To: Harsha Bhamra, IncrEDIBLES team member
From: Jasmin Senghera, IncrEDIBLES peer reviewer
Date: March 16th, 2019
Subject: Peer Review of “An Investigation of Leadership Roles Within Alumni UBC”
Thank you for your formal report draft, “An Investigation of Leadership Roles Within Alumni UBC Student Leadership Committee.” The issue of the lack of opportunities within the SLC you presented was very clear and thorough. Additionally the solution to promote alumni UBC through increased leadership of the SLC is very workable and applicable given the context. Below are some suggestions for improvement.
First Impressions:
Based on an initial glance, this formal report draft is outstanding. A major strength of this report is the data section that depicts the results of the surveys conducted of the SLC members and the student body because it is concise and informative. Furthermore, the presence of the survey questions within this section makes it easier to understand the results of the surveys
- One overall area of improvement would be writing with more of a “you” attitude. This could be achieved by reducing words such as “I” or “we” to focus on the reader.
Organization:
The order throughout the report is consistent. The presence of bolded subheadings alongside clear text aided in clarity. All in all, it was very easy to navigate.
- To improve flow, it would be helpful to reduce the size of some of the paragraphs. The discussion section in particular could be divided into multiple paragraphs to allow for better understanding of the content. Additionally, the introduction involving background information could be reduced as the audience of the report likely knows this information already.
Introduction:
The introduction is extremely informative and explains the problem of how the SLC isn’t fulfilling its true purpose with detail while remaining concise. The solution to implement a set of expectations for the SLC and to build more awareness for alumni UBC is also made very apparent. The introduction provides a strong overview for the rest of the report.
- Talking about the methods and the scope of the research would be beneficial in the introduction to provide a clearer understanding of the primary research conducted. To do this, it would be helpful to talk more about what the surveys are about and how many people were surveyed. For the scope, it would be good to outline the predominant research questions being answered.
Data Section:
The data section is very logical and well laid out. The primary and secondary research are particularly powerful. Talking to both the SLC members and the student body provided substantial information, indicating that the SLC does in fact need to include more opportunities to work with the student body to increase awareness of alumni UBC and to promote leadership within the SLC. The resulting quantitative data presented is thereby coherent and comprehensive. Likewise, the secondary research detailing the need for leadership opportunities to improve community values supported the purpose of the report to explore new ways for the SLC to communicate the benefits of alumni UBC to the students.
- Including the number of individuals of the student body surveyed would aid in the comprehensiveness of this section. Furthermore, there was some repetitiveness in this section which could be prevented by removing the section reiterating the methods in the discussion.
Conclusion:
The conclusion does a great job in summarizing the findings that have been previously explained. It makes it apparent that the SLC needs some improvements and that it can be done in collaboration with alumni UBC.
- The only area of improvement in this section would be the recommendations portion as it includes new ways for the SLC to communicate the benefits of alumni UBC that have not been thoroughly explored in the data section. To prevent mentioning these new topics in the conclusion, it would be useful to include these topics in the data section.
Style:
Overall the paragraphs are clear and easy to follow. They don’t require to be read multiple times to understand the points being made. This is beneficial especially in the case of a busy audience.
- To focus more on the reader through the “you” attitude, there should be less of an emphasis on “I” or “we” throughout the paper. This will ensure that the reader’s interests are prioritized.
Design:
The design of the report is very appealing. The paragraphs are seamlessly integrated into the content of the report. This allows for the report to be reader-friendly and visually appealing.
- The design of the report can be improved by immersing the figures into the text rather than placing them at the end of the report. This will make the results more visual and more apparent. A descriptive sentence explaining the figures would also assist in improvement in the design
Overall, you have created a commendable first draft of your formal report, that will definitely be beneficial to alumni UBC and the SLC. I hope my suggestions help you during the revision process. Please feel free to email me at jasminsenghera@gmail.com if you have any questions.
Enclosure: Harsha’s Formal Report
https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-99c-2018wc/2019/03/12/draft-of-formal-report/
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