放下+解脫

I write this blog mostly because I love reading through past entries. It’s written mostly for me, about my professional/semi-private life, before any other audience. What would I feel like, in ten years, reading about my thoughts during the last few months?

After being legally separated for two years, my parents recently got divorced. Divorce only equals release (解脫) for the naïve. In reality, the practicalities of life still stubbornly occupy our limited supply of energy. Or happiness.

While I rarely mention it, this rollercoaster of emotions often leaves me suffocated and helpless. I’ve been trying hard to perfect the art of keeping up a constant guard against my emotions, but like an endless, determined stream, it manages to widen the cracks in my armour. In moments of overflowing pain, sometimes I wonder why it’s so hard to let go (放下). Why do we grip on so hard to feelings and histories that refuse to stay? Why do we endure the illusion of holding onto a bright fire, while scalding our fingers?

Seven years. Seven years of listening to increasingly hostile arguments. Of using showers to muffle cries. Of pretending to be strong. Of naively taking sides and letting irreversible time be wasted. I will never make that mistake again.

It’s nice to be able to finally admit all this. I guess, this is also part of the journey.