Course Selection Season A.K.A Ultraviolence

Much like the beautiful and tragic new Lana Del Rey album, we are greeted by something also equally beautiful and tragic: Course Selection Season.

It’s the thing that keeps you up at night, wondering if you’ve been good enough all year to not get a schedule full of coal. You can’t sleep the night before. You hold your stuffed alligator or what have you close to you at night, and let out a childish wimper, as this is something even your respective parent can’t fix for you.

Here’s some tips for making it through it:

1. Food

Rule #1 to any conflict in my life always revolves around food.

For course selection, might I suggest a handful of trail mix, or some camomile tea. Let’s aim for something calming. We all know that your Sociology discussion is probably going to fill up about fifteen minutes before your scheduled registration time, and spilt tea is a lot easier to clean up then like a two-six of Dr. Pepper.

2. Multiple Worklists

I’m going to say it again for everyone’s benefit: MULTIPLE

Keep a sheet of what courses you really need. The key is to register as fast as possible. I’m not saying course selection is like a race, but I’m also not, not saying that. You feel me?

3. The Worklist May NOT Match Your Registered Courses

Remember that if you don’t get everything on your worklist, and you end up frantically adding something else, it will only pop-up on your “registered courses” and not your worklist.

Make sure you make a final worklist of your registered courses, as to save yourself some confusion in the future. Seriously, trust me. I’m freaked out too many times when I thought that two courses were overlapping in term two.

4. Advising is Always (ok, almost always) There for You

Call your faculty’s advising line, or shoot them an email if you run into something major.

If you don’t know who to go to, talk to your Enrolment Services Professional (ESP. They know what’s up, and who to holler at. (Shoutout to Cara Low for being an awesome ESP!!!)

5. Profs are USUALLY Pretty Cool

What I mean by this is they are like usually really approachable over e-mail or something. Sometimes not, sometimes they don’t email you back, but like this is one of those YOLO moments. Sometimes they even let you into their class even though it’s technically full. (Thanks, Dr. Oh!)

6. Waitlists Happen

Don’t be scared off by the waitlist! Go sign up for it if you REALLY want that course.

7. Check the SSC a BUNCH during first week

People drop out of a lot of courses during first week. If you STILL want that course, go check for it during first week. It could save a whole lot of paperwork for you and your faculty’s advising department!

8. Go Online (At Least) An Hour Before

See if any of your courses are already full, and shift your schedule around a little bit earlier. This will save you a ton of stress, hopefully.

—

And finally…

New York Dreams

Sunday

It’s 12:38AM, and I lie here listening to the sound of a party in the distance. The bass is somewhat absent in what is the neighbour’s son’s College graduation party. People’s taste in party music has always been fascinating to me. It’s weird being alone in the basement of an Upstate New York house, on a mattress. A few days previously I was stressing about my final Creative Writing 200 assignment, and the state of my personal life. I lie here knowing that the end of the summer term left me more alone than I had originally thought.

Loneliness is a fear I have. Why? Because most of the time I think too much, and before you know it, I wake up having a panic attack. Sometimes my dreams are not too kind to me, but we can’t blame them for telling me things that I am too afraid to admit to myself.

I thought this trip thousands of miles away from everything would be like a trip to rehab, to be perfectly honest. I expected to go to a place with no internet, just the company of a pool and the scorching sun. Perhaps rehab is a hyperbolic comparison, but who doesn’t like a good hyperbole?

My brain was making all kinds of situations up, probably to distract myself from the fact that this would be the first time I flew alone. My journey to the New York/Newark airport was memorable for sure, thanks to my connection in Chicago at the Orly Airport.

Chicago Sunrise

I had the pleasure of being on a red-eye out of Vancouver. I trapped myself next to the window and fell asleep after I found out that the $9.00 internet did not let me watch Netflix [sigh]. We landed at 5:00AM Chicago time, which is about 3:00AM Vancouver time. As groggy as I was, I managed to get myself through Customs, and on to the train which would take me to the terminal where my connecting flight was. Once there, I discovered that my 1.5 hour wait for my flight had become a 3.5 hour wait. I trudged to the Starbucks nearest to my gate and drowned myself in a caramel macchiato. No one at my gate seemed too happy due to the delay, so I decided to go sit with people flying to Denver. Sitting with people who weren’t mad at United Airlines really helped my psyche — that, and the caffeine I had just ingested.

I slept all but fifteen minutes of my flight from Chicago to Newark, and woke up feeling human again.

The sight of my mother in the arrivals terminal brought tears to my eyes. I think the only thing I really didn’t like about flying alone was not having a shoulder to sleep on during the flight.

I lie here, in this cool basement, surrounded by my family. Not directly surrounding me, but they lie only two floors above me. It’s comforting.

—

There are moments that have happened today that I will never be able to recreate:

-When the navigator steered my mom and I in the wrong direction and we ended up knee-deep in the Bronx, for instance. The entrance of the area so congested, and humid that there were men selling bottles of water to the people stuck in Saturday traffic.

-The look on my father’s face as I snuck up behind him, and yelled ‘SURPRISE!’ He had no idea I was coming out to see him for Father’s Day.

-Winding down the night with the company of my extended family surrounding me, as they laughed at how I held a pool cue.

All of that makes the fear that I had seem so unnecessary. Sure, there will be hours alone while I’m here, but everyone is only an iMessage or a Snapchat away.

I lie here alone, trying not to drift away in my thoughts of what could’ve been my past summer term. I’m trying to dream up what I want to do when we go into the city, instead. I still don’t know, there are so many options. Instead, I listen in again to the faint guitar in the distance, at the graduation party, and I realize that facing the loneliness is not as scary as I thought it would’ve been.

Learning

hallo.

welcome back to the possibility wasteland. holla.

—

whoa i finished first year.. ssssssssssshhhhoooooooooooooot

Seriously, that’s basically me… ^^

Transit + Other Drugs

It’s been a crazy year, yo. Like, I can still remember my first days on campus, being woken up on the bus by some other student. And like, now I can basically wake myself up on the bus. T A L E N T.

um. what else. i don’t recommend catching the 4 late at night. take the 99 because it comes more often, and then take the skytrain because the broadway-city hall station is really close to a Whole Foods open ’till 10PM and a Save-on-Foods open ’till 11PM. seriously, late night snacking ftw. ALSO MCDONALDS OPEN 24HRS there.

personal tip is try to get to school before like the huge rush (8:30-9AM??) cause then like you can get Starbz in the SUB or something without a grande line-up.

erm what else idk. learn to sleep on buses, but don’t fall asleep on other people because then people write things about students that aren’t very cooool.

<><><><>

Food

seriously i spent hella money on food this year and like pro-tip would be to bring it from home, or find someone that you kinda sorta look like and steal their meal plan, (pref. varsity plan) no srsly. kidding.

stealing is bad, tho.

but like there’s no such thing as a bad sandwich. (mhm. dont quote me on that. perhaps my sandwich game is just really stong.)

also:

-subway is mreh. dont go expecting anything amazing. they are not made with love.

-the salad bar is pretty overpriced.

-the deli knows what’s up

-the burger bar is pre sketch. like sometimes they don’t cook the chicken all the way. i saw it. the fries are aiight.

-bernoulli’s is what dreams are made of. cinnamon cream cheese on a chocochoco chip bagel. WORD.

-Vanier’s has rlly good pasta and like the wraps are good, albeit, overpriced. don’t be afraid to go and check it out, even if you’re a commuter or don’t even go to ubc. we know who you are.

-venturing into the village never killed anyone, and like that place down the stairs, by the McD’s has some really stellar options for cheap Chinese food after like 5PM.

<><><><>

Bookz

the bookstore hates you and does not have your best interests at heart.

might i suggest doing some research before hand and trying to buy it off a student a la UBC Textbooks for Sale – Facebook Group??

Maybe buy it off Amazon?

Maybe go to that place in the village that claims to be cheaper idk.

BUT LIKE MAYBE ALSO DO YOUR RESEARCH SO THAT YOU BUY THE RIGHT ONE IF U TAKE MEASURES INTO YOUR OWN HANDS.

AND THEN YOU WONT BE OUT 30$ BECAUSE SOME CHICK SCAMS YOU FOR HER GERMAN 100 BOOK WHICH IS ACTUALLY NOT EVEN GOOD FOR REALLY ANYTHING. (im not bitter at all.)

Sanity and Goals and Self-Worth

YEAAAAAAAAH idk.

All I can really say on this topic is try to prioritize, and time manage as best you can, and get all your assignments in on time.

Pro tip # deux is surround yourself with cool people who motivate you, and think you’re hot apple pie, because there are days when you will feel like you are leftover fruit loops in the box, outside the bag, that someone forgot about.

you cannot do this alone.

try to get involved, and get outside, and get a reasonable amount of sleep, and dont drink too much coffee.

i know i sound like a really concerned parent raining on a parade of college freedom, but seriously your mental health is gonna take a really bad turn if you go on some sort of no sleep, full-sugar bender.

self-worth: find something you love and hold on tight to it, because there is going to be so much other stuff flying at you during the year, you may lose sight of it. whatever happens, don’t forget to look down at what you decided to hold on to for yourself.

goals: pfft those are for second year. pFFFFFFFFT.
no seriously, set realistic goals, and be prepared to make sacrifices.

Concluding Statements:

first year was pretty rad for me, but i certainly had some tough times.

i’d like to thank my family, and my social circle for providing food, and emotion support. y’all are like a river rock and you catch me when i’ve gone down the creek a little too far.

title for this blog was inspired by this:

more to come on first year advice. i got some stories, yo.

shoutout to all the peeps who got admitted to ubc, and all the peeps that start summer courses this week (me, holla). it’s gonna be CRAAAAAAAY. RAISE THE ROOF. FLASH THE PEOPLE DOING CONSTRUCTI– ok never mind, that was a tangent. this isn’t freakin’ Spring Breakers.

k byeee~

Move to Trash

~Shoutout to Wreck Beach for keeping me sane~

This blog would not exist if I wasn’t honest with what’s happening, and what’s not happening.

This month has really been a trying time for me. Real talks.

I’ve attempted to put this whole month into a blog post, like four times, already, and I’ve just ended up clicking the ‘move to trash’ button.

That’s the thing. It’s really easy to throw everything away, but starting over is a daunting feat.

—

I did something recently. It was kind of an impulse decision, but I still did it. I quit my job.

It’s something that I’ve been doing for just over three years, and sadly it grew extremely banal for me recently. That, and to be honest, my academic progress is rather lacking, to put it lightly.

I’m not putting the time I should be into school work, because frankly I find most of the stuff we’re doing to be trivial.

-pause for a moment, as I hover over the ‘move to trash’ button, yet again-

Nope, nope. I’m still here.

—

Here’s the thing: I’m lost.

I’m feel really lost, right now. In all of this stuff. It’s like swimming in the middle of the ocean, and I don’t see any islands or ships, and all I taste is sea water, which I liked to begin with, but now I’m just dehydrated, and burnt out.

I’ve been dealing with this feeling for like the last two weeks, and it’s heavy. It’s not something I wish on anyone; to carry this burden around of not feeling like you’re in the correct place.

Like, you’re some sort of visitor to your own life, and you have to wear the ‘Visitor’ lanyard, which sticks out a lot, and everyone knows that you’re not a regular.

—

I had all these plans for next year. They all seemed so grand, and everything. I said, “I’m not going to get attached to them. I don’t want to get my hopes or anything.” But I totally did. I attached myself to them, because it seemed like an upgrade to be in a different place.

And, now in this place that I didn’t really plan for, and I feel like I’m a warden of the State or something.

—

Starting over is something I hate.

But, it’s exactly what I need to do right now to get myself out of what I’ve landed in.

Perhaps, in the coming week, I will not eat an ENTIRE jar of Nutella. (pause of LOLs…) I mean seriously, I was just MAOWing.

Maybe, I’ll actually do some real editing of the stuff I need to turn-in.

Possibly, I’ll stop staying in bed for an hour, after I wake up.

HAAAAAAAAA..

—

I will find myself somewhere in the mountain of clothes on my bed, in the spilled wax on my chest of drawers, in the empty mugs on my desk, in the old to-do list, in not noticing cars when I decide to go for a run, in every mediocre grade.

Something good will come of this.

You know why?

Because everyone loves a comeback story.

Phreshman Year

hey, so i totally disappeared for a month, and i apologize for that, but sometimes writing is not really what you think it should be and you have like loads of things that you’ve started blogging about that are just sitting in your draft folder that don’t actually turn into anything.

—

click. clack.

—

So, I’m going to be super narcissistic and write about my uni lyfe. cause it’s all happening. and it’s happening fast.

here are the things about phreshmen year that are making me tick. and tock:

Identity Crisis
—

I had a pile of clothes and hangers on the ground today, because like, i dont actually know what my style is anymore. I mean like things are preppy and then some things are punk and then some things are straight up leopard print. like, what is MEE-OW?

but, like stocking up on more black, grey, white, and navy is always a thing close to my heart.

and then im like WOW i should be more social. i should friend more people on facebook and take an active role in making a name for myself. why dont more people like my profile picture? i need to instagram more. i need more friends on snapchat so that i can snap them more selfies of me eating out of the nutella jar.

and, then my writing style is a constant identity crisis, because there is how i’m writing right now, super casual, and then there’s also like write-your-seven-page-paper writing and then i’m all “pinkies up, fishes, we must attempt to convey poise and class.”

and sometimes i feel like the colour ink i choose is indicative of my life or something, and like i lost my fave ever red pen during reading week last week and read too much into what the symbolism of that might be and like omg my life is falling apart.

//but then i realize that i can actually buy another one.

i’m just out $6 because kewl pens are rlly expensive, and life lesson: swag costs money, kids.

Classes in General
—

So, honestly box, I’m not a huge fan of really any of the courses I’m taking right now, except for German.

–which, like really sucks.

——- because i’m paying money for them

———- and paying money for things that you aren’t getting swag out of is like eating biscuits without gravy. you feel me? (side note: honey butter is also acceptable)

but seriously, fri3nds, real talks,

take courses you like. and don’t take a coordinated arts stream unless you absolutely know what you want to do with your life.

because I most certainly do not, and here I am like knee-deep in a creek of ice cold media jargon.

Dreams
—

what are those????

no, seriously, I walked by Toys ‘R Us last night on Broadway at like 10PM when they were closed and it looked really bleak and I was like: “dreams die in there…”

But, seriously my last year of high school was all:

WOW. D R E A M

And this year has just been like:

Profs, tho.

So cheers, to the broke student life, and being realistic, and for getting shut down by profs. WINNNNNNING.

..tears

Food
—

I will never shut up about food, because seriously i can’t figure out how to do the thing most of the time.

I mean do i buy a whole pizza at mercante????? go to vanier caf? go to triple o’s? cry about the knorrs sidekick that is the pasta dish at Ike’s? rant about the sad selection of muffins at stir it up/ buy every candy imaginable there? go to the sub and survey every place ever just to decide that what I REAAALLY want is Tim Horton’s?

like,

what do>>>>????

Time Management
—

Let’s talk about that later.

—

seriously,

if i don’t plan most everything i basically fall apart and just end up napping the whole day or just marathon-ing Girls or something

Tangents
—

Full disclosure, I had to go to Tumblr to find that, and then I forgot my password, because I’m usually on my phone when i go on tumblr, and then i had to go check my Gmail, and then there were a bunch of other emails like the fact that Ingrid Michaelson is coming to down again, and is going to venue, and yet again, i will not be 19. and then i just pouted for a sec.

and then i went on youtube, because they also emailed me.

and then i forgot what i was doing.

and then i sort of reflected on the Oscars tonight and I still can’t decide how I feel about them…

DOES THIS EVER HAPPEN TO YOU?

DO YOU EVER JUST DROWN ON THE INTERNET IN WORDS AND GIFs and FEELS and PEOPLE.

UGH.

—

But, honestly, this is a cool time. and a not cool time. but mostly cool.

and i gotta just remember that.

—

let’s all raise a Starbucks and clink paper cups.

[clinks]

Can We Have a Sec?

yoyoyo,

welcome back to another introduction lacking all direction and purpose. it’s basically like a Nickleback single. thanks for reading. this is the part where I tell you where I’m going with this, but I don’t really know.

SO bingo-bango-bongo. here we are during second week of second term, and my life has resumed some form of normality again. I mean as much normality as possible after getting like somewhat close to feeling like kind of dyeing all of my hair like peacock blue, when i was super foggy, from the amount of congestion in my head last week. (translation: i wasnt thinking logically. Clearly periwinkle blue is a WAYYY better option.)

Random Thoughts on Life:

But, yeah, things are normal. Back to sleeping in my classes, not eating enough at peak times during the day, y’know basically back to true Hot Mess form. (woo shameless self-promotion)

Speaking of which, two of my fave TV shows are back on the tube/i can now watch them (il)legally online: SHAMELESS and GIRLS. (which were actually both kind of average, but like averagely okay, like hitting up The Honour Roll in the SUB.)

basically me when I saw all my non-Vancouverite friends after the holidays.

Me at all my new profs, and classmates.

This is the part where I get up on stage and I’m like “wow, it has been a great year, but a particularly great year in cinema.”

Basically the Golden Globes summed up. Then there was some solid J-Law action, and like Robin Wright was really on-point when she was basically like “you dont need to hear another list of random names, thank you to everyone, and you know who you are.”

So, I was basically thanked in an acceptance speech on Sunday night. So, you’re totes welcome Robin, I don’t know where you’d be without me, either.

Classes and Such

I’ve joined the ranks of the those taking five classes this term, and am now taking FIVE WHOLE COURSES.

Wow, cool. Sorry. Just had to say it twice because then it might actually sink in or something.

I’m taking really cool courses like:
-Journalism 100A
-Film Studies 100
-ASTU 100A (omg. literally the coolest. the mandatory curriculum is really sexy.)
-German 100
-Philosophy 101

No, but real talks, my courses seem really dope this term.

But, basically anything is better than the hell that was Music 128. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Please collect buckets of mouldy twinkies instead. That was that course summed up. A really sweet thing like music that was covered in mould. cry.

Also, I will be really typical and university student-esque for a sec and rant about the cost of books. wow. that was a lot. like ow. my wallet has a concussion now for like 8-12wks.

I also got totally scammed by this chick who sold me her used German book, and like avoided telling me that I wouldn’t have online access, which i NEED for the course. So thanks for screwing over a first-year. I really hope karma gets you bad and like someone spits on every single slice of your pizza from Mercante.

Clothes and that stuff

It’s January, and it’s dark at like 4PM every day, so I’ve just been wearing a lot of black. Except today I wore some navy. It was really ground-breaking.

Also, someone commented on my sweater today and I acted really nonchalant after the fact, but it was actually the best part of my evening.

Also, my skin hates me.

And I’ve been really lazy with the razor lately and have cut my face a bunch of times. yay so cute. i love bleeding for 5 minutes on end.

The End or something

So yeah, that’s where I’m at. Back being ~~on top of~~ some part of the world.

Basically I am living proof that the whole “New Year, New Me” slogan is total crap.

Let’s all raise a glass to that.

Happy(?) Holidays

Greetings, and welcome to back to The Wasteland.

Today, I will attempt to articulate more of the things that actually go on inside of my head.

So, cool, since like we’re all saying it and stuff, I’ll like give into peer pressure, and acknowledge the fact that I had to ~~throw away~~ recycle my 2013 page-a-day calendar.

This of course means that like the holidays are now officially over and that we are supposed to move on with our lives and start something new, and deal with the repercussions of the holiday season, which no one really acknowledges.

I mean, they’re supposed to be filled with joy and cheer and all that, but what if they’re not?

Well, folks, then you are proclaimed as a grinch, and everyone forever just writes you off for the season. But, like there are some serious happenings:

a. ca$hMoney$wag

Not gonna lie, I kinda spent the panettone amount of money, on my wonder bread budget. I mean, I was just really behind on my shopping after a certain point and things got out of hand.

Not like it’s serious, don’t worry y’all, it would just be nice to not have to go into the New Year being super frugal.

It’s cool. Walmart does have Mr. Noodles, though. And I hear those jazz sticks mix well with bologna. also side of ranch with that. hey girl.

b. Food

It’s the time of the year to “indulge” and “treat yourself.” Stuffing your face full of Stovetop is completely acceptable.

–Flash-forward some time and you’re now expected to work out every single day and become some new person, with some great new bawdy laik wow omg.

But, real talks, I have a box of Himalayan pink salt caramels that aren’t going to eat themselves.

c. Persona

You’re totally expected to be this new person, who is super optimistic and positive, after the holidays. With all these goals, and new healthy activities. And then if you don’t do them you’re like a failure or something. I don’t understand.

I mean, yes, it’s the first of January, but be your own person or something, and don’t let a calendar dictate to you which days you want to bring change into your life.

You’re not going to dramatically change overnight.

UNLESS:

– you buy a month’s supply of Proactiv. sponsored by Justin Bieber, Jessica Simpson, Adam Levine, or everyone else who doesn’t actually understand what severe acne is.

-Or, like cut off three and half fingers…

so transforms. much change.

d. Drama

So much family time is bound to end in some skeletons coming out of the closet, right?

Same goes with your friends too.

Let’s not forget about “holidayting” a person: only dating for the holidays, because of loneliness.

But, like on the bright side, who needs cable with all of the drama happening in your life? I mean cancel your Netflix too, and save yourself $8 a month, and go buy some bags of ice for all the burns your friends dealt out.

And, like that fancy grade popcorn, none of that microwavable stuff. You earned the bag of white cheddar stuff for all of the cheesy, romantic nonsense that discharged from the mouths’ of the “holidaters.”

the struggle is real…

—

So holla. The holidays are a weird time.

I’m just gonna go eat soup and take some selfies until school starts.

How to Be a Hot Mess…

Hello, and welcome back to the Possibility Wasteland.

I am not dead, contrary to popular belief.

I was just busy being a really disorganized university student trying to manage: my work schedule, my social life, my final projects, my sanity, my food intake, and my dryer’s amount of lint discharge. Y’know, trying to make the basics, seem not so basic.

Did I succeed? Well, more or less. I mean, I made it through term one, and didn’t get Mad Cow Disease. I did, however, end up getting bronchitis about two weeks before the end of term, which was really fun times. [laughs to keep from crying]

It was all in the name of being a hot mess, though, which turns out to be what I succeeded in.

How did I do that, you ask?

Well, you too, can achieve “hot mess” status by doing these things:

1. Don’t start any of your papers until the night before they are due! Bonus points if you don’t start it until 2AM, on the morning that it’s due. The extra stress, combined with your lack of consciousness for spelling and grammar errors is sure to get you the highest mark in the class, and probably a spot on the Dean’s List.

2. Break up your meal schedule. It’s a really great idea to have breakfast at 6AM, followed by lunch at 3PM. This ensures optimum clarity in all of your classes. I mean, whoever brings water, or energy bars, to class is clearly doing something wrong. Up the ante by disregarding dinner on the night before your term paper is due (which is obviously haven’t started) and by having a three-part nervous breakdown between the bulk-food section at save-on-foods (I was talking to the bin of dino sours), your bathroom floor (after throwing your phone across the room), and your kitchen floor (after you receive text messages that you will read too much into). Of course, a heavy penne dinner at 10:30PM will solve all problems, and not sit in your stomach for hours on end, or anything.

3. Pull an unhealthy amount of all-nighters, in combination with a semi-full time work schedule. Please make sure to pull an all-nighter during take-home exams, and then say YES to overnight shifts at work. Because sleep is for keeners who actually get As in their classes. I mean who needs a relatively above-average GPA. Pssshh. Those are so overrated.

4. Catch up on your sleep during lecture! I mean, if you’re actually putting your notebook on the lap desk, and not your head, you’re doing something wrong. Bonus points if you fall asleep in the front row in your class of only 25. This will ensure that your prof will appreciate your iconic sleep-swaying all the more! (shout-out to Dr. Mauro. happy holidays. xo) Of course, you’re only hardcore if you’ve fallen asleep in every single class, AT LEAST ONCE.

5. Always show up 5-15mins late with Starbucks. This really screams that you care about the class enough to show up on time. Profs will really value your presence.

6. Don’t even budget. LAWL spending like crazy is a really great idea, and like the fact that you might have to dip into tuition to pay off your credit card bill, is totally fine, and won’t cause you panic attacks. I mean only Greece has to budget.

7. Always keep what’s in your mind ’till later. I mean that point that you had regarding neoliberalism will truly be as valuable during dinnertime discourse, as it would have been in your sociology 100A class, right? It will totally earn you participation marks. Bonus points if this carries over to your social life, and you end up exploding at people a month after the actual issue. Yes, very smart, poised, and sexy.

8. Obsess over small things. You see that zit on your forehead that you wanna pop like a molly at a rave? Yes, you should pick at it until it bleeds like Gatsby’s heart. Then you should loathe your own existence for not having any self-control over things like that. Yes, that is very healthy. Also, obsessing over what anchor iPhone case you will get off Etsy should be a really deep source of stress in your life, or you are clearly doing something wrong.

9. Dwell in the past. I mean living in the now is so cliché. Who does that? You should always live in your mistakes, and your short-comings, and failed voyages. That will really get you where you aspire to be, and truly make you seem present in social situations with people who might be there to change your life or something, idk.

10. Own the title. You clearly earned “hot mess” status all by yourself, why not brag about what a massive screw-up you are all the time? Yes, this will earn you respect in the company of your peers.

So, there you have it. And, if you follow these steps, you will indeed become just like be! (Bronchitis not included)

[disclaimer: please don’t do any of this, I seriously warn you. Bad things will happen. Your overall well-being is at stake, and this was only written in an attempt to evoke change. xo]

MILKIN’ IT. #RIPPLEEFFECTUBC

So, I actually got myself out on campus today to see a ripple effect lab!

It did not involve birds.
It did not involve planes. (cry)

IT
INVOLVED
COWS.

And, not just any cows, DAIRY COWS.

So, like, I drink milk, eat yoghurt, dream of ice cream, steam some cheese, dollop the sour cream, delight in fro-yo, cry happy tears into bowls of whipped cream. Yeah, I’m basically a milk addict. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO guyz, it’s no shock that I would jump at the chance to go learn more about where all of this stuff comes from.

Today I was greeted by the lovely faces of a dairy cow, PEARL, and a three-week-old calf, SAM. Both obviously had that celebrity cow charm, but it was Sam who took the cake, like the EYES on that kid. Basically, a future Island Farms model.

HEY, SAM!

He was potentially the most endearing thing on campus that I saw all day. He isn’t even old enough to know when he’s full or not, so he just spent the majority of the time after his feeding looking for things to suck on, after the bottle was gone. I don’t think I’ve “aweh-ed” out loud that much, ever.
Don’t tell anyone I have a sensitive side.
This can’t get out.

ANYWAY, He’s supposed to grow up to be about 1600-1800 pounds. I mean. DANG BOII.
Not only is he going to be buff and handsome, he also showed tremendous talent, walking at the age of only 2 hours!

Artsy shot of the feeding. #SamLyfe

[pause for reflection of what I was probably doing at the age of two hours…]

His veteran partner, Pearl, though, has quite the story, too.

PEARL, in the background, plus milking machine, plus milker/presenter extraordinaire…

She currently lives in Cloverdale, BC, and enjoys semi-long walks around the farm.
She needs to be milked about two, to three, times a day, or else.
She produces up to about 2240 jugs of milk, in the 10 month lactating cycle. (So, like all of the ice cream I eat?)
She got a tongue, that is 12 inches long. GURLLLLL. You, go.
She needs to chill out for an hour, after being milked, and not lie down, or ELSE her teats will be at risk for disease. (Gosh, it is hard being famous. I feel her pain.)
She enjoys a mixture of corn, grass, alfalfa, hay, and different ground grains for her meals.
She drinks about 120 litres of water, per day.
Each teat has its own compartment, which is why each one needs to be milked.
And, finally, her milk won’t leave the province, because it’s BC milk, and it’s meant to stay here.
BECAUSE
Canada does not export its milk, outside of the country.

For me, this was an awesome Ripple Effect lab, because I got to learn more about how much dairy, one cow actually produces. It also reaffirmed my belief that more meals can be made out of a dairy cow’s resources than simply a cow meant for meat. And, hey, that’s pretty sustainable.

So, with #RippleEffectUBC coming to a close tomorrow, I know I will leave with a more enlightened perspective on how I can fit more sustainability into my everyday life, as well as plan for a future, with even more lifestyle changes.

But, for now, I’ll just stick to eating ice cream out of the carton.

That Time I Put Chips in a Girl’s Hair.

hello, and welcome back to another episode of my random life. today, we will be flashing back to various enigmatic fragments of my childhood that shaped me into the mysterious human being that I am today.

But,

Maybe I’m not even human?

Maybe I’m not even mysterious? (Certain people from Chicago would agree…)

Maybe it’s not even today?

[pause for philosophical reflection// to go eat brownies out of the pan with(out) a fork.]

So, most people are really cool cats and they have their rebellious stage in like the early years of high school etc.

but, like I am clearly cooler, so I had to have it in grades 1-3.

If I remember correctly, my whole rebellion began when someone wrote “Derrick likes girls” on the board, in grade one.

Look at me, hanging with the ones with cooties. I was basically the Miley Cyrus of my grade. But, my popularity was once eclipsed by this other boy who got one earlobe pierced. Plot twist: he had two earlobes on one ear, too.

Like, HOW DO I COMPETE WITH THAT?

Answer: ~~Petty~~ HARDCORE Theft.

GUMMY BEARS.

So, yeah, I would just go into our classroom at lunch/recess, because the teacher left the door unlocked (what a rookie), and go into the unlocked drawer of her filing cabinet (seriously, she was too trusting), and take handfuls of gummy bears for my friends and I.

Needless to say, this made me popular again.

Eventually, my teacher figured out that someone was doing it, and actually locked the door at lunch. YAWN.

But, I was never caught.

(Mrs. Tressider, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry if this caused you any emotional turmoil, and will buy you a tub of gummy bears. Heck, maybe two since you read my blog. Ok, seriously, three, because like if you were actually reading this that would be hella creepy, and creepers like you deserve some serious props. Keep doing what ‘chu do, gurl.)

That was grade one summed up, save the occasional bartering with my teacher regarding what reading level I thought I was, versus what she thought I was.

—

By grade two, I had gained a status as an ally with the girls, and was occasionally put in as mediator, when two girls argued who killed the spider, which had evidently caused the rain.

I had also grown an overactive imagination, on account of the sleep I did not really get. I imagined that, at night, my parents got in their car, and turned into monsters, and went around eating people.

Yep.

Of course, they returned back to normal, in the morning.

My peak though was putting chips in this girl’s hair, whom I was like really crushing on. (HEY KIMBERLEY, IF YOU’RE READING THIS.) (side note: she also goes to UBC now! small world, yo.)

So obvi I had to figure out a way to get her attention.

Which meant chasing her halfway around school to put crunched up salt ‘n’ vinegar chips in her hair.

It was some of my finest work.
Critics were raving about it.
Supervision Aids were overly concerned about it.
Hair was lost over it.
Tears were shed.

Needless to say she wasn’t into me, even after I had poured my metaphorical heart (of chips) all over her. WHY COULDN’T SHE SEE? (I’m really good at giving/receiving signals regarding affection for someone, LAWLZ, not.)

So, I moved on, to this other girl, who liked TY stuffies, like me, and also had a slight obsession with the Lindsay Lohan version of Freaky Friday.

A majestic playdate ensued, and we ended up watching Freaky Friday together, and we both fangirled over the fact that she had a DVD player. (I came from a VHS family, guys. The struggle was real.)

I drew a portrait of her and I on the cover of my “Student of the Week” planner, when it was finally my week. Turns out that book is full of lies, because I forgot which hospital I was actually born in, so I just said Children’s hospital to fit in with the people that were emerging as popular.

—

Grade Three was basically me being super angst-y, and taking it out on my handwriting notebook. This is probably why my handwriting is really ugly, to this day, and like why I can’t really take notes in a class, because I usually can’t read them after.

The key display of my angst was around remembrance day 2003 (THROWBACK GUYZ), when this kid and his mom brought in these patches and medal things (that were his grandfather’s) for show-and-tell.

We were expected to pass them around and gawk at how amazing they were, but I was so unimpressed, so instead of getting up to pass the patch around the room, I threw it. Now, it was a patch, so it went like less than a foot, but it still hit the ground. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN.

And my teacher was all, YOU GET A YELLOW CARD.

and I was all, STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU. I’m the one that got hit by the bus.

but real talks, His mom probably still hates me..

Whatevs. She needed a haircut.

—

I was basically your model child.

Oh, btws, I also host children’s birthday parties. Call me?