I Am a Leaf on the Wind
This has got to be the weirdest epiphany I’ve ever had – all while the dingy, faintly slimy showers of my dorm throws a temper tantrum whenever someone flushes the toilet.
I’m a first-year, oh, what a revelation. When people ask me what I’m doing, I shrug, tell them I’m doing ‘International Relations’ (even though we don’t get to choose a major until the end of second year) and then, depending on their reaction, go on to tell them I plan to do Law.
Depending on their reaction.
Their reaction.
Their reaction.
Why is it that I have to cater my response to their reaction? The way the light seems to flicker in their gazes, as they get that: “Oh. One of them useless, a dime-a-dozen Arts kids.” dazed sort of look really prompts that feeling. But when I go on to mention future plans in going for Law, they seem to light up again, as though: “Yes! A respectable career!”
It bugs me because I’m not even sure if I want to do Law. I’m only saying it to appease them – whomever they may be: parents, relatives, friends, acquaintances etcetera. Of course, with that constantly weighing over my head, I’ve been stressing about what I have to do to get into Law school ever since high school started. It doesn’t even matter what Law I’m doing – just get into a Law school somewhere, somehow.
But then it just occurred to me when I accidentally touched the wall (oh god, so gross) of the showers and cringed massively – there’s absolutely no reason why I should go into Law. And even if I wanted to, there was no rush. I could get my BA in International Relations, I could take a few years off and work for a bit before I go back. Since admission is dependant on my GPA and my LSAT scores, I just have to do well now, and then I can go and take that LSAT whenever I want.
There’s absolutely no rush for me to go to Law school. Somehow, telling myself that and accepting that felt like this great, gigantic weight was lifted off my chest. I felt like I could breathe again.
I’m not in a rush to make money. I have no particular need to be rich right now. The money, the jobs are there – it’s just a matter of how picky I want to be. I could teach English abroad, meet someone new, learn something new about people, maybe. I could actually go and see and experience the global issues that we discuss about in Model UN. Hell, I could work in a damn Starbucks, save the money and go experience that if I wanted to. If I want to do Law, I don’t want to do boring old Tax Law, I want that international experience. I want to be able to say “I’m studying this, because I want to be able to change it, because I have experienced it.”
And if I don’t want to do Law…well, then what’s stopping me from going back to school to do something like Journalism? I know I don’t have a glitteringly fabulous list of talents, and that I’m painfully mediocre in most things, but I’ve always held writing near and dear. I could write, I could report, I could do…something with it.
Is it naïve? Definitely. Will my parents approve? Probably very reluctantly. Is having a plan of ‘just going with the flow’ a very prestigious one that earns the approval of various friends and family? God, no. Will this a momentary feeling of relief likely wear off by the morning, only to be replaced with the same, familiar embrace of existential crisis, insignificance and anxiety? Maybe. But for the moment, I want to remember this feeling, and I want to start living by it. I want to stop worrying about the far, far future. I want to take things as it comes, one at a time.
I want to go with the flow, go with the breeze: I am a leaf on the wind; watch how I soar.