tendency to torture myself.

Well, I’m excited because I suddenly got a much bigger picture idea about how our unit is supposed to work. And learnt a lot in 30 minutes about managing an organization.

So much more to learn. Always.

Sometimes I wonder if it really isn’t such a good strategy to attract so many young, ambitious, talented, able-to-see-in-multiple-perspectives, progressive people into development work.

Development is a big industry. It’s an important industry, in my opinion. It is still an industry, with mechanical inputs, and not so predictable outputs. Yet, the problems we try to fight are so vast and complicated, that I’m not sure being an industry would actually make much of a difference.

This thought came about when I was discussing with a friend (I seem to do that a lot these days; love it) about how I always seem to meet the most amazing people in Dar. The most ambitious and good-hearted people I know, are from when I travel or work abroad, usually in developing countries (aside: how I hate that word). I meet people like that back home(s) too, but then I usually meet those people abroad again at one point or another. It’s a big part of the reason why I really enjoy living in Dar and visiting Kampala. Getting to know people who aren’t afraid to go into intense discussions (1). People who spend their off-work hours thinking about work-related issues. People who read ‘heavy’ world-issues type books for leisure. Because I’m this kind of person, I feel at home when surrounded by such types. Yes, we do get cynical. We do get frustrated and give up sometimes. But many of us still stay and keep crashing our heads against the wall, in hopes that we’ll at least leave a crack.

At the same time, maybe it would be a bigger impact if all these amazing people could just ‘infiltrate’ all different kinds of industries, instead of concentrating in one. Preaching to the choir. Singing the same old songs to the same old people who already know all of the words by heart. Imagine if only 5% of the stereotypical banker population were people who are now in development. Would it make a difference? Or more importantly, would it make a bigger difference?

I don’t know. Although I know for sure if you told me to enter a normal banking career path right now, I might just cut off all contact and hide in a cave on a mountain. I’m not that brave. A coward.

1. Yes, afraid. I think most people don’t think too critically because they are afraid of judgment and of the world falling apart (it’s called deconstruction ;). Personal opinion though.

A discussion worth remembering, from yesterday.

Academics is changing. It is more and more about doers who want to connect the world of theory with the world of real world experimentation and hands-in-the-mud implementation. It’s about being critical and radical, but being able to communicate and persuade others. It’s about being idealistic and stubborn, but being able to live with the frustrations and fight until the end. It’s about not losing the bigger goal to prestigious ivory towers. Not letting egos stand in the way of serving the world with our knowledge.

In the end, taking the most unusual path means I’ll have less competition (and less opportunities). And it’ll feel right. And good. And interesting.

I’ve always been a bit wary about pursuing a PhD. I know I love the academic side. I know I love the debate and discussions and theories. I know I miss it. However, for reasons that alone seem silly, but together, daunting, I’ve always thought I would be more suited to a professional masters program. I don’t want to be pigeon-holed (yet). I don’t want to spend my life dealing only with theories. I don’t want to spend four years of my life writing a thick document that doesn’t interest anybody but me.

My friend and my boss really inspire me. There is a different way. Academics is changing. Maybe I would consider gambling 4 years of my life.

My generation – especially youth who are for whatever reason attracted to the activist lifestyle; especially those coming from a North American perspective – are often taught that we have the potential to change the world. To make an impact. To save the earth and humanity from an apocalypse. Throughout my high school and university years, I was also fed a steady diet of such propaganda. (I’m using propaganda here without a negative connotation.) I don’t disagree, nor do I regret believing such words. In fact, I still do. I often think that I was actually born an idealist and an optimist; the propaganda simply confirmed my beliefs and helped me find compatriots.

While I wouldn’t say that I’ve become more cynical over the years (I wish I never do, at least not too much), I’ve certainly become more realistic. The fundamental systems of the world were built up over centuries, if not millenniums. They were built up to adhere to the most stable power structure, which isn’t always the most equitable. They were built by countless deliberate actors and by countless unintended consequences. Where is the evidence that we can dismantle such deep-rooted systems within a decade? Or, if more recent social media hype is to be believed (*cough* KONY2012 *cough*), with the click of a mouse?

I was having a good, long, interesting chat (my favourite kind) with a friend recently. We touched on the topic of people who declare they want to save the world. I would never shy away from saying that my ultimate goal is to help save the world. I would also probably always want to be friends with people who say so. At the same time, however, I do believe that, statistically speaking, I never will. At least not alone. At least not in the way that is so popular with Hollywood movies or best-selling books. And I’m content with that. Content in being one of the clogs that refused to help the conventional world function. Content in working my hardest for little direct result. Content in being the utmost prepared for the day where I could be in a position of power to affect change, yet might never get there. Life is afterall a chance, but a chance which you must be ready to grab. Maybe this is one occasion where I’m thankful for my natural irrational ability to be hypocritical and contradictory.