Peer Review of Juanita’s Report Draft

To: Juanita Kwok, Student

From: Matilda Murray, Student

Date: 25th July, 2022

Subject: Peer review of formal report draft on Determining the Impact of Mental Health in the Workplace in a Post-Pandemic Society.

The formal report draft, “Determining the Impact of Mental Health in the Workplace in a Post-Pandemic Society” was a fascinating and relevant read. The mental wellness of British Columbians is incredibly important and with these suggestions I think that the report will be excellent and truly useful:

First Impressions:

• Good use of data that helps support the argument that more mental health initiatives are needed.
• Clear and easy to follow writing.
• Visuals displaying survey findings need some adjustments.
• The data section could benefit from some expansion.

Content:

• All necessary sections are included.
• The report was under the word count. However, many of the following suggestions will solve the problem.
• Introduction:
  • The introduction was well written and perfectly introduced the impact of COVID-19 and the issue of mental health decline in the workplace.
  • Removing the intended audience section will help reduce needless writing. The report is to be presented to Adrain Dix, so it is unnecessary to provide background on him.
  • Including more detail in the methods of enquiry section will help better understand the report’s findings. Adding how many people answered the survey and explaining what the surveys and interviews ask of the participants will improve the methods section.
• Collected Data:
  • Directly linking survey findings and secondary research about age will allow for better understanding. Example: The survey shows that millennials comprise a significant majority of the workforce. Meanwhile, results from the American Psychological Association demonstrate that many millennials find stress management important. Thus, one should focus on the demands of a significant majority of the workforce.
  • Providing evidence to back up the argument that stress is related to COVID-19-related factors in the post-pandemic stress section. Clarifying where the idea that factors such as long hours are a cause of stress came from will strengthen the argument by providing evidence.
  • Expanding on suggestions to improve mental health will aid in arguing the feasibility of recommendations. Example: Building off survey suggestions to implement four day work week by investigating Canadian companies who have already implemented the method. Further discussing exercise and how it releases endorphins which reduces anxiety and depression.
  • Incorporating a more comprehensive summary of the E-Book 11 Ways to Prevent Burnout. Including an expanded summary of the book will present Mr Dix with all the facts as it is unlikely he will read the book himself.
  • Drawing connections between the E-book and the investigative findings helps support the validity of the results. E.g. connecting how “76% of employees would like to see more initiatives from their employer” to the survey findings about initiatives.
• Conclusion:
  • Building on the conclusion with a more extensive summary of the report’s findings on workplace mental health will aid in bolstering the report.
  • Clarifying what “deep-rooted issues came to light” will help eliminate any confusion.
  • The suggested recommendations to implement mental health initiatives were excellent and well suited to the report’s findings.
• Works Cited:
  • Appropriately cited sources.

Organisation:

• The report is well organised and easy to read, with no big chunks of text.
• Including subheadings for each survey question in the data section will help the reader.

Style and Grammar:

• The report uses a good “You-Attitude”. However, in the recommendations section emphasising the benefit to British Columbians will aid the report to be more persuasive. Example: Original: “Encourage time off and “mental health” days”. Revised: “Encourage British Columbians to time off and “mental health” days”.
• An appropriate tone is used throughout the report.
• The majority of the report is grammar free. However, changing some wording may be beneficial as there are several instances where the word choice seems awkward, Examples:
  • In the Introduction:
    • Original: “Seemingly overnight, it was difficult to distinguish work life from home life…”. Revised: “The pandemic meant that it was difficult to distinguish work life from home life…”
    • Original: “Recognizing the importance of human interaction and connectivity is vital to an organization’s success and to prevent feelings of burnout.” Revised: “Recognizing the importance of human interaction and connection is vital to an organization’s success and to prevent feelings of burnout.”
    • Original: “My goal is to evaluate the impacts of an employee’s mental health after the impact of the pandemic…”. Revised: “My goal is to evaluate the repercussions of the pandemic on an employee’s mental health.”
    • Original: “The primary data sources for this formal report will be achieved by conducting personal interviews with employees in various industries…”. Revised: “The primary data was collected by conducting interviews with employees in various industries…”.
  • In Data Collected:
    • Original: “During this study, Millennials are defined at age 18-32 and Gen Xers’ as 33-46 years old. Revised: ‘The study defines Millennials as ages 18-32 and Gen Xers’ as 33-46 years old”.
    • Original: “This suggests two hours of exercise alone per week and majority of respondents do not have the luxury….” Revised: “The data recommends at least two hours of exercise per week. However, most respondents do not have the luxury…”.
    • Original: “Ten out of 25 respondents are complacent with the programs currently offered…”. Revised: “Ten out of twenty-five respondents are satisfied with the programs currently offered…”.
• Being consistent with numerals will make the report more grammatically correct. Example: Original: “Four out of 25 respondents are complacent…” Revised: “Four out of Twenty-Five respondents….”
• Changing the beginning of some of the paragraphs in the Data Collected section will make the paper seem less repetitive. Example: “In this question” could be changed to “The respondents were asked” or “The survey showed”.

Design:

• Redoing the graphics so they are clearer and easier to read and labelling the visuals with more descriptive captions will aid the reader in understanding the report’s findings.
• The majority of the report is visually appealing and reader-friendly.

Conclusion:

I think the report is an impressive first draft that makes excellent headway in advocating for mental health initiatives. I do not doubt that by following these suggestions, we can make a convincing report that will encourage the health minister to implement some changes:

• Removing the intended audience section
• Expanding on the evidence section
• Adding more of a summary to the conclusion
• Altering the graphics
• Changing some words and phrasings.

I thoroughly enjoyed the report and look forward to reading the final version, which I know will greatly benefit workers in British Columbia. Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions or concerns.

Enclosure: Formal Report – Juanita