TO: Thu Vo, Student in English 301 99C
FROM: Jenny Bachynski, Student in English 301 99C
DATE: February 3rd, 2019
SUBJECT: Peer Review of Your Formal Report Proposal Pertaining to UBC Science Co-op
I have reviewed the draft of your formal report proposal. Thank you very much for putting together such a detailed plan of action. You clearly have extensive experience in this matter and are passionate about sustaining this UBC program. I would like to offer some suggestions to elevate your work even more:
Voice: There are some instances where you use the passive voice. For example, at the beginning of your introduction you write, “the competition in the job market” and I would recommend changing it to, “ the competitive job market”. This sentence would be more concise as: “With vast developments in technology, economy, and society, the competitive job market has become fiercer than ever for new graduates.” I suggest looking through your draft for this usage.
Word Choice: You have used descriptive language throughout the proposal. While this does add useful information, some of it feels unnecessary. I suggest trying to be a bit more concise and less wordy. For example, when you write, “Through Co-op Programs, students gain industry work experience, explore career options and build career networks while being supervised, evaluated and paid by employers” I would suggest saying, “Through Co-op programs, students gain work experience, career options, and networking, while being supervised, evaluated, and paid by industry professionals.” In the newer version, there is less wordiness, and the word “employers” is replaced by the more specific term, “industry professionals’. I recommend cutting word count down by removing redundant words and making sure that if you’re adding detail, be more specific.
Research: It is clear that you have invaluable experience with the UBC Science Co-op – I am confident that this will be a significant asset in your research. You appear very knowledgeable about where and how to conduct this study and your primary and secondary sources seem highly applicable for this project.
I hope that you find these suggestions helpful as you move forward with your proposal. You have a wonderful, solid foundation to start this project, and I look forward to seeing your work progresses. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.
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