Look what happens when I rewrite this paragraph from a peer review for a first draft — with YOU attitude:
Incorrect:
The introduction section was the most informative as you were keen to incorporate factual data that created a picture of the current status of the UBC’s Science Co-op program. Specifically, the idea of citing data from 2016-2017 annual report was highly commendable as it gave your draft a professional touch. However, my concern is that you forgot to create a work cited page for consulted materials. Nevertheless, the most important area you need to focus on is providing rough details for all other sections, results, discussion, and conclusion. By doing so, you will lay down the problem and highlight your advanced solutions progressively. [103 words]
Rewrite:
The introduction section is informative with factual data providing a good overall picture of the Science Co-op program. The inclusion of data from the most recent annual report lends a professional tone. There are omissions to attend to:
- works cited list is missing
- details for each section are missing: results, discussions, conclusions
By attending to these details, the problem will become clearer and the solutions can be highlighted with details. [80 words]
_________________________________________________
A good example of a Peer Review for YOU attitude Memo to Even Crisp:
Thank you for submitting this email for review. Please find comments below for improving the email, which should be helpful for ensuring a positive response from your reader.
1) Formatting
- Providing a title that gives enough information so that a reader who is not taking the course would have a basic idea of what the document is about, will be helpful.
- Creating a subject line with specifics will be helpful for the reader.
- Being careful on spelling the recipient’s name correctly is important; i.e. the student’s name is Crisp.
- All heading entries (To, From, Date, Subject) align evenly after subject. See page 326-327 in our textbook.
- The heading “Tips for emailing a professor” should have capitals for words with five or more letters because it is a heading.
2) Introduction
- Strong introduction. Clearly and accurately states the purpose of the memo.
- Demonstrated You-Attitude by avoiding starting the memo with “I” and referred to the reader with the pro-noun you.
3) Body (Tips for emailing a professor)
- Removing “you” from the body of the memo will demonstrate YOU attitude towards Evan (see 1.7 in the You-Attitude reading).
- Replacing imperative verbs with “ing” verbs will improve YOU attitude (see the Instructor’s Blog: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-99c-2018wc/2018/03/01/more-unit-two-writing-tips/).
- Avoiding generalities is important: for example, “Tailor the tone of the email to the professor you are emailing” needs to include information for how this can be done.
- Including tips that are from the You-Attitude reading will help Evan write with a You-Attitude.
- Good use of tips taken from Chapter 11 from the textbook.
4) Conclusion
- Proofreading is needed. “Following these tips may increases…”
- Removing needless/inaccurate quantifier “may” from the above sentence will increase the readability (see page 214 in our textbook).
- Following the tips in the memo will increase Evan’s chances of being added to the course.
- Strong ending. Good use of link to sender’s email address
5) Overall Impression
This assignment will be strengthened by applying more of the information from the You-Attitude reading. Evan should also be addressed with a You-Attitude while being given advice on how to write with a You-Attitude. Aside from that, the writing was clear and concise, and the tips were generally strong.
I hope this helps! Feel free to contact me if you want to discuss this further.
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