DETAILS please !!
Without details:
My research proposal contains the following:
- Introduction of Topic
- Statement of Problem
- Proposed Solutions
- Scope of Questions
- Forms of Primary and Secondary Sources
- My Qualifications
- Conclusion
With Details:
My research proposal contains the following:
- Introduction of Topic – Improving recycling at Mobify
- Statement of Problem – Negative effects due to improper recycling
- Proposed Solutions – Educate, labeling, technology
- Scope of Questions – Customer approval, methods, costs and implicating new systems
- Forms of Primary and Secondary Sources – Surveys, observation and interviews as well as academic articles
- My Qualifications – Fresh point of view of the company and passion for the environment
- Conclusion – Wrap up
The reader of a Peer Review is not necessarily the writer of the document under review – so details are necessary.
Please note in the following examples how pronouns have been edited-out as well as details included in bold.
Example: “I have reviewed your research proposal. Thank you for your effort on producing such a well written proposal. It was very concise, organized and easy to read. I have provided my thoughts and suggestions below:
REWRITE: The proposal, “Paper Waste Reduction in Elite Educational Institute” is well written, concise, organized and easy to read. Please see suggestions below:
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Example: You have demonstrated how serious the issue is and why actions needed to be taken. I really enjoy reading it.
REWRITE: The proposal demonstrates the negative environmental and financial aspects of paper waste and promotes a zero-waste environment for the Yeouido Branch of Elite
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Example: “The introduction is short and concise and provides readers enough details to understand the background information of the issue.
REWRITE: The Introduction is concise providing details of the school’s success and rapid growth.
**
Example: “The introduction and the problem statements were very well written, highlighting what is already imposed in the similar field and what is not and for whom it applies to. It adequately highlights the consequences of the problem and offers insight to how WestJet operates. The proposal contains a possible solution of mitigating the problem and interviews people from upper end service agents at WestJet in the Vancouver International Airport. The email memorandum is also present in the team forum”( 79 words and 3 details).
REWRITE with details: The proposal introduces how West Jet employees are at high risk of fatigue and highlight the consequences (reduced alertness, impaired attention and decision making, and lapses in performance). The proposed solution includes increasing awareness of the dangers of fatigue and providing resources to prevent fatigue focusing on management at the Vancouver airport. The proposed methodology includes surveys and interviews (59 words and 9 details).
EXAMPLE: “First Impressions:
It was clear and succinct on the scope of the problem and the possible solution for improving the community around Guixi Park. The proposal highlights the current issues and gives a possible solution for road improvement to increase the motivation
The above paragraphs leaves the reader with these questions:
- What does the ‘it’ stand for in the first sentence?
- What is the problem? What are the current issues?
- Motivation for who? Motivated to do what?
REWRITE: The proposal clearly and succinctly describes the difficulties residents face trying to access the Guixi Community Park. Highlighting the major issues (a highway and road that obstruct access), the proposal intends to investigate the feasibility of building an eco-friendly bridge as well as a perimeter road as a means to motivate community visits to the park.
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