My first two weeks at UBC have been less than stellar — and yeah, that probably sounds harsh, but last week at the Blog Squad social, I informed the rest of the cohort that I’d like to become more concise… so here I am, cutting straight to the chase. I feel like I’m struggling with every possible aspect of university life. The difference between my highest and lowest marks so far is 58%, which is absolutely terrifying*. I’ve made a few new friends, but I can’t say they all know much about me beyond my face, name and faculty. I know where all my classes are, but I still can’t find the SUB on my first try. I can’t stop buying crappy pizza despite telling myself time after time that I’ll only regret it (and I do. So much).

I mean, on the whole, this is an incredible experience. I know that by the end of the term, I’ll know way more about biology, chemistry, math, physics and English than I ever thought I would. I know that I’m in an amazing position. I have friends who didn’t make the cut and I’m incredibly thankful that I’m here. But I can’t help but feel like I’m either missing something or doing this university thing wrong.

There have been good moments, obviously. Last week, a pre-school classmate I hadn’t seen since grade eight shouted my name in a crowded hallway and we had a brief chat. On Friday, I stopped by the SUB’s famous poster sale and picked up a monochrome map of the world and a Captain America silhouette (slightly disappointed at the lack of Chris Evans’s face in it, but y’know. Whatever). Yesterday, I redecorated my half of the dorm room, and everybody who’s stopped by has said good things about my two-hour wall tape job. And today, I headed back to Totem Park via a slightly different route than usual and survived, which is more than I can say for the lunch I’d left in my backpack.

Those all feel like the little things, though, anyway, and while I’d like to care more about them, their help is minimal when it comes to the crazy readjustment that is living alone — or at least, living without parents. It’s funny how much of a downer it is to realize I have a whole day’s worth of dishes to do by myself. I actually cannot believe the amount of work I’m doing every night between homework, chores and trying to have some semblance of a social life. I’m failing at the last one, apparently, and I can’t help but feel like that’s what I’m missing, though at the same time I haven’t been getting my homework done too well so maybe it’s that. Who knows? Everything here is confusing and every interaction, every assignment, every dining hall entrée even feels like I’m taking shots in the dark, and when aunts and uncles and grandma ask how I am… well, that’s one heck of a loaded question, isn’t it?

I’m sure it gets better, I mean. I almost definitely raining on everybody’s parade, now, so here. Take this song. It’s sort of keeping me alive as I (ironically) continue to procrastinate on my English summary and snack on chocolate I brought from home.

* and admittedly ever so slightly skewed thanks to bonus marks — don’t worry, mom.