{"id":36,"date":"2014-04-05T10:14:12","date_gmt":"2014-04-05T17:14:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/trolls\/?p=36"},"modified":"2014-04-05T12:58:57","modified_gmt":"2014-04-05T19:58:57","slug":"troll-jerky","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/trolls\/troll-jerky\/","title":{"rendered":"“Troll Jerky”"},"content":{"rendered":"

You know, not so long ago, over there in the hills on the other side of the bay, there was a family of trolls that settled into an old mine shaft.<\/p>\n

In the summertime, some of the local kids would go over to the mine and dare each other to go further and further along towards the trolls\u2019 den, which surely must have lain at the very end of the tracks, in the darkest part of the cave. The bravest boys and girls would creep deep down into the shaft until the daylight behind them was only a whisper, and the air grew damp and began to stink a bit of pork.<\/p>\n

\u201cTroll farts!\u201d observed one girl. \u201cThey smell like bacon \u2018cause the trolls have been feeding on mister Jensen\u2019s hogs. They smoke \u2018em, make jerky out of \u2018em. But they prefer human jerky when they can get it!\u201d<\/p>\n

When they wouldn\u2019t dare go any deeper into the mine, the kids might pick up stones and see who could throw one hardest and farthest into the darkness, closest to the troll family\u2019s lair. Of course, all of the kids made sure that they were well on their way home from the hills by the time sunset came around.<\/p>\n

One sunny Saturday, a group of girls and boys had crept as far as they would creep along into the mine and were throwing stones in the direction of the troll den. One large boy hurled a stone as straight and as hard as any boy could, and to everyone\u2019s surprise, a cry of sharp pain echoed down the shaft.<\/p>\n

\u201cOw!\u201d shrieked a voice. It wasn\u2019t much deeper in tone than the voices of the young girls, but it was enough of a shock to freeze every kid on the spot.<\/p>\n

They seemed to wait silently and motionlessly for some instruction from someone. To run? To scream? To stand and fight the nasty, ugly brutes?<\/p>\n

But before a decision could be made, a stone whizzed back up the mine shaft, striking the large boy sharply on an ear. He wailed horrifically and the kids bolted back towards the daylight.<\/p>\n

All the kids ran back except one little girl, who lingered a moment, then dared to creep just a little further into the darkness. She had a sugar cookie in her pocket, baked that morning by her mother, which she now offered out towards the darkness.<\/p>\n

A dainty, brown, fuzzy hand, almost the exact same size as the girl’s, reached out for the cookie. It didn\u2019t snatch, but gently took the cookie back into the darkness. The little girl heard a soft crunching and munching, and even a polite groan of satisfaction.<\/p>\n

\u201cMmmmm\u2026\u201d cooed the little troll in the dark. And before the girl knew it, the small fuzzy hand reached back into the light, and offered her back a slice of the most deliciously scented pork jerky she had ever caught a whiff of. And, you know, it was magic jerky! For as soon as the last bite of the stick was finished, another would surely reappear in the eater\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you\u201d said the girl towards the darkness, and she went back down the tracks, out of the mine and home to her family.<\/p>\n

Well, the bloody-eared large boy who threw the stone told his large dad who got all up in arms and eventually he had the mine blown up and caved in with dynamite.<\/p>\n

It really is too bad, you know. But at least I got my piece of jerky! And one is really all you need.<\/p>\n

\u2014Matt Clarke<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You know, not so long ago, over there in the hills on the other side of the bay, there was a family of trolls that settled into an old mine shaft. In the summertime, some of the local kids would … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14197,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[978284,1656,978383,969762,969387,978095,342,94232,561116,1457,978377,908172,969632,969545,978407,978413,978419,978368,113404,70611,978301,5815,969464,969374,351916,969866,978300,978420,978329,978397,978375,969585,4004,978304,969771,978391,884316,232638,978380,978309,978291,978373,1108,969539,284654,978305,7170,304842,978325,978401,978294,969822,116229,865679,284833,757515,569518,978410,978342,164612,978348,969538,978418,978403,978259,978340,978384,978370,268,969576,969587,978328,978312,496951,284988,978134,978350,978293,978382,978388,978267,1280,271271,969435,978417,978308,978394,1228,8867,468898,978327,969674,318069,969768,969948,969738,969392,978318,265,978367,3058,978339,8415,5631,978324,978317,978321,969526,978351,674,969573,978280,978296,978330,969549,978406,969908,248529,242803,978372,298,680,969511,978107,163351,969959,969654,167414,978316,978396,1585,994,1014,7465,978353,969451,978392,969791,969783,978359,57781,978137,1624,978379,8033,1681,969431,2503,969473,484567,978343,286256,978299,978326,978423,978376,169500,453906,978322,978369,978386,1565,978409,166876,564857,978142,537529,269970,978402,978356,6552,969673,978286,978288,978341,978364,969936,978349,978344,969600,969905,598722,978399,362518,976503,978319,978387,978390,969617,969514,969372,978352,978357,978408,978310,174096,248477,969719,978363,7834,978289,702483,37696,978332,978295,537528,969487,164615,969770,581473,978414,978222,984,495,910049,969868,978298,969362,969482,969668,969658,969516,969417,3793,6544,978366,969840,969960,602503,978412,969639,978404,978306,978362,412275,164616,6546,978314,5497],"class_list":["post-36","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ago","tag-air","tag-almost","tag-an","tag-any","tag-arms","tag-around","tag-back","tag-bacon","tag-bad","tag-baked","tag-bay","tag-behind","tag-bit","tag-bite","tag-bloody-eared","tag-blown","tag-bolted","tag-boy","tag-boys","tag-bravest","tag-brown","tag-by","tag-came","tag-can","tag-caught","tag-cave","tag-caved","tag-closest","tag-cooed","tag-cookie","tag-could","tag-course","tag-creep","tag-crept","tag-crunching","tag-cry","tag-dad","tag-dainty","tag-damp","tag-dare","tag-dared","tag-dark","tag-darkest","tag-darkness","tag-daylight","tag-decision","tag-deep","tag-deeper","tag-deliciously","tag-den","tag-didnt","tag-direction","tag-down","tag-dynamite","tag-each","tag-ear","tag-eaters","tag-echoed","tag-end","tag-enough","tag-even","tag-eventually","tag-ever","tag-every","tag-everyones","tag-exact","tag-except","tag-family","tag-familys","tag-far","tag-farthest","tag-farts","tag-feeding","tag-fight","tag-finished","tag-freeze","tag-further","tag-fuzzy","tag-gently","tag-get","tag-girl","tag-girls","tag-go","tag-got","tag-grew","tag-groan","tag-group","tag-hand","tag-hard","tag-hardest","tag-have","tag-he","tag-heard","tag-her","tag-hills","tag-his","tag-hogs","tag-home","tag-horrifically","tag-human","tag-hurled","tag-i","tag-instruction","tag-it-when","tag-jensens","tag-jerky","tag-just","tag-kid","tag-kids","tag-knew","tag-know","tag-lain","tag-lair","tag-large","tag-last","tag-least","tag-light","tag-like","tag-lingered","tag-little","tag-local","tag-long","tag-made","tag-magic","tag-make","tag-might","tag-mine","tag-mister","tag-mmmmm","tag-moment","tag-morning","tag-most","tag-mother","tag-motionlessly","tag-much","tag-munching","tag-must","tag-my","tag-nasty","tag-need","tag-now","tag-observed","tag-offered","tag-old","tag-one","tag-only","tag-other","tag-out","tag-over","tag-ow","tag-pain","tag-part","tag-pick","tag-piece","tag-pocket","tag-polite","tag-pork","tag-prefer","tag-ran","tag-reached","tag-really","tag-reappear","tag-run","tag-said","tag-same","tag-satisfaction","tag-saturday","tag-scented","tag-scream","tag-see","tag-seemed","tag-settled","tag-shaft","tag-sharp","tag-sharply","tag-she","tag-shock","tag-shrieked","tag-side","tag-silently","tag-size","tag-slice","tag-small","tag-smell","tag-smoke","tag-snatch","tag-soft","tag-some","tag-someone","tag-soon","tag-spot","tag-stand","tag-stick","tag-stink","tag-stone","tag-stones","tag-straight","tag-striking","tag-sugar","tag-summertime","tag-sunny","tag-sunset","tag-sure","tag-surely","tag-surprise","tag-than","tag-thank","tag-then","tag-there","tag-threw","tag-throw","tag-throwing","tag-time","tag-tone","tag-towards","tag-tracks","tag-troll","tag-trolls","tag-ugly","tag-until","tag-up","tag-very","tag-voice","tag-voices","tag-wailed","tag-wait","tag-way","tag-well","tag-went","tag-when","tag-whiff","tag-whisper","tag-whizzed","tag-who","tag-you","tag-young","tag-cause","tag-em"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/trolls\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ubc.ca\/tro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