To: Adrianna Mroz, ENGL301 Student Writer
From: Karen Okoyomon, ENGL301 Student Reviewer
Date: October 18, 2021
Subject: Peer Review of Formal Report Proposal “Proposal for Determining Safe Disposal and Decreasing Barriers to the Recycling of E-waste in the City of Yellowknife”
Thank you for submitting your proposal on determining safe disposal for the city of Yellowknife, there was a lot of great information in it. Please see the review below that contains suggestions for improvements.
First Impressions:
- It is great that you addressed the audience that your proposal is geared towards.
- Good definition of e-waste; it allows the average reader to understand the term without having to do supplemental research.
- Good use of statistics to support your argument.
- Your introduction gives a good amount of background information on the subject. Your statement of problem is clear and shows how the issue was caused. You also discuss the consequences of the issue and how this affects the people in Yellowknife. You have clearly shown that you have done ample research on this subject.
- Valid list of qualifications.
Organization:
Your proposal is well-organized, using subheadings to separate the distinct parts of the paper. It was easy to follow your points in a logical order. You also made use of white space which is pleasing to the eye.
Content / Overall Idea:
Overall, your idea to reduce e-waste is well thought out, and your scope provided good data collection methods. Your solution was reasonable and realistic enough for the government to be able to implement in the future.
Clarity:
In the proposed solution section of your proposal, you phrased your solution in one very long sentence. This makes it harder for the reader to follow along with the main idea. To improve on this, I would suggest breaking it up into two or three sentences. Also, in the same section, you say that “possible solutions […] is to offer better incentives,” but you only go on to list one solution. This can be improved by either listing multiple solutions, or just rephrasing the sentence so that it only introduces one idea.
Revision example:
- Original: “Possible solutions to reducing the harmful effects of toxic chemicals leaching into the surrounding area from improper disposal of e-waste is to offer better incentives to locals to bring in their electronics instead of bringing them to the landfill, providing residents with a specific location isolated from the landfill in order to protect local fauna and flora as well as giving local communities a better degree of transparency surrounding facility operations.”
- This sentence is 71 words long and loses its flow halfway through. Below is a revised version. The revisions are marked in bolded and squared brackets.
- Revised: [A] Possible solutions to reducing the harmful effects of toxic chemicals leaching into the surrounding area from improper disposal of e-waste is to offer better incentives to locals to bring in their electronics instead of bringing them to the landfill [.] [This can be achieved by] providing residents with a specific location isolated from the landfill in order to protect local fauna and flora as well as giving local communities a better degree of transparency surrounding facility operations.
- Here, I have split the sentence into two, ending the first one after the word “landfill”. I also removed the ‘s’ at the end of solutions to showcase one idea.
Spelling & Grammar:
You have good spelling and grammar throughout the proposal. There were no typos identified. The only grammar note I have is to avoid run-on sentences. You can review this by reading your sentences aloud, as this will make it easier for you to identify mistakes in your writing.
Works Cited List:
Everything is cited correctly using MLA format.
Concluding Comments:
Overall, your paper was very well done and well thought out. The issue of E-waste seems like something that you are very passionate about. The detail and effort put into this proposal has made it an enjoyable read.
Thank you and please feel free to ask any questions.
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