To: Morgan Lorenz, Student ENGL 301 Technical Writing UBC
From: Danisa Rambing, Student ENGL 301 Technical Writing UBC
Date: November 29, 2021
Subject: Assignment 3.3 – Formal Report Peer Review
Peer Review/ Formal Report Draft: Expanding Health and Wellness Education for Undergraduate Students at University of British Columbia
I hope you are well. Thank you for submitting the draft of your formal report “Expanding Health and Wellness Education for Undergraduate Students at University of British Columbia”. The formal report draft is well-rounded and structured and it clearly demonstrates a dedicated amount research of this topic. The report is thorough and informative with a clear list of concluding recommendations to the health and wellness education of UBC undergraduate students. Please see below for some suggestions for improvement.
First Impressions
At a first look, the draft is quite informative and embodies a simple yet effective way of non-technical messaging. A big strength the report demonstrates is the comprehensiveness of the topic research, such as report’s recommendations for lifestyle changes which are backed by scientific research.
However, one area that requires improvement is the emphasis on the report’s direct audience. While the report includes a “Collaborations with Administrative and Third Party Units”, the draft would have benefitted from explicit mention of the organization, the faculty/department or even the individuals that could contribute to the implementing the recommendations provided. Likewise, integrating the visual illustrations in between paragraphs instead of after the report may help readers make better connections to the report’s messaging and the visual evidence.
Introduction
The introduction provides a solid overview of the report’s topic by utilizing quantitative evidence and an active voice.
Some of the highlights of the introduction include:
- Starting the report off with a informative and engaging opening hook sentence
- Including factual evidence to support your initial claims
- Presenting the issue at hand explicitly and concisely
Some areas for improvement/to consider include:
- Beginning the introductory paragraph with factual evidence to assert the gravity of the report’s topic
- Include the intended audience in the introduction
- Provide more context about the consequences of sedentary lifestyles
- Including a visual illustration before or after your introduction can provide initial context for readers
Organization
The flow of the report is very concise and structured, which allows readers to easily follow the report’s message and retain information effectively. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further elaboration, especially “Collaborations with Administrative and Third Party Units”, especially to provide more context as to who the report’s explicit audience is.
Likewise, paragraphs like “Female Undergraduate Students” could benefit from being a sub-paragraph rather than an entire separate paragraph. This section highlights the gender distinction in mental health and stress, which subsequently fits the report’s “Mental Health and Stress” paragraph and should thus be appended under it.
Style
The style of this report is engaging and effective at conveying the report’s message. However, some instances of American English rather than Canadian English were detected (e.g. center instead of centre; behaviors instead of behaviours), which can and should be edited fairly easily.
Design
Inclusion of survey screenshots and statistical evidence were effective at informing readers of the methods of data collection, while the campaign photos from UBC’s “Physical Activity” guide also allows readers to see the University’s direct wording of the message. However, the report may benefit from including visual images of students or individuals, since the report’s topic primarily concerns the health and wellbeing of people.
Final Thoughts
The report has great potential and is on its way towards success. The report clearly conveys the action needed to improve the health and wellbeing of UBC undergraduates and the reasons for urgent action.
Overall, It was a pleasure to review this assignment. Please let me know if there are any questions regarding this review.
Best,
Danisa Rambing
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