034. “the madness I desire”

I’m currently struggling through my wanderlust. It’s tough, and it’s gnawing. Every October I suffer from a case of hard core restlessness. I definitely thought that moving away from suburban Ontario to laid-back West coast life would have satisfied my need to keep moving, to have some kind of adventure in my life. I started new projects here at UBC, got involved on- and off-campus, and made a great family of friends in residence. But somehow, it still wasn’t – isn’t? – enough. I’m constantly looking for new challenges, new adventures and I can’t seem to keep my thoughts and my dreams from racing all over my brain.

It makes concentrating on everything that’s going on in my life really hard because I’m constantly daydreaming of the places I want to see, the people I want to meet and the stories I can’t wait to hear and to tell. I’m always planning because I always feel unbalanced or unrooted, incredibly dissatisfied and in need of change. This year isn’t even over, but I’m already thinking of the next.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not living my life, that somehow being in university isn’t living. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that I have to go through certain experiences to be ready or to even have time for the next one, that I am living because I’m participating in every moment of my life. I’m trying to learn how to stay grounded in this moment, but keep an eye and my heart on the future.

What I need to do right now is not allow this restlessness, this wanderlust to prevent me from actually accomplishing what needs to be done right now, for me to be able to do what I want next week, next month, next summer, even next year. So right now, I need to be a better student, a better daughter, sister, friend, residence advisor…A me that’s completely satisfied in the moment, but never completely satisfied with complacency or mediocrity. My 30 challenge? Do better, live better, eat better, dress better, be better.