I’m moving to eastern Uganda tomorrow for a new job. Very excited. Very nervous. Very sad to be leaving everyone and everything Dar.
I actually had a choice to stay in Dar with an organization that I felt I could learn a lot from. Ultimately, though, I chose to move despite all the contrary feelings because, rationally, this new job sounded more in tune with what I was seeking. I still don’t know if this is the right choice.
No regrets, right?
It was a very confusing few days when I was trying to decide which way of life I wanted. My friends’ disappointed expressions (they didn’t even have to say anything), my parents worries about safety, my own reluctance to start life again, my inner debate about career choices…all contributed to wanting to just run home and rest for a while.
I realised when I was chatting with my friend back home that this really has been the first time ever that I’ve really ‘chosen’ anything. I know I’ve decided to go on a year-long exchange, decided to take this internship, decided to study food security, decided to find a job here to remain in east Africa etc etc. But in reality, all of this was very intuitive; not much ‘decision’ had to be made. There didn’t seem to be any other program than GRS that fitted my personality. I knew I wanted to go abroad during my studies, to participate in a field studies course. I was itching to get out of Vancouver by the time I graduated. I don’t really have any ties back home (whether in Vancouver or Hong Kong) except for my family and friends to prohibit me from living abroad. There’s no school, no significant other, aging pets (well, one, but she’s healthy with my parents), amazing jobs, magical spells…that demand me to be back. Plus, with my education, I can gain way more experience here (where people with good skill sets are in high demand) than in Canada (where every other person has a degree). For most of my life, it seems like, as scary as it sounds: ‘why would I have done otherwise?’
This choice between staying in Dar and moving to Uganda has really been one of the first significant decisions I have made with my life. I actually called my parents up on their cellphones to ask for suggestions. My parents, knowing me so well, gave excellent advice (which I finally didn’t follow; they still believe and support me – what more can I ask, really?!). I cannot even imagine not having my parents always be there as a guide, a mentor, and a solid rock that anchors me when in turbulence. My parents once wrote me a letter for my 18 (or 20?) birthday – “we will always be that safe habour for you to come back when you need rest.” Tears still come to my eyes whenever I recall reading that.
C’est la vie. By tomorrow, I will be excited about what my new job and new life brings. For now, let me wallow in the comfort of doubt for a few more hours.