What I think when someone tells me: “I am so jealous you are going on exchange!”

Today I learned that excitement and anxiety are closely related. You know that feeling of getting butterflies in your stomach and shortness of breath, when your heart is racing or you start excessively sweating? I usually experience at least one of these symptoms anytime I have to give a presentation or speech in front of large groups of people. Not sure why because even when my mind is completely calm and I feel confident, my body starts responding in ways that seem out of my conscious control (I had a presentation in class today if you can’t already tell). It’s not that I always hate giving presentations. Most of the time I am excited to share my opinions in a space where people actually listen unconditionally, or at least appear to be listening…

And so, my anxiety over a class presentation today got me thinking about how I feel about my upcoming exchange. And to be honest, I am anxious. A part of me has a hard time admitting this. I think I want to hide my anxiety about exchange because people keep telling me: “I’m so jealous you are going on exchange” or “I wish I was going on exchange, you’re so lucky!”. In some ways these comments have made me feel like I have to always be excited to go, even when I feel apprehensive about certain things.

Some of things I am most nervous about are also what I am most excited for. It’s this weird mixture of ‘all the feels’.

For example, I am nervous to spend the holidays abroad on my own (even though I will be staying with relatives in the UK, it will not be the same as being at home). I will arrive in Norway just before New Year’s Eve, and I have no idea what I will do when I arrive or who my roommates will be. Will there be things for me to do on New Years or will I be all alone? I don’t know……this not knowing business scares me, but there is also an element of excitement. It’s this sense of possibility and adventure. I know things will work out and I’ll have to be spontaneous. I guess even if I do spend New Years on my own, it will be the symbolic start to my year of learning the true meaning of independence.

I am nervous about being surrounded by a new language, new cold weather and dark Norwegian winter days. I wonder if I’ll have time to make close friends in my first few weeks of school in order to not feel isolated or lonely? Still, when I think about all the snow that awaits I feel a pang of excitement. Like I might at any moment break in to song and dance asking people if they want to build snowmen, and hey, the disney movie Frozen is definitely set in Norway right? *I couldn’t mention this and not include a video while I chuckle to myself..

I leave in LESS THAN A MONTH, which I can’t seem to wrap my head around. Somehow I will be done all my papers and exams, be all packed and be getting on a plane with all my belongings in a couple suitcases. It’s crazy to think.

In this last month I have at UBC, I have to keep reminding myself to enjoy what’s happening right now. This is one of my last term 2 semesters of my undergrad. If my time at UBC were an exchange would I think of it the same way? I think there is this element of excitement attached to the word ‘exchange’ as if it will all be fun and easy when you are in another part of the world, but I have to keep reminding myself that in the end I am still and will still be a student. There will be ups and downs definitely, but I know it will all be worth it.