Good Monday morning 301
I am working my way through your Unit Two evaluations and expect to be complete before the end of the week. In the meantime, I am posting an example of an excellent Peer Review for the LinkedIn Profile assignment as well as some tips for completing your Formal Report Draft.
The LinkedIn profile review assignment asked you to create a template review document designed specifically for Linked In. The instructions ask you to:
- Organize a form that is designed specifically to review a linked-in Profile
- Select the categories and headings for a Linked-in peer review form
- Study the LinkedIn profile page carefully and consider all possible categories for organizing your review
- For example: ‘Quality and Appropriateness of Profile Photo’
Here is an example of an excellent LinkedIn Peer Review for you to study:
Drafting Formal Report
Here are some notes to follow for writing your first draft of your Formal Report:
- Use YOU attitude; every sentence you write, consider you reader[s]:
- Ask yourself, does my reader already know this information? If so, phrase your sentences so that you acknowledge that you are providing information the reader already knows.
For example:
Wrong: “There are 5000 students attending and transportation needs are important to consider.”
Right: “As you know, transportation for 5000 students is a major consideration.”
Remember, you are NOT writing this report for me
- Always consider your reader[s] to be very busy people: organize your report with small sections with bold headings so that a reader can quickly find the information they are looking for without having to read the entire report.
- Refer to visuals in the text: i.e. – “Figure 3 demonstrates that most students would prefer to fly to their destination”.
- Be sure your visuals are correctly titled and explained sufficiently in the text.
- Be sure to use YOU attitude in your introduction to the report. This will also help ensure that you are focused on your reader’s needs as you write the introduction; and only your reader’s needs.
- Here is an example to follow:
- Student Letter of Application missing You Attitude:
Given my experience as Membership Management Trainee at Canadian Chamber of Commerce in Hong Kong, I have confidence in supporting the development and maintenance of the Annual and Special Giving portfolio. I am committed to bringing my strong interpersonal skills and excellent work ethic to this position and to help continue and build new donor and customer relationship at Union Gospel Mission.
With You Attitude:
I respect and admire the important social work you accomplish at the Union Gospel Mission and I am excited to see your team is seeking a Development Assistant to help support the development and maintenance of the Annual and Special Giving portfolio. Working with your program of giving offers the opportunity to commit to and contribute to a valuable mission. I am confident I can offer the commitment, the skills and the passion to be a part of your team and help to continue and build new and satisfying donor and customer relationship for the Union Gospel Mission.
- Student Letter of Application missing You Attitude:
Keep your self-editing eye on:
- over use of the passive voice (which increases word count);
- too many unnecessary words;
- too much unnecessary information;
- remembering, you are writing this report for someone else, not for yourself and not for me – but for the person who can act on your recommendations;
- remembering, this is not an essay, so please ensure that your introduction does not read like an essay; keep your paragraphs short and to the point and write with conciseness and clarity.
- remembering, your reader is busy!
These two stylistic errors significantly increase your word count:
- using a passive voice
- unnecessary words
Here are two examples Student Draft: 105 words:
Opinions from employees working at the FWI were collected by conducting a short voluntary survey. The survey is anonymous, and it asks for their communication preferences and suggestions toward any new communication technologies. A sample survey is attached in Appendix A. The result of the survey was then analyzed in order to create appropriate interview questions. Research was also done for each possible communication option mentioned in the survey. An interview was conducted with the IT manager, Bev Fotiuk, regarding the costs of implementation and maintenance of potential communication software. Interview questions are attached in Appendix B. The feasibility of respective software was also discussed.
REWRITE: 53 Words
Thirty three FWI employees responded to a short survey designed to gather data on communication practices and suggestions for improvements (Appendix A). From analyses of this survey data, and secondary research, interview questions were designed to measure the IT manager’s (Ms. Fotiuk) perspectives on cost and feasibility of implementing new communications systems or software (Appendix B).
Student Draft: 65 Words
Since the author’s church is currently using the paper based offering record system, the author had to interview other churches which are using a church finance computer program in order to estimate the cost and time taken. However, the author was only able to interview one person, who attends a different church, because most people felt uncomfortable by being asked about their church’s financial system.
REWRITE: 33 Words:
Estimations of time and cost for a digitized system of accounting for Church offerings are calculated based on a personal interview with a member of the Samsung Presbyterian Church, also located in Vancouver.
I hope these examples will impress you with the necessity of editing with a focus on eliminating unnecessary information, rewriting in an active voice, and careful word choices; and, always prefer nouns over verbs.
PLEASE avoid the word ‘it’ – when you are self-editing, stop at every ‘it‘ and consider rephrasing the sentence.
PLEASE do not end a sentence with a two letter word: at, it, on, in, if, so, an, of, ……..
Stay in the present tense when possible
Avoid three verbs in a row:
“This survey was created to collect primary data that will be used to determine the efficiency of Webcheckout. With the results gathered, I will be able to find problematic points in the system, and make recommendations for improvement. [38 words].
Rewrite:
This is a survey to collect primary date to determine the efficiency of the Web Check-out system at ArtsIt, UBC. The results will indicate problems with the system and make recommendations for improvement. [36 words].
Drafting your Methods Section
The key to this section is to include both details and explanations. Here is an example of a well-handled Methods Section to follow.
I have highlighted the details and the explanations.
Method of Research
Sixty-five customers of ABC Supermarket responded to a short survey designed to analyze public perception of food waste at ABC Supermarket as well as gauge interest in a potential juicing solution. An analysis of potential costs and revenue was performed to determine the feasibility of implementing such a product. In addition, interviews were conducted with three former employees of the market to estimate the levels of food being thrown out at the market.
I hope these examples are helpful.
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