self discovery – discovery

“Good teachers [are those] who have some sort of connective capacity, who connect themselves to their students, their students to each other, and everyone to the subject being studied.” Palmer Parker

Nel Noddings defines “Care [as] a connection between two human beings… a way of being in relation”. I care about many people, but the way I care about the students who I work with is very complex. This summer I was promoted to work full-time at my language school where I teach, and I experienced the “complexities of care” (Prof. Collins, EDUC440). I felt vulnerable because I perceived one in every few lessons to go poorly. It was not so much about the quality of the lessons as my inability to commit/plan/facilitate more simply because I burned out from caring so much. The article by our instructors, Steve Collins and Hermia Ting, really framed the frustrations I struggled with throughout the summer. In it, he confirms, “It is common for anyone involved in caring relationships to feel guilt; which may bring forth positive change.” “Shame is about the kind of person you believe you are; Guilt is about one’s behaviour and has adaptive benefits.” I kept a field journal during the summer, and I learned to type them up and reconsider my thoughts and feelings from those particularly difficult days. My mentor (Ms. Z) at the language school was very supportive, and often reminded me that the reason why I felt so terribly down was simply because I am a good teacher. Ms. Z’s statement implies support for the article, that the quality in good teachers is that of deep caring, vulnerable to being burned out and overwhelmed.

“Without understanding what caring means, teachers may become overwhelmed by the realities of care.”

Two weeks ago I sent an email to my faculty advisor, sharing my experience working with kids,

“I know I take a lot of my day back home with me. That is, if a lesson goes poorly, I will go home and reflect on why it went badly and how I could do better. Theoretically that is a really good practice, but I know that sometimes I take it too personally and can get overwhelmed and/or burdened by the fact that I cannot accomodate all the levels and needs of all the kids in my class. You will probably hear from me one day after a lesson goes poorly….

Tonight is one of those nights when I am absolutely exhausted…ironically, these are moments when I know that I am in the right profession, because even when I feel burned out or tired, I still look forward to the next day of teaching.

So far I really like the idea of ‘enactivism’ which we are bit by bit learning about in class, because, in the words of our professor, “adds value…Real life is integrated and embraces all compelx connections that add meaning”. This year I hope to gain from my practicum experience the skills required to engage in “ecology”…”a simultaneous attention to both individuals and the whole group”. Through our inquiry class, I will verbalize and internalize my ethics and teaching philosophy; in our schools, I will make a point to check the perspectives and understanding of my diverse learners, and through both processes I hope to reframe or broaden or complexify my identity as a teacher.

First day of School

It is completely different being in school learning about how to shape a classroom and assume the teacher’s role (in approx. 14 months!!). This had been a program that I’d dreamt of attending, as a first step, for years and years and years of my undergraduate. It wasn’t because I knew what to expect.. but I knew in my heart that I wanted to be an educator and that the first step into that career would be by completing this bachelor’s in education.

I loved my first day of school. It was my favourite first-day-of-school, and I usually love all of mine. The first day I walked into Jamieson Elementary school was confusing, and I don’t remember much of it (because I didn’t know enough English to encode that memory properly?); the first day of the UBC Transition Program was overwhelming because we were told that we would speed through the Gr.10 curricula in three month’s time; the first day of UBC was less overwhelming because I was used to the campus; the first day of our Busolwe (Ugandan) kindergarten was coloured with uncertainty and improvisation..

Today, we took a dive into our course content. The framework of the program is centered around both practice and theory, and it is a unique experience identifying some of my past experiences working with children and youth using some new terms and concepts we discussed today. During our discussion about diverse learners, I contrasted the students I worked with in Vancouver versus those from Busolwe; and during our discussion about literacy and language learning, I reflected on the learning needs of all my ESL students at the Academy. We were, and will continue to be, challenged to identify and/or reconsider our biases, assumptions, convictions, and strategies in our teaching philosophy. I am truly excited to grow as a teacher! There is so much to learn!

The best part about today was that I learned with other students and teacher candidates who love kids, and teaching, and self- discovery, and all have similar sparks of passion for learning and discovery that I have always had.