To: Matilda Murray
From: Danae Echeverria
Date: July 27, 2022
Subject: Peer review of the Formal Report draft: A Casual Analysis and Feasibility Report on Attracting Customers to The Kings Arms
Thank you for submitting the Formal Report draft. The document, “A Casual Analysis and Feasibility Report on Attracting Customers to The Kings Arms,” is well-organized and clearly expressed. Below are suggestions and recommendations that will help improve the draft in the revision process:
First Impressions
• Writing is clear and concise throughout the report.
• Data section contains both qualitative and quantitative information that is relevant to the focus of the document
• Comparing data from The Kings Arm with other local pubs is effective and proves useful for understanding the problem and potential solutions.
• Data section is incomplete; the two visuals required for the draft are included—although the second visual breaks off on page 5.
• The report is well-summarized in a list and concluded through valid and reasonable recommendations, showing that a thorough investigation was accomplished.
Introduction
- Includes an informative background about the London pub, The Kings Arms, for the reader to understand its operating site and what purpose it serves to its customers.
- The “Background” section is clear and concise; however, it is written in a “list-like” and fragmented format:
- For example, the first two sentences of the “Background” both begin with “The Kings Arms is a pub…” This could become less repetitive by constructing this section with varied language and a more logical structure or combining the information to fit into one sentence.
- Making the headings more specific can further help indicate to the reader what the succeeding section is about.
- For example, changing “Background” to “Overview of The Kings Arm” and “Methods” to “Methods of Inquiry and Research”.
- Overall, the “Methods” section is well-versed but describing the relevance of customers’ smoking habits mentioned will give the reader a better idea of the survey’s purpose.
- The “Introduction” section ends abruptly; expanding the “Scope” section with an explanation of the totality of the report’s outputs and benefits as well as the limitations of the investigation.
Data Section
- This section is informative and includes a good mixture of quantitative and qualitative research. Well done.
- Providing a statement sentence or paragraph before Figure 1 and Figure 2 would help prepare the reader on how to approach each graph:
- For example, the description of the bouncer’s occupancy count written in Figure 1 could be used as an introduction to the graph rather than as a subsequent explanation. This is particularly well done in the “Interview Findings” and “Survey Findings” sections.
- Figure 2 is not visible—making sure to format data and visuals in a clear presentation will increase the visual effectiveness of the graphs.
- This includes ensuring the visuals use the same font as the rest of the document.
- Figures 1, 2, and 3 are described as “A graph showing[…]” or “A table showing[…]” but omitting the introductory phrases of these descriptions can improve clarity and conciseness.
- The “Interview Findings” section is clear and well-organized, although the “Survey Findings” could improve by providing more visuals for the data section to help further engage the reader with the statistics.
- Figure 3 is an effective display of the estimated costs of refurbishing The Kings Arms beer garden. Since the table is read from the top down, adding a title above the body of the table can finalize its presentation.
Conclusion
- Restating the financial issues that The Kings Arm is facing from a lack of customers before the list of findings will help refresh the reader on the purpose of the report.
- Ensuring to conclude the document with a statement about the importance of attracting customers will leave a stronger impression on the reader.
- The first recommendation is effectively communicated throughout the document and does not require further explanation; however, including more information and reasons for the second and third recommendations can motivate the reader to consider their importance as well.
Organization and Design
- Page numbers are included twice on each page; making sure to follow the proper format will improve the professionalism of the report.
- The document includes appropriate sections and subsections; bolding the subsections can make them stand out better on the page.
- Following the formatting conventions for research interview transcripts can help improve the structure of the “Interview Findings” section; this can be done by labeling the data with “Respondent: xxx” or “Employee: xxx” which can make the section appear more formal.
- Adding more visuals and applying font suggestions to the existing visuals will effectively convey the data collected. The description on the side of Figure 1 is useful but requires grammatical attention.
- Including a visual of the current “rundown” beer garden at The Kings Arm and pointing out its flaws will provide the reader with a better idea of how it can be refurbished.
Tone and Grammar
- Some sections are written with a sharp tone and odd pace; considering how the reader will interpret the section can help integrate a more positive tone in the document.
- For example, the “Feasibility Assessment” includes a solid summary of the significance of the data collected and how it proves the report’s feasibility; however, the sentence “Wadworth owns more than 150 pubs[…]” is sudden and the following sentences lack “You” attitude writing.
- This is also evident throughout the “Estimated Cost of Beer Garden Refurbishment” section.
- Avoiding the word “must” can help change the tone from a command to a suggestion.
- There are some grammatical and spacing errors throughout the document, but these errors are easily fixable by proofreading the report.
- For example, in Figure 1, the words “restrictions” and “lifted” lack space in between.
- The words “big” and “beautiful” are used to describe the enjoyability of the pubs’ beer gardens, but these words are quite colloquial. Changing the word choices to “sizeable” and “aesthetic” can improve the formality of the report.
- In the “Recommendations” section, changing the phrase “your customers” to “The Kings Arms customers” will help limit the use of pronouns.
- Adding commas to introductory clauses can let the reader know the main part of the sentence is about to begin:
- For example, in the “Feasibility Assessment” section, adding a comma after “when at optimum working capacity” will improve the quality of the sentence.
Summary
Overall, this Formal Report on attracting customers to The Kings Arms pub is an informative and persuasive document; the data collected was relevant throughout the investigation and reasonable recommendations are presented as achievable and realistic. The state of this report can be improved by:
- Expanding the “Scope” section with an explanation of the totality of the report’s outputs and benefits to clearly express the report’s main objectives.
- Maintaining a positive tone and ensuring the “You” writing attitude is consistently used to increase the persuasiveness of the report and assist in receiving a positive response.
- Ensuring all visuals are properly formatted and labeled with the same font as the document and adding more and fixing the existing descriptions to help the reader understand the graphs.
- Revising grammar and changing word choices to improve the formality of the report.
- Restating the financial issues caused by a lack of customers can help refresh the reader on the purpose of the report.
- Concluding the document with a statement about the importance of attracting customers.
If there are any questions or concerns about the suggestions above, please feel free to contact me at danaee6720@gmail.com. Best of luck in the revision process.
Enclosure: Matilda’s Formal Report Draft
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