As mentioned in my previous blog posts, I have spent the majority of my life living in the Philippines, and while I identify this place as my home, due to a majority of my family and friends residing here. However I must admit I have never actually felt completely at ease living here either.

This unease began when I was still in grade school where over the span of many years I moved to a variety of International schools where English was the primary language, and Filipino was hardly ever spoken. Over the years as my English improved, the grasp I had over my native tongue dissipated. While this was all well and good while I was in the safe English-speaking gates of my house and school, outside it I would be thrust into a world where I felt alienated, and truly foreign. Now whenever I am approached by someone who speaks to me in my own language constantly I feel like a deer in head lights. While I understand the majority of what they are saying, I fail to respond in a manner that is coherent or sometimes even appropriate. In this way, I feel like not only a foreigner in my own country, but a fraud as well.

Furthermore as the Philippines Is still a developing country with a high crime rate, going outside your home and walking from place to place isn’t as much of an option, even until today. Ever since I could remember I was told to never walk alone as I was risk at getting mugged or even kidnapped! This fear instilled into me at a very young age curbed my ability to explore my own country, or even speak to my fellow citizens, as I felt like I was constantly in danger.

Moving to Canada in 2012 only exacerbated this dichotomy I felt between home and alienation further as I experienced the clear differences between the two countries. While in the Philippines I felt confined to certain spaces, in Vancouver I felt liberated, able to walk and take a bus from one location to the next without fearing the people that surrounded me. Moreover I finally had the opportunity to speak with everyday people on the bus, skytrain, or even in stores, allwith the same coherence I could with my closest friends and family.

While this was enthralling at first, the perils of homesickness had eventually befallen upon me. I missed my family and my friends, as well as the memories and locations I had gotten used to for the past 18 years. While the language barrier was no longer a factor, there was definitely longing to be with the people I had grew up with for most of my life.

So unfortunately there has never been a time where I felt both truly comfortable wherever I reside. If I am in the Philippines, while  I do feel at home in certain places, outside of said places the language barrier and safety concerns force me to feel alienated. On the other hand, when I am in Vancouver I do get quite homesick, but that same sense of alienation when I am traversing the city is not as present due to the fact that I can speak to anyone I encounter with ease and complexity not present when I reside in the Philippines. Thus I feel as I have come at a catch-22, wherein I identify home as a place of both comfort and alienation, and where Vancouver is a place where I feel like I am not a

Overall I have come to the conclusion that I associate home not necessarily to a specific country, but instead to certain places that make me feel safe, comfortable, and confident in my ability to converse with people in the same way I do my family and closest friends. It’s cliché but the saying “home is where the heart is”, truly applies to my sense of home.