“Finals, Man…”

‘Twas the night before a final, and I was kinda freaking out, kinda wanting to go binge-watch Homeland.

You see, Carrie Mathison gets something about finals. She gets the attitude I have towards the profs that push me to this point:

If only I could call them. If only.

—

Basically, here’s how the pre-final experience goes:

10:30AM: wake up, and roll over.

10:31AM: nick nack paddy wack, give a dog a SOCIAL SECURITY CHEQUE BECAUSE THE DOG CAN’T AFFORD A BONE ANYMORE what

10:32AM: i’m gonna go na-nights again.

—

11:30AM: hello world.

11:31AM: it is raining and I don’t appreciate this.

11:32AM: I should probably eat.

11:33AM: I should probably study.

11:34AM: I should probably get a haircut and call my mom.

11:45AM: OH I’M SORRY WERE YOU EXPECTING PROGRESS? HAHAHAHAHA SO WAS I.

—

12:00PM: Do I have any bananas left?

12:02PM: I do not.

12:05PM: [search through friends list and see who would bring me a banana if I paid them in smiles and mediocre hugs]

12:05PM: I am also out of cookie butter and this is really, really tragic for everyone (read: me, myself, and I).

12:10PM: what’s [insert a type of affection] got to do with it?

—

12:11PM: Homeland.

12:13PM: buffering.

12:15PM: hi. still buffering.

12:17PM: I feel like I should’ve been offered some sort of valet parking service for the amount of buffering going on here.

12:19PM: WHY UBC INTERNET>asdfjkl;

12:25PM: I ate a whole Toblerone last night and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

12:35PM: I’ve watched a 1/4 of the episode and the rest is still buffering

12:40PM: Discover High School USA!

12:41PM: This show really isn’t that funny, but here I am.

12:51PM: Wow, the episodes are only ten minutes long.

1:01PM: It really doesn’t get any better.

1:05PM: guyz, Homeland (kind of) loaded

1:06PM: Is anyone else craving a loaded baked potato right now or is that just me?

1:07PM: It is just me.

—

1:58PM: I finished Homeland. I feel like, really productive.

2:05PM: I’m really hungry and I should probably go eat.

2:06PM: Do you ever just count the holes on your wall and wonder how they got there?

2:06PM and-a-half: Do you think they happened during finals season?

2:07PM: Do you think penguins get lonely?

2:30PM: acquire food.

2:32PM: inhale food.

2:33PM: food mini coma

2:35PM: should I get a happy planet?

2:36PM: WILL I BE HAPPIER ON THIS PLANET IF I-

2:36PM TTASTE WAS GOOD.

“Ate my dog, taste was good!”

2:38PM: Wow, I really should be getting more exercise.

2:40PM: What is exercise without the proper gear?

2:41PM: answer: an interpretative dance of the badly dressed

3:01PM: it is raining and I regret this decision. seriously.

3:45PM: I’m at Wreck Beach staring into the ocean.

3:47PM: [whispers into ocean] tell me the secret to my exam tomorrow

3:55PM: The ocean didn’t respond and I am feeling so attacked.

3:57PM: THERE IS A DOGE. IT IS RUNNING WITH ITS OWNER WOW.

4:15PM: I do hate stairs. I hate this.

4:29PM: SHOWER

5:00PM: I’m feeling sexy and free like glitter is raining of me.

5:14PM: DINNER

5:45PM: guyz, i called my mom finally.

6:03PM: I have arrived at the land of studies.

6:07PM: where do I sit.

6:10PM: seriously. where did all of these people come from????

6:20PM: I am back where I started and I need you all to know that this is not what I expected, I mean who are all these people, who do they think they are just paying tuition and using the library. NOT OKAY.

—

7:15PM: Oh, I didn’t see you there. Why, yes, I’ve been studying and not researching Lindsay Lohan’s most recent antics. (she’s recording with her sister Ali and Duran Duran.)

7:17PM: Based on these comments, people are not super pleased with Duran Duran for this move.

7:25PM: You are really interrupting me, and I was studying so nicely.

7:35PM: OH MY GAWSH. A FWRIEND? I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD ANY LEFT.

7:40PM: and then I was all NO WAY.

7:45PM: and then she was all YES WAY.

7:50PM: basically I wish we were brushing each other’s hair at this point. That would be comforting before finals.

—

8:30PM: I AM SO GOOD AT FLASH CARDS.

10:03PM: I want the record to show that some guy literally just asked me where the best place to poop was in Irving.

10:03PM and-a-half: is this a social experiment? am I being punk’d? Where is 2005 Ashton Kutcher?

10:04PM: he says he can’t make it to the fourth floor.

10:04PM and-a-half: he’s just going to “go for it.”

10:05PM: concluding statement to the conversation from him: “finals, man.”

—

10:07PM: oh no the end of the world as we know it

10:08PM: my phone is at 2%

10:09PM: WHAT EVER WILL I DO???????

10:11PM: welp, time to pack up. this was really solid.

10:16PM: you know, this studying thing is so good. I should do it more often.

but in all realness, let me just say: GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FINALS, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU GOT THIS AND I BELIEVE IN YOU SO MUCH. SERIOUSLY. LUV U BYE. xoxo

New York Realities

June 18th

It’s sometime past 6:30AM, and my sister wakes me with a soft knock on the dark wooden door.

Perhaps my reaction is a tad delayed in the fact that I am in fact going into New York city today, as I lie in bed for another five minutes or so, something I do when I’m at home and avoiding the moral call to get ready for work.

I shower with a bar of Aveda soap, and a travel-sized tube of St. Ives apricot scrub. It’s not until after I get out of the shower that I realize that I didn’t wash my armpits. The second round in the shower makes me confront my excitement for the day ahead.

I eat a bowl of multigrain cheerios in what is the immaculate kitchen of this Katonah, NY dream house. I’m a far cry from the still of Breakfast at Tiffany’s I have on my bedroom wall at home, but perhaps that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as I sip a coffee that seems a tad better than the one Miss Golightly holds.

We enter White Plains, NY and I’m greeted by the greatest mall in the area: Westchester Mall. It’s a Wednesday morning, and arriving upon opening brings me stares from the mall employees. I always hate the first customers of the day, too.

It’s a cornucopia of American stores: Gap, Banana Republic, American Eagle, American Apparel, Starbucks, Urban Outfitters. It’s like I’m home again.

Urban Outfitters ends up being my only place of success, which is something of a surprise to me, but perhaps my high-standards are somewhat lowered in the face of two-dollar Girls calendars and ten-dollar BDG hoodies.

In my two hours, I’ve tried on more clothes than I have in a whole year, across the mall. I never try things on, but in the spirit of killing time, I indulge myself.

I walk up to my sister’s hair salon, and arrive a tad early. I’m greeted by her colourist, who informs me that I must go to “The Village.” I nod my head like he has just told me the secret to happiness, but inside my head there’s not a whole lot going on. The only village I know of is this really try-hard section of Park Royal with a Whole Foods and a Tommy Bahama’s.

We drive into the city, and I try to capture moments of the George Washington bridge as we drive by it. Sadly, there’s a lot of dashboard in these shots.

Ultraviolence plays the whole way into the city, with “Brooklyn Baby” played on repeat a couple of times. I don’t think I’ll ever be this close to Brooklyn with the lyrics of Lana this fresh in my head.

The day seems like a dream.

We park somewhere in a garage somewhere down an avenue that is in the forties. I watch the silver Jeep go up a lift, before I enter the humidity and hostility that is the air of New York City.

If there’s something to be said about this city, it’s that it’s alive. There is life every single place you look, there are people every single place you look. I can’t stop looking around as we dart through the people, only stopping when the light is truly red. It’s lunch time now, and the line-ups for food trucks are as big as they seem on The Food Network. My mind is on so many things, except where our end point could be.

Stop. We’re going the wrong way.

Turn around, dart faster, faster.

Dang, I am never doing NYC with a triathlon runner again, I think.

She darts into a building about five minutes later, and I chase after her striped dress, the door almost hitting me on the way in.

We’re at a show. The show has just started, but they still give us tickets. We rush up flights of stairs to our seats. It all starts to hit me that this is all really happening, and I’m about to see Michael C. Hall, Toni Collette, and Marisa Tomei in about thirty seconds. My sister remembered me briefly mentioning it, and totally surprised me! The show, The Realistic Joneses, takes just over an hour, critiquing human socialization, with a dark comedic edge.

It was one of the coolest shows I’ve seen, mostly because I haven’t watched anything like it before.

We’re ushered down the opposite spiral staircase to the street, and I sheepishly sneak my way back in to find a ‘restroom’ as the American’s call it.

—

We wander through Times Square, and I’m greeted by what is the biggest H&M I have ever seen, and a Gap that had a lot of the same stuff that my store had at home (ah, corporations.)

—

By this time, we’re reminded that our last substance was a package of mini-biscotti-esque cookies, and a lukewarm bottle of water.

We head to an area called Hell’s Kitchen, and head into a place called Mercato, as recommended by her colourist. It’s all very hip, and cute, with some patrons fawning over the World Cup near the bar. I don’t really taste the food as I shovel it down, but perhaps the point of this meal is the presence of my sister’s smile across the table from me.

—

We head towards Greenwich Village, taking the Subway. It’s a far-cry from the Canada Line, as their turnstiles actually work. Getting off near NYU, we walk to the Village, which falls short of the shopping I was promised. I see various stalls with vendors, a Chipotle, and a schwack of piercing places on the same block. Although tempting to add to my body mods while I’m away, I decide to save a sweet sixteen-esque, impulse piercing for another day.

We head for SoHo, walking by cool stores like Rag & Bone, and Brooklyn Industries on the way. In SoHo, I’m greeted by familiar stores like Zara, and Converse. Dean & DeLuca catches my eye, and I’m reminded of that moment in The Devil Wears Prada where they name-drop D&D for their pricetag of almost $8 per strawberry.

—

We subway back to somewhere near the forty-something avenue where the Jeep is, as it’s starting to hit dusk, and we’re both tired.

It’s been quite the day for me, walking through this city of dreams and dashed stars. I get to play Lana in the dark, as my sister drives back up-state.

You’re crazy for me, croons Lana in the outro to “Cruel World,” and honestly that couldn’t sum up my feelings for this city more. I am crazy for it.

—

I say a quick goodnight to my sister, and brother-in-law, once we arrive, and hear the echo of my patter on the hardwood, as I walk to my room.

I shut the dark hardwood door softly and wince in pain for a moment, as I look down at my right foot.

A small blister has decided to emerge on my pinkie toe after the day’s events.

There it is: my crown.

Derrick Gravener: Honorary New Yorker, for a day.

Course Selection Season A.K.A Ultraviolence

Much like the beautiful and tragic new Lana Del Rey album, we are greeted by something also equally beautiful and tragic: Course Selection Season.

It’s the thing that keeps you up at night, wondering if you’ve been good enough all year to not get a schedule full of coal. You can’t sleep the night before. You hold your stuffed alligator or what have you close to you at night, and let out a childish wimper, as this is something even your respective parent can’t fix for you.

Here’s some tips for making it through it:

1. Food

Rule #1 to any conflict in my life always revolves around food.

For course selection, might I suggest a handful of trail mix, or some camomile tea. Let’s aim for something calming. We all know that your Sociology discussion is probably going to fill up about fifteen minutes before your scheduled registration time, and spilt tea is a lot easier to clean up then like a two-six of Dr. Pepper.

2. Multiple Worklists

I’m going to say it again for everyone’s benefit: MULTIPLE

Keep a sheet of what courses you really need. The key is to register as fast as possible. I’m not saying course selection is like a race, but I’m also not, not saying that. You feel me?

3. The Worklist May NOT Match Your Registered Courses

Remember that if you don’t get everything on your worklist, and you end up frantically adding something else, it will only pop-up on your “registered courses” and not your worklist.

Make sure you make a final worklist of your registered courses, as to save yourself some confusion in the future. Seriously, trust me. I’m freaked out too many times when I thought that two courses were overlapping in term two.

4. Advising is Always (ok, almost always) There for You

Call your faculty’s advising line, or shoot them an email if you run into something major.

If you don’t know who to go to, talk to your Enrolment Services Professional (ESP. They know what’s up, and who to holler at. (Shoutout to Cara Low for being an awesome ESP!!!)

5. Profs are USUALLY Pretty Cool

What I mean by this is they are like usually really approachable over e-mail or something. Sometimes not, sometimes they don’t email you back, but like this is one of those YOLO moments. Sometimes they even let you into their class even though it’s technically full. (Thanks, Dr. Oh!)

6. Waitlists Happen

Don’t be scared off by the waitlist! Go sign up for it if you REALLY want that course.

7. Check the SSC a BUNCH during first week

People drop out of a lot of courses during first week. If you STILL want that course, go check for it during first week. It could save a whole lot of paperwork for you and your faculty’s advising department!

8. Go Online (At Least) An Hour Before

See if any of your courses are already full, and shift your schedule around a little bit earlier. This will save you a ton of stress, hopefully.

—

And finally…

New York Dreams

Sunday

It’s 12:38AM, and I lie here listening to the sound of a party in the distance. The bass is somewhat absent in what is the neighbour’s son’s College graduation party. People’s taste in party music has always been fascinating to me. It’s weird being alone in the basement of an Upstate New York house, on a mattress. A few days previously I was stressing about my final Creative Writing 200 assignment, and the state of my personal life. I lie here knowing that the end of the summer term left me more alone than I had originally thought.

Loneliness is a fear I have. Why? Because most of the time I think too much, and before you know it, I wake up having a panic attack. Sometimes my dreams are not too kind to me, but we can’t blame them for telling me things that I am too afraid to admit to myself.

I thought this trip thousands of miles away from everything would be like a trip to rehab, to be perfectly honest. I expected to go to a place with no internet, just the company of a pool and the scorching sun. Perhaps rehab is a hyperbolic comparison, but who doesn’t like a good hyperbole?

My brain was making all kinds of situations up, probably to distract myself from the fact that this would be the first time I flew alone. My journey to the New York/Newark airport was memorable for sure, thanks to my connection in Chicago at the Orly Airport.

Chicago Sunrise

I had the pleasure of being on a red-eye out of Vancouver. I trapped myself next to the window and fell asleep after I found out that the $9.00 internet did not let me watch Netflix [sigh]. We landed at 5:00AM Chicago time, which is about 3:00AM Vancouver time. As groggy as I was, I managed to get myself through Customs, and on to the train which would take me to the terminal where my connecting flight was. Once there, I discovered that my 1.5 hour wait for my flight had become a 3.5 hour wait. I trudged to the Starbucks nearest to my gate and drowned myself in a caramel macchiato. No one at my gate seemed too happy due to the delay, so I decided to go sit with people flying to Denver. Sitting with people who weren’t mad at United Airlines really helped my psyche — that, and the caffeine I had just ingested.

I slept all but fifteen minutes of my flight from Chicago to Newark, and woke up feeling human again.

The sight of my mother in the arrivals terminal brought tears to my eyes. I think the only thing I really didn’t like about flying alone was not having a shoulder to sleep on during the flight.

I lie here, in this cool basement, surrounded by my family. Not directly surrounding me, but they lie only two floors above me. It’s comforting.

—

There are moments that have happened today that I will never be able to recreate:

-When the navigator steered my mom and I in the wrong direction and we ended up knee-deep in the Bronx, for instance. The entrance of the area so congested, and humid that there were men selling bottles of water to the people stuck in Saturday traffic.

-The look on my father’s face as I snuck up behind him, and yelled ‘SURPRISE!’ He had no idea I was coming out to see him for Father’s Day.

-Winding down the night with the company of my extended family surrounding me, as they laughed at how I held a pool cue.

All of that makes the fear that I had seem so unnecessary. Sure, there will be hours alone while I’m here, but everyone is only an iMessage or a Snapchat away.

I lie here alone, trying not to drift away in my thoughts of what could’ve been my past summer term. I’m trying to dream up what I want to do when we go into the city, instead. I still don’t know, there are so many options. Instead, I listen in again to the faint guitar in the distance, at the graduation party, and I realize that facing the loneliness is not as scary as I thought it would’ve been.

Can We Have a Sec?

yoyoyo,

welcome back to another introduction lacking all direction and purpose. it’s basically like a Nickleback single. thanks for reading. this is the part where I tell you where I’m going with this, but I don’t really know.

SO bingo-bango-bongo. here we are during second week of second term, and my life has resumed some form of normality again. I mean as much normality as possible after getting like somewhat close to feeling like kind of dyeing all of my hair like peacock blue, when i was super foggy, from the amount of congestion in my head last week. (translation: i wasnt thinking logically. Clearly periwinkle blue is a WAYYY better option.)

Random Thoughts on Life:

But, yeah, things are normal. Back to sleeping in my classes, not eating enough at peak times during the day, y’know basically back to true Hot Mess form. (woo shameless self-promotion)

Speaking of which, two of my fave TV shows are back on the tube/i can now watch them (il)legally online: SHAMELESS and GIRLS. (which were actually both kind of average, but like averagely okay, like hitting up The Honour Roll in the SUB.)

basically me when I saw all my non-Vancouverite friends after the holidays.

Me at all my new profs, and classmates.

This is the part where I get up on stage and I’m like “wow, it has been a great year, but a particularly great year in cinema.”

Basically the Golden Globes summed up. Then there was some solid J-Law action, and like Robin Wright was really on-point when she was basically like “you dont need to hear another list of random names, thank you to everyone, and you know who you are.”

So, I was basically thanked in an acceptance speech on Sunday night. So, you’re totes welcome Robin, I don’t know where you’d be without me, either.

Classes and Such

I’ve joined the ranks of the those taking five classes this term, and am now taking FIVE WHOLE COURSES.

Wow, cool. Sorry. Just had to say it twice because then it might actually sink in or something.

I’m taking really cool courses like:
-Journalism 100A
-Film Studies 100
-ASTU 100A (omg. literally the coolest. the mandatory curriculum is really sexy.)
-German 100
-Philosophy 101

No, but real talks, my courses seem really dope this term.

But, basically anything is better than the hell that was Music 128. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Please collect buckets of mouldy twinkies instead. That was that course summed up. A really sweet thing like music that was covered in mould. cry.

Also, I will be really typical and university student-esque for a sec and rant about the cost of books. wow. that was a lot. like ow. my wallet has a concussion now for like 8-12wks.

I also got totally scammed by this chick who sold me her used German book, and like avoided telling me that I wouldn’t have online access, which i NEED for the course. So thanks for screwing over a first-year. I really hope karma gets you bad and like someone spits on every single slice of your pizza from Mercante.

Clothes and that stuff

It’s January, and it’s dark at like 4PM every day, so I’ve just been wearing a lot of black. Except today I wore some navy. It was really ground-breaking.

Also, someone commented on my sweater today and I acted really nonchalant after the fact, but it was actually the best part of my evening.

Also, my skin hates me.

And I’ve been really lazy with the razor lately and have cut my face a bunch of times. yay so cute. i love bleeding for 5 minutes on end.

The End or something

So yeah, that’s where I’m at. Back being ~~on top of~~ some part of the world.

Basically I am living proof that the whole “New Year, New Me” slogan is total crap.

Let’s all raise a glass to that.

Happy(?) Holidays

Greetings, and welcome to back to The Wasteland.

Today, I will attempt to articulate more of the things that actually go on inside of my head.

So, cool, since like we’re all saying it and stuff, I’ll like give into peer pressure, and acknowledge the fact that I had to ~~throw away~~ recycle my 2013 page-a-day calendar.

This of course means that like the holidays are now officially over and that we are supposed to move on with our lives and start something new, and deal with the repercussions of the holiday season, which no one really acknowledges.

I mean, they’re supposed to be filled with joy and cheer and all that, but what if they’re not?

Well, folks, then you are proclaimed as a grinch, and everyone forever just writes you off for the season. But, like there are some serious happenings:

a. ca$hMoney$wag

Not gonna lie, I kinda spent the panettone amount of money, on my wonder bread budget. I mean, I was just really behind on my shopping after a certain point and things got out of hand.

Not like it’s serious, don’t worry y’all, it would just be nice to not have to go into the New Year being super frugal.

It’s cool. Walmart does have Mr. Noodles, though. And I hear those jazz sticks mix well with bologna. also side of ranch with that. hey girl.

b. Food

It’s the time of the year to “indulge” and “treat yourself.” Stuffing your face full of Stovetop is completely acceptable.

–Flash-forward some time and you’re now expected to work out every single day and become some new person, with some great new bawdy laik wow omg.

But, real talks, I have a box of Himalayan pink salt caramels that aren’t going to eat themselves.

c. Persona

You’re totally expected to be this new person, who is super optimistic and positive, after the holidays. With all these goals, and new healthy activities. And then if you don’t do them you’re like a failure or something. I don’t understand.

I mean, yes, it’s the first of January, but be your own person or something, and don’t let a calendar dictate to you which days you want to bring change into your life.

You’re not going to dramatically change overnight.

UNLESS:

– you buy a month’s supply of Proactiv. sponsored by Justin Bieber, Jessica Simpson, Adam Levine, or everyone else who doesn’t actually understand what severe acne is.

-Or, like cut off three and half fingers…

so transforms. much change.

d. Drama

So much family time is bound to end in some skeletons coming out of the closet, right?

Same goes with your friends too.

Let’s not forget about “holidayting” a person: only dating for the holidays, because of loneliness.

But, like on the bright side, who needs cable with all of the drama happening in your life? I mean cancel your Netflix too, and save yourself $8 a month, and go buy some bags of ice for all the burns your friends dealt out.

And, like that fancy grade popcorn, none of that microwavable stuff. You earned the bag of white cheddar stuff for all of the cheesy, romantic nonsense that discharged from the mouths’ of the “holidaters.”

the struggle is real…

—

So holla. The holidays are a weird time.

I’m just gonna go eat soup and take some selfies until school starts.

Day-Old Moonshine

Category Archives: 2014 hey what up