Assignment 2.1 – Thu Vo’s Peer Review of Formal Report Proposal for Jenny Bachynski

TO:               Jenny Bachynski, Member of team The TechniWriters, English 301 99C course

FROM:         Thu Vo, Member of team The TechniWriters, English 301 99C course T.V.

DATE:          February 4^th, 2019

SUBJECT:   301 Peer Review, Assignment 2.1 Formal Report Proposal for Jenny Bachynski

Thank you for submitting your formal report proposal for lesson 2.1. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your assignment and have made some suggestions for improvement, which I hope is helpful.

First impression:

You did a great job in selecting an original topic that is particular to your own experience, has room for further research and specific enough to effectively investigate within 12 to 15 pages of the report. The writing language is smooth, concise and professional.

Overall document lay-out and design:

• This looks like a well-organized document with bolded headings and clear sections.
• The document has all the components of a research proposal example on pages 543-544 of the course textbook, Technical Communications.

Content:

• Introduction:
  • It might be helpful to elaborate on the background information about the infant and youth programs at VPL. Example ideas:
    • Are there any requirements to sign up? (e.g. Do you need to be a member of the VPL first or is there a fee associated?)
    • Do parents need to accompany the child at all times during these programs?
    • Are these programs comparable or more beneficial comparing to other sources (e.g. Is bilingual program at VPL better than at a bilingual institution?)
  • The importance of these programs:
    • I like your first reason: they benefit the future generation.
    • I am confused by your second reason: it should be about how lack of awareness and participation to these programs will affect the libraries, not the other way around.
  • The audience of this proposal should be of a higher authority to act upon your recommendations. It is true that the staffs will be the main force to deliver the solutions, but they will require an order from a higher authority. For instance, a motivated employee wants to promote these programs at a kindergarten, but he is obligated to work an 8-hour shift at the library every day unless his boss sends him out for promoting work.
• Statement of Problem:
  • Your opening sentence can be modified to “…that will help infant and youth excel…” to match with your opening sentence in the Introduction.
  • Switching the second sentence to the second half of the first sentence would be better. The main problem is the lack of awareness and it should be mentioned right at the beginning of your paragraph.
  • Two other areas you can investigate: one, families that just moved to Vancouver area; two, new immigrants or those who are not very fluent in English living in Vancouver.
  • You mentioned that these programs will benefit low income families the most. Please consider if this would be the focus of the report. If so, you might want to revise the proposal and your future report. If not, you might want to rephrase your paragraph.
• Proposed Solution:
  • This is a well-written paragraph. It is very straightforward and to the point.
  • Your solutions are very realistic and can promote the visibility of the programs.
  • I noticed you mentioned “three key goals to be reached” in the Statement of Problem. This gave me a sense that the solutions provide in this section will help achieving those goals, which are not necessarily true.
    • How do these solutions help connecting parents to each other and to the community?
    • How do these solutions provide support for library longevity? (e.g. from donations from families or maybe the increase in people using these programs will boost the city to invest more on libraries)
• Scope:
  • The questions are well-thought-out and will surely assist you in the researching process.
  • Another question you can consider: For families that know about the program, what hinders them from joining? Maybe lack of time, too much commitment or language barrier?
  • Is it necessary true that you only need to study the awareness of young families of these programs? Please refer to your Statement of Problem where you mentioned other groups of family that you want to investigate.
  • What is the DTES? Please elaborate.
• Methods:
  • Primary sources are extensive and realistic. It might be helpful to elaborate more on the benefits of interviewing your friend.
  • Secondary source can include ways of promoting library programs at other libraries in Canada or in the world.
• My Qualifications:
  • This is a great paragraph, which shows your personal experience as a user to these programs offered by the VPL as well as your relevant educational background. I am most impressed with the phrase “navigating new motherhood”, and I hope to see it mentioned in your final report as a benefit of these programs.
• Conclusions:
  • A strong ending to your proposal. I can sense the urgency in your words!
  • The opening statement does not fully convey the entire picture. As I mentioned before, you wrote about infant and other groups of family in your proposal. They should be all included here.
  • The last sentence can be rewrite in passive voice:
    • Original: “By investigating the five questions I mentioned earlier, I feel that we can gather enough information to extend the programs reach and encourage larger groups of citizens, and their children, to become part of this community.”
    • Rewrite: “The investigation of five areas of inquiry mentioned above will bring forth extensive information for the [audience] to make necessary changes. This will reach and encourage larger groups of citizens, and their children, to become part of this community.”

 Grammar and problems of expression:

Very good, I cannot find any problem!

General statement:

Your proposal is interesting to read and tackles a realistic problem in the system that is drawn upon your own experience. Your writing language is simple but very effective. With the following edits, this will be an excellent document:

• Targeted families and children should be consistent throughout.
• The audience of this proposal should be of higher authority.
• Some elaborations (mentioned above) would be helpful.
• Some more thoughts on the focus of this report and revise accordingly if necessary.

It has been a pleasure reviewing your work. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any question.

Jenny Bachynski’s original Formal Report Proposal can be found here.