Assignment 3.3: Peer Review of Danisa’s Formal Report Draft

To: Danisa Rambing, Student ENGL 301 Technical Writing UBC
From: Morgan Lorenz, Student ENGL 301 Technical Writing UBC
Date: November 27, 2021
Subject: Assignment 3.3 – Formal Report Peer Review

Dear Danisa,

Thank you for sharing the formal report on funding opportunities for UBC Arts undergraduate students. The submission is strong and fulfills most of the expected criteria asked of for completion. Please see below several notes that arose during the review:

First Impressions:

Currently, according to the submitted draft of the formal report there is no title for the document. For the final submission, please update this document with the appropriate title that illustrates the action of the report and intended audience. The submission is detailed, thorough, and provides a broad report of financial support that can be harnessed for undergraduate students. It is important to be mindful of required changes going forward to ensure all expected assessment criteria are met in the final submission.

Introduction: 

• The introduction clarifies the financial struggles impacting UBC Vancouver Arts students and provides evidence of it’s impact across a large population. The introduction successfully outlines the problem but does not go into further detail on the purpose of the report. More detail on the purpose of the report is needed.

Organization:

• The submission is clearly labeled in the headings and includes an alphanumeric outline that is clear to follow.
• References are not included in the draft submission but is stated on the table of contents. Please include references if it is included on the table of contents.
• Please revise your footnote citations to follow appropriate MLA/APA citation guidelines.

Statement of Problem

• There is substantive evidence provided and clear prose throughout the paper submission. All points are clearly backed up with comprehensive research and clearly addresses the problem at hand, addressing the limited amount of financial support available for UBC Arts Undergraduates students. 
  • The report contains constructive actionables that can be taken to address the problem at hand. Recommendations are constructive and tangible, providing multiple options to the VPFO portfolio. 
  • Recommendations were strong, addressing the problem at hand while also capturing attention of the audience. 
• Utilized data throughout the article that served as substantial evidence to address the problem at hand, which made for a strong report.

Proposed Solution:

This section clearly states how  is a suitable solution to all the issues and problems addressed in the statement of problem. The proposed solution is innovative and will indisputably bring about change for undergraduate Arts students. More detail is required upon what objectives can result from the proposal and actions taken. Please revise to clarify for the audience.

Scope:

This assessment of distinguishing the assessed group of Canadian undergraduate students in the Faculty of Arts as an important group to support is very suitable to the paper’s purpose and should yield relevant results for this investigation. However, this submission did not include an outline of areas of inquiry within the Scope section.

Data Collection:

The plan for collecting primary (surveys) and secondary data sources (academic articles) are well-thought out, reasonable and within the time restraints of  the assignment. Together between primary and secondary data resources, the final formal report will provide substantive information towards the factors contributing towards financial education impacting undergraduate students in the Faculty of Arts. Additionally, this submission did not include an outline of areas of inquiry so it is unclear if the data collection will address all areas of inquiry.

Grammar and Technical Errors:

Please refer to the following in regards to minor grammatical errors:

Introduction:

• • Be mindful of run-on sentences.
  • Please remove the additional hyphen included in “According to the SFU Awards, Bursaries and Scholarships Database, students enrolled in the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences are eligible for 112 awards, 124 bursaries and 36 scholarships4 –estimated to be 189% above the UBC Arts awards amount”.

Purpose of Report:

• • Please provide further detail on the purpose of the report to clarify objectives that can result from the report. More clarity is required.

Data Collection:

• • Be mindful of run-on sentences.
  • Delete “possibly” in “With almost 95% of survey participants denoting “financial support” as a “Very Important” factor in the decision to attend a school, the University’s frugality can possibly hinder future enrollment of domestic Canadian students.” Be confident in your word choice.
  • Replace “represent the urgency of increasing” with “show urgency is required to increase” in the sentence “As a result, the financial concerns of UBC Arts students represent the urgency of increasing financial assistance for the Arts.”

References

• Please edit the footnotes to ensure it meets appropriate guidelines for MLA/APA citations.
• Please include references if it is noted in the table of contents submitted. This is currently missing from the draft.

Style:

• Well structured report.
• Clearly outlined and there is a constructive flow to the entire report.
• Be mindful about run-on sentences. 
• Not sure if the sizing of the calligraphy in Table of Contents is meant to be bigger than the title of the page, just wanted to call attention in case. Structure is empirical and constructive, meeting expectations for formal report expectations. 
• Tone is positive throughout the report and remains objective throughout. 
• The report does not carry a you-attitude in its tone or chosen vernacular. 

Revisions: Please note the suggested revisions in this review that will improve the quality:

• provide a clear outline of all recommendations proposed.
• Ensure that pronoun usage is eliminated from writing
• ensure paper alignment guidelines are being met according to Technical Communication (2019)
• correcting grammar.

Overall, this is an impressive draft submission for an important investigation that could help many undergraduate students and also provide financial support for those who need it most. I hope these suggestions are helpful for the revision process. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or further clarification.

Warmly,

Morgan

 

Assessed Submission: Danisa Rambling Formal Report Draft