Peer Reviewer: Brionne McWilliams ENGL 301 Team Member
Author: Beenish Fatima, ENGL 301 Team Member
Date: Date: March 28, 2019
Subject: Peer Review of Beenish’s Application Package Draft
Hello Beenish,
Thank you for submitting your preliminary draft of your application package for lesson 4:1. It was a pleasure to read your application. The design and organization of your materials particularly impressed me. An area for improvement is to incorporate the “you” attitude into your writing when composing your reference request letters. Please see my review below including feedback and suggestions to further improve your application materials.
Advertisement Instructions
Content
- Appropriate details of the job are provided.
Citation
- A citation is provided and correctly cited in MLA format.
Cover Letter
Organization/Layout
- The letter contains the three main sections (introduction, body, and conclusion) of an effective cover letter.
Content
- Introduction immediately gets to the point by identifying yourself, explaining your purpose, and establishing a connection (description of motivating factors). To further develop a connection, you could include information about the add itself (where you saw the add, or how you found out about the job).
- The body calls attention to specific skills (Microsoft Excel, leading volunteer teams, etc.) from her resume relevant to the requirements of a research job.
- Consider focusing on 2-3 skills you want to portray; therefore, you have room to include information about what you hope to gain from the job.
- The conclusion restates your interest in the job and encourages your reader to contact you. Adding in your contact information will make it easy for your reader to follow-up with you.
Design
- The letter follows the one-page length requirement.
- The design is clean and easy to read because of the spacing between lines and paragraphs.
Resume
Content
- Contact information includes name, phone number, and email, but does not include an address.
- The career objective specifically describes your current job interest. However, consider including information about your long-term goals.
- The education section includes all relevant details such as school, location, degree, and dates. Consider removing details about high school education as it may not be relevant to the research job.
- The volunteer section includes information about your position, dates, responsibilities, and contact information.
- The experience section includes appropriate details and relevant experiences that showcase applicable skills to a research job.
- Includes appropriate information about references (available on request).
Format
- The resume follows the 1-2-page length requirement.
- Consider using bullet points to list applied skills gained from each experience.
Layout
- The resume is in reverse chronological order that showcases your most recent and relevant experiences.
- Consider placing your experience above your volunteer
Reference Request Letters
Content
- The names of your three references are provided but consider including the content from the letters. The letters should be concise and use a “you” attitude writing style to persuade your references to accept your offer.
Organization
- Application materials are organized and clean.
- A table of contents is provided to enhance readability.
- Important information is bolded to attract your reader’s attention (name, job titles, headings, etc.).
Writing Style
- Your tone is professional and purposeful.
- Implementing the “you” attitude in your writing can persuade the research committee to choose you for the job. You can achieve this by removing “I”, especially in your cover letter.
- Consider incorporating more accomplishment statements when describing your responsibilities and skills on your resume. You can achieve this by quantifying your responsibilities. For example, consider including information about how much money you raised as a student fundraiser. Providing this information will show your reader the skills you describe.
Grammar
The writing is professional and clear; however, the following suggestions make your materials more concise for your busy reader:
- Consider editing out imperative verbs by using the present tense of the verb to make your writing both more concise and professional.
- “My recent work experience and course work have highlighted the importance of innovation and evolution in the implementation of health care services and are the motivating factors in my pursuance of this position.” Rewrite “My recent work experience and course work have highlighted the importance of innovation and evolution in implementing health care services and are the motivating factors in my pursuance of this position.”
- Readability may be enhanced by using “could/can” instead of “were able to”.
- “As a result, I was able to foster effective task management strategies and expand both my teamwork and leadership capabilities”. Rewrite “As a result, I could foster effective task management strategies and expand both my teamwork and leadership capabilities.”
- Removing unnecessary words such as, “that” and “the process of”, can make your application materials more concise.
Summary
Overall, your application materials are very strong. Your documents are concise and include relevant and applicable details for the specific job you are applying for.
Main suggestions for improvement are:
- Remove “I” from your cover letter
- Use bullet points to describe your job responsibilities and skills
- Include information about your long-term goals
- Incorporate the “you” attitude in all documents
- Include three reference request letters
- Proofread profile for grammatical errors and typos
Hopefully, these suggestions can help you gain insight into ways you can improve your application materials. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to email me at Brionne_9@hotmail.com. Good luck with your job hunt!
Sincerely,
Brionne McWilliams
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