Editing out the pronouns and avoiding the negative

Editing out the pronouns and avoiding the negative:

EXAMPLE:

“Your explanation of negation and why health equity is important today is quite vague and doesn’t provide specific case examples of the current problems surrounding health equity or in what context might the audience relate to the term.

REWRITE: 

The explanation of negation and why health equity is important today needs details, providing specific case examples of the current problems surrounding health equity will be helpful.

EXAMPLE:

For example, you provide a good understanding of health equity when you mention that individuals who don’t have access to “fitness centres, medical facilities or community centres” have lower health equity, but you do not specify an example of how it might be a disadvantage of “accessibility and convenience”.

REWRITE:

For example, providing an understanding of lower health equity for individuals who do not have access to “fitness centres, medical facilities or community centres” by specifying an example of how it might be a disadvantage of “accessibility and convenience” will improve readability.

EXAMPLE:

Being descriptive in your examples allows readers to clearly distinguish what it entails exactly.

REWRITE:

Being descriptive and detailed in examples is helpful.

Editing out the pronouns and unnecessary words will improve the tone and conciseness:

EXAMPLE: “I have reviewed your definition for the term “Blockchain”. Although I am a Computer Science student, I am not very familiar with this field, and I am able to get the general idea of blockchain after reading through your explanation for the first time. However, I do have a few suggestions to offer regarding some minor issues in your definitions after reading it more thoroughly.” (8 pronouns and 65 words).

REWRITE: Thank you for posting your definition for the term “Blockchain,” While not familiar with the term, the definition provides a good explanation. Please see some suggestions for further improving the assignment. (2 pronouns and 31 words).

Avoiding the negative and editing out unnecessary words will improve the tone of the review:

EXAMPLE: I noticed that you did not mention in what situation you are presenting these terms and who your target audience is for these definitions. I think having a situation and target audience in mind is helpful in guiding the style of your writing. Because of the lack of situation and audience, I will not be able to evaluate whether the document stray from the intended purpose. (7 pronouns and 67 words).

REWRITE: “The instructions ask for a description of the reading situation, which is necessary for evaluating the effectiveness of the level of definition ( 0 pronouns and 23 words).