Though one part is nearing and end, another part has begun. The transition process isn’t easy, but perhaps that is not an appropriate way to judge such a perception. I think the best way to look at it is that things are different.

However, perhaps some things do not change. Being an expert in my sport is a continuing journey and the expertise I’ve accumulated as an athlete is coming to an end. But that doesn’t mean that it’s over, far from it. Thus, begins the journey as a coach and performance director. It is very much like an experiment. I am my own case study, but can I find a way to duplicate the process? Can I find a way to improve on that even? And as I learn more about the things I wish I had known when I was still competing, my only choice is now to pass it on to upcoming athletes. Although I may still apply certain principles to my own athletic pursuits, those pursuits will be substantially diminished. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone and I can just play for enjoyment. I wish I understood this a long time ago.

So my new pursuits include coaching and other leadership and management positions, and I have fortunately acquired a position with Badminton BC as the Performance Lead. I can understand the struggles of trying to develop programs with limited financial resources, but it’s a similar principle as an amateur athlete: you make the most with what you have, and you do your best. Although as an athlete, I am ultimately the one in control whereas it’s different when you are a coach or program director. But at least I understand the struggle: I’ve been there.

It’s always an intriguing challenge: how can you do more with less? That’s the question I’ve constantly struggled with as an athlete. Sometimes it’s trying to add more, at times it’s about eliminating the inefficiencies. However I do want to acknowledge my own fortune, as I know there have been those with a lot less than me, and luck was also a factor for me at times. But I have also seen those who have struggled and failed, some with more potential than myself and others who could not overcome their inner demons. For the sake of not getting carried away, we will save that for another discussion.

Sometimes I cannot relate to the new generation of athletes, but we are competing in a different generation. There is so much more opportunity today, but at the same time, I see so many more distractions. I never had to worry about training with or without my phone because at my peak, technology wasn’t at the level it is now. On the flip side, it’s so much more easy to get match footage but yet I still don’t see too many people to make the effort to film their matches. In this day an age of the YOLO (“You Only Live Once”) and FOMO (“Fear of Missing Out”), I see athletes going for those short term gains, instead of the long term ones. Remember the expression? “Short term pain, long term gain?”. The concept of delayed gratification? But of course not. Why do that if “you only live once”? Don’t you have that “fear of missing out?”

Instead, I have gone down the rabbit hole of Stoic Philosophy, and replaced YOLO and FOMO with “Memento Mori” (remember that you are mortal) and “Amor Fati” (love of fate). Although “memento mori” sounds an awful lot like YOLO, I think it’s very different: YOLO seems like the thing to say in certain situations of high risk, like before you go sky diving or bungee jumping. Conversely, “memento mori” reminds you that you are not invincible, no matter what your ego might tell you. It grounds you (almost literally) so that you might consider LESS risk. Additionally, it puts perspective on everything because we all have a death sentence. We just don’t know when we will go.

“Amor fati” is a reasonable counter to FOMO as missing out on things is left to fate. No Commonwealth Games this year for me? Nice, I have time to finish all my two papers due in early April. Perhaps that’s just fate. Looking back, both my Olympic runs were more or less run by fate. If only you knew the ups and downs and all the back stories involved, but that can probably write a book itself.

Looking at the way this season has went for my badminton, it seems like some incredible signals for me to retire. Let’s just stop this madness, as a nice way to put it. It hasn’t been an easy experience, especially as I originally fought it. I didn’t want to let go of a chance at Tokyo in 2020, but all signs are pointing at me to stop. Shoulder issues, losing partners, can’t find partners, and other things which might violate my National Team agreement. Remember, we can’t say anything “bad”. And I don’t have to, because it’s okay. I had a good run and I’m happy to leave if I’m not needed. It has gotten to the point that my utility as an athlete is probably less than that of my utility as a coach or performance director. So I will finish my time rehabilitating my shoulder and say goodbye to my international pursuits at the 2018 Canada Open.

To continue further is to let my ego take control, because it tells me that I won’t get that ending I deserve and I will be forgotten. Sometimes I still think I can compete, and of course, I can play badminton, but looking to qualify for Tokyo is really a bad life strategy. Considering I’m sometimes more than a decade older than other National Team athletes, that’s a big difference. But transitioning into coaching or other administrative duties within the sport, I’m the young person. I’m the one at the bottom. Fortunately, I have acquired a diverse skill set from my competition days and it does give me a bit of an advantage, but there’s lots to learn. Perhaps I’m technically competing against other coaches with decades or more of experience over me, and that’s going to be a hefty challenge. However, my one edge is that I know what it takes to be really good at something, and it’s simple.

Be humble and know that there will likely always be someone better than you. That is a good person to find to teach you, or at worst, to learn from. It’s no different from my days as an athlete. That’s the first thing I did, which accelerated my badminton to the next level: I found a former Olympic Gold Medalist for a coach. However, I did shut myself off from learning for a while, but I soon realize that methods will change because people find ways of getting better. Methods need to evolve as well, and you cannot do that without learning. So learning is where it’s always going to be.

So be humble, and always keep learning. Don’t compare yourself with other people, and keep your ego in check. Some may believe attention is the greatest form of currency, but it doesn’t have to be if you keep your ego in check. Post things because you want to, not because of how many “Likes” or “Hearts” you may or may not get. There will always be someone with more attention than you, so worry about the things that are important to you. And if attention is that important, then go all out. Do your thing.

And that’s what I gotta keep doing. Doing my thing. Whatever it is, wherever I go.