‘Twas the night before a final, and I was kinda freaking out, kinda wanting to go binge-watch Homeland.
You see, Carrie Mathison gets something about finals. She gets the attitude I have towards the profs that push me to this point:
If only I could call them. If only.
—
Basically, here’s how the pre-final experience goes:
10:30AM: wake up, and roll over.
10:31AM: nick nack paddy wack, give a dog a SOCIAL SECURITY CHEQUE BECAUSE THE DOG CAN’T AFFORD A BONE ANYMORE what
10:32AM: i’m gonna go na-nights again.
—
11:30AM: hello world.
11:31AM: it is raining and I don’t appreciate this.
11:32AM: I should probably eat.
11:33AM: I should probably study.
11:34AM: I should probably get a haircut and call my mom.
11:45AM: OH I’M SORRY WERE YOU EXPECTING PROGRESS? HAHAHAHAHA SO WAS I.
—
12:00PM: Do I have any bananas left?
12:02PM: I do not.
12:05PM: [search through friends list and see who would bring me a banana if I paid them in smiles and mediocre hugs]
12:05PM: I am also out of cookie butter and this is really, really tragic for everyone (read: me, myself, and I).
12:10PM: what’s [insert a type of affection] got to do with it?
—
12:11PM: Homeland.
12:13PM: buffering.
12:15PM: hi. still buffering.
12:17PM: I feel like I should’ve been offered some sort of valet parking service for the amount of buffering going on here.
12:19PM: WHY UBC INTERNET>asdfjkl;
12:25PM: I ate a whole Toblerone last night and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
12:35PM: I’ve watched a 1/4 of the episode and the rest is still buffering
12:40PM: Discover High School USA!
12:41PM: This show really isn’t that funny, but here I am.
12:51PM: Wow, the episodes are only ten minutes long.
1:01PM: It really doesn’t get any better.
1:05PM: guyz, Homeland (kind of) loaded
1:06PM: Is anyone else craving a loaded baked potato right now or is that just me?
1:07PM: It is just me.
—
1:58PM: I finished Homeland. I feel like, really productive.
2:05PM: I’m really hungry and I should probably go eat.
2:06PM: Do you ever just count the holes on your wall and wonder how they got there?
2:06PM and-a-half: Do you think they happened during finals season?
2:07PM: Do you think penguins get lonely?
2:30PM: acquire food.
2:32PM: inhale food.
2:33PM: food mini coma
2:35PM: should I get a happy planet?
2:36PM: WILL I BE HAPPIER ON THIS PLANET IF I-
2:36PM TTASTE WAS GOOD.
“Ate my dog, taste was good!”
2:38PM: Wow, I really should be getting more exercise.
2:40PM: What is exercise without the proper gear?
2:41PM: answer: an interpretative dance of the badly dressed
3:01PM: it is raining and I regret this decision. seriously.
3:45PM: I’m at Wreck Beach staring into the ocean.
3:47PM: [whispers into ocean] tell me the secret to my exam tomorrow
3:55PM: The ocean didn’t respond and I am feeling so attacked.
3:57PM: THERE IS A DOGE. IT IS RUNNING WITH ITS OWNER WOW.
4:15PM: I do hate stairs. I hate this.
4:29PM: SHOWER
5:00PM: I’m feeling sexy and free like glitter is raining of me.
5:14PM: DINNER
5:45PM: guyz, i called my mom finally.
6:03PM: I have arrived at the land of studies.
6:07PM: where do I sit.
6:10PM: seriously. where did all of these people come from????
6:20PM: I am back where I started and I need you all to know that this is not what I expected, I mean who are all these people, who do they think they are just paying tuition and using the library. NOT OKAY.
—
7:15PM: Oh, I didn’t see you there. Why, yes, I’ve been studying and not researching Lindsay Lohan’s most recent antics. (she’s recording with her sister Ali and Duran Duran.)
7:17PM: Based on these comments, people are not super pleased with Duran Duran for this move.
7:25PM: You are really interrupting me, and I was studying so nicely.
7:35PM: OH MY GAWSH. A FWRIEND? I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD ANY LEFT.
7:40PM: and then I was all NO WAY.
7:45PM: and then she was all YES WAY.
7:50PM: basically I wish we were brushing each other’s hair at this point. That would be comforting before finals.
—
8:30PM: I AM SO GOOD AT FLASH CARDS.
10:03PM: I want the record to show that some guy literally just asked me where the best place to poop was in Irving.
10:03PM and-a-half: is this a social experiment? am I being punk’d? Where is 2005 Ashton Kutcher?
10:04PM: he says he can’t make it to the fourth floor.
10:04PM and-a-half: he’s just going to “go for it.”
10:05PM: concluding statement to the conversation from him: “finals, man.”
—
10:07PM: oh no the end of the world as we know it
10:08PM: my phone is at 2%
10:09PM: WHAT EVER WILL I DO???????
10:11PM: welp, time to pack up. this was really solid.
10:16PM: you know, this studying thing is so good. I should do it more often.
but in all realness, let me just say: GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FINALS, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU GOT THIS AND I BELIEVE IN YOU SO MUCH. SERIOUSLY. LUV U BYE. xoxo
