Peer Review of Hilton Ma’s Formal Report

MEMORANDUM

To: Hilton Ma, ENGL 301 Student
From: Quentin Michalchuk, ENGL 301 Student
Date: December 10th, 2020
Subject: Review of Formal Report

Thank you for the engaging report, “Formal Proposal for Licensing a 3D anatomy software”.  It is a terrific start to what is surely a convincing read.  Please find comments detailing potential improvements that can make this report even stronger.

First Impressions 

This report written almost entirely to the guidelines set by the text.  It has clear identification of the problem at hand, with a statement that makes the purpose obvious.  Expanding upon all sections and adding some minor formatting to the figures provided will make this report more thorough and allow for complete analysis of the problem at hand.  Overall, the report is displays considerable organization and research, however increased elaboration will limit distractions and questions that the reader may have. 

Introduction

The introduction is concise and gives sufficient background on the topic.  The problem statement appears to insightfully list potential implications, which may be further supported with secondary sources or stated tentatively.  A couple of sections that are typically included in an introduction appear to be missing.

• A methods section outlining how primary data was obtained
• A section that summarizes the scope of the inquiry
• A section for recommendation or conclusions of the inquiry
• (Optional) A section or sentence to two detailing the intended audience

It is up to the discretion of the author whether these take place as sections, or simply integrated into the background as was done with the purpose, however, incorporation of these elements should be understandable and clear.

Data Section 

The data section is systematic in nature, addressing all aspects of the problem.  The organization is logical, beginning with the significance, and proceeding to primary, then secondary data.  Ensure that the secondary sources are expanded upon sufficiently.  For example, in the last sentence of the first paragraph: “such courses”, for which courses does this apply?  Please be specific so the reader can interpret the validity of this information properly.

It may also be beneficial to support or integrate primary data with secondary data, providing increased importance behind the surveys and interviews.  Finally, please provide full descriptions of the data provided in the figures (the third paragraph of “Survey Data” simply adds context for the figure, not of the figure).  Some sections that may be further subdivided include survey and interview data, with a suggested subdivision given below.

• “Demographics” for questions 1 and 2
• “Online Classroom Environment and Satisfaction” for questions 3 and 4
• “Impact of Missing Resources” for questions 5 and 6

This is simply a guide, and other subdivisions are possible.  The purpose of this subdivision is to dive into greater depth into potential implications, supported with secondary sources, beyond “valuable insight”.  It will make the argument more coercive, as not only are the data reported, but a written interpretation is given that allows one to understand what the data mean.

The interview data appears to be missing.  Perhaps when complete, tying the interview data, survey data and application ability together in the data section may provide a well-rounded discussion of all the considerations and how they may play off one another.

The applications and their features, interoperability and costs are stated clearly.  In the first sentence, explaining what “popular” refers to might help explain why these three applications were chosen for comparison.  Perhaps a table comparing the three can provide visual support to the argument.  In addition, a preamble explaining the implications of each consideration can elucidate the importance of including them in the argument and their relative importance.  In the 4^th and last sentences, it may be to the author’s advantage to elucidate that Windows applications operate on PC devices. 

Conclusion

The conclusion is well-organized and provides a terrific summary of the content of the report. It lists a solution that is both realistic and addresses the problem, based on the data provided in the report. However, the title of “recommendations” seems inaccurate.  This is more of a “summary and overall interpretation of findings”.  In this regard, the conclusion can benefit from explicit recommendations, where the author’s suggestion(s) are listed methodically, perhaps in point form for ease of interpretation. 

Works Cited 

The works cited may infringe on some APA rules, such as the date coming after the title (as opposed to before).  Refer to Appendix A in the Technical Communication for more details. 

Appendices 

The appendices follow the guidelines of the Technical Communication text.

Content

This report contains thorough, compelling data, that when thoroughly explained, should address the need for licensing 3D anatomy software and the impact in the absence of such software.  The solution is compelling and plausible and will ensure the readers will ponder the implementation of such an application.

Organization

The report is organized into appropriate and effective headings and subheadings.  Refer to the Data Section for ideas on how to further reveal content within broad categories such as “survey” and “interview”.  Providing a more integrative style in the data section will ensure that the different sections flow more smoothly, i.e., instead of listing the data, integrate the survey, interview and other considerations into one argument with the figures as support. 

Style

The report is written in an overall positive tone, with objectivity generally maintained.  The “You Attitude” is used masterfully, allowing for the professor to understand the implications that the course and the instructor may face if the proper resources are not provided.  Perhaps expanding on this in the Data Section will allow for more reader relatability.  Third person style is present.  Please ensure that the reader can always follow the flow of logic, as seen in the last sentence of the first paragraph of the data section, referring to “courses” ambiguously and ending the argument somewhat weakly.  Further instances of this have been identified in the Data Section above.

Presentation 

Overall very clean.  A running head may be an addition to consider, as well as contacts for the readers.  Consider expanding figures to include a title, as well as descriptive axes titles.  The two figures may also benefit from a similar color scheme.  In addition, the caption should provide enough context in order for comprehension of the figures even in the absence of the rest of the report.  Perhaps differentiation in terms of bolding headings, leaving subheadings un-bolded, and italicizing sub-subheadings can make for increased clarity in the table of contents (the indentation can be difficult to follow).  The spacing in the table of contents can be reduced for easier interpretation.

Grammar and Spelling 

This report has a couple of grammar and spelling considerations. Ensure to review the report carefully for any that may have been missed.  Some are expanded upon below:

• Please ensure active voice and conciseness. Errors in active voice and conciseness occur throughout the report, however only some are addressed, as the fundamental concept for each is similar. Ensure to read the report thoroughly to find all these instances.
• Title
• Optional “a” in the title
• Background
• Third sentence: consider replacing “as well as” with “and”
• Fifth sentence: consider replacing “Through” with “Due to” and “this” with “the”
• Ensure to maintain active voice; for example, in the last sentence: “was” should be “is”
• Statement of Problem
• Please be concise in wording; for example, in the first sentence “a more” is unnecessary, and in the second sentence, one can simply state “Implications include” (although this may affect the implication voice, i.e. “A lack” instead of “Lack” will have to be used)
• Data section
• First paragraph: “overwhelmed by the content”  “being overwhelmed by the content”
• Again, the writing includes extraneous words: “all of which subsequently affect how well a student performs”  “affecting student performance”
• Survey Data
• First paragraph: ensure active voice
• Second paragraph, 1^st sentence: “roll”  “role”, “apart”  “a part”
• Second paragraph, last sentence – is “no teachers” necessary? If it is, consider rephrasing.
• Fourth paragraph, 1^st sentence – “questions”  “question”
• Fourth paragraph, 2^nd sentence – perhaps rephrase
• Features
• Last sentence – “feature rich but focused on”  “feature-rich, focusing on” (passive to active voice)
• Interoperability
• 3^rd sentence – “with the minimum” -> “with a minimum”
• 4^th sentence – “hardware intensive” -> “hardware-intensive”
• Conclusion
• First paragraph, 2^nd last sentence – Convolution; consider rephrasing
• Last paragraph – The paragraph contains a number of errors and rewriting may be beneficial

Concluding Remarks and Recommendations

The first draft is very strong, and undoubtedly the final will be even stronger.  Please follow these suggestions for improvement:

• Consider adding a running title and the contacts of the persons on the title
• Allowing for ease of reading with smaller spacing, bolded headings, non-bolded subheadings and italicized sub-subheadings in the table of contents
• Expanding upon the introduction with a methods, scope and recommendations section
• Integrating primary and secondary resources in the data section
• Thoroughly explaining and analyzing figures in the data section
• Adding subdivisions and expanding on data as necessary in the data section
• Elucidating and providing a similar colour scheme for figures
• Adding a recommendations section and renaming the current section in the conclusion
• Ensuring MLA citation is followed correctly
• Fixing the minor grammar and spelling errors

This report is thoroughly enjoyable to read and has the potential to change online courses involving anatomy.  Thus, the suggestions ensure that this report is elevated from a great report to an amazing one for the highest chance of success.

Enclosure: ENGL 301 – Assignment 3-2 – Formal Proposal Draft