02/8/15

Put in Work: Love on Your Homies this Valentine’s Day

As the semester gathers speed and midterms make their unwelcome approach, it’s easy to get caught up in the whirl of things. I’m guilty of getting into my school routine and focusing on just one thing at a time in an attempt to get a handle on #unilyfe. And what often suffers is my relationships with others. Now that everyone I know doesn’t conveniently live in res with me, I’ve realized how much work maintaining a friendship is. Friendships are built on shared time, experiences and memories and trying to make time for all that AND a full course load plus whatever else you have going on can be difficult.

As Valentine’s Day rolls around, now is a particularly apt time to think about how much care you put into all your relationships, not just the romantic ones. How do you show your friends and fam you love them?

My top love language is quality time, so for me communicating with my brother means watching the same basketball game while we’re on the phone together.

Loving my sister means answering her many Instagram DMs about “should i wear this one?” “…or this one?”

With some friends, it means staying on the phone till 2AM even though we both gotta get up early. With others, it means keeping regular study dates.

I once read something (yeah, ok, it was on Tumblr) that said “after high school, you realize that you were only friends with some people because you saw them five times a week.” You no longer have automatic, pre-packaged friendships. Adulthood is work. And that includes working to maintain healthy, supportive relationships. Having a ride-or-die squad surrounding me is more important than any grade could ever be.

Today, Pastor Matt Menzel from Westside Church talked about how much our culture is focused on self – our needs, wants and desires. Instead of making the fourteenth about how much someone does or doesn’t love you, look outside of yourself for those who could stand to receive.

Errbody need love.

09/29/14

Pulling Your Insides Out

A couple weeks ago, something kinda scary happened to me.

I passed out twice while in the shower but thankfully I am a-ok. The most surprising thing about this whole incident was how mad my friends were that I didn’t tell them until a couple days later. Right after it happened I called my parents and the nurse hotline* to figure out what I should do. When the nurse advised me, after hearing about my symptoms to call 911, I said that seemed a little extreme; I was perfectly capable of walking to the hospital. She advised me against it, but I didn’t feel like paying for a 5-min cab ride, or getting on the bus when the hospital was less than 10 mins away. My friends later asked why I didn’t call them – they could’ve walked or drove me to the emerg. It actually did not occur to me. I’ve realized that I often operate as if I’m an island. I don’t tell people when I’m struggling and I don’t ask for help because I don’t want to be/appear weak / I don’t think I need help / I’m not very good at being vulnerable.

Case in point: this summer I went from working as a host to a server. Serving is all about multi-tasking and great timing. Like anything, it takes awhile to be good at it. The number one piece of advice I got from the experienced servers was “ask for help when you need it”. But I didn’t. And I saw the consequences one Friday night when the owner of the restaurant had to take a drink order for me because I never even saw that table since I was so busy running around trying to be superwoman.

I’m trying to be better. Logically, I know that asking for help doesn’t make you weak but I think I’ve always felt like I need to prove to myself that I can accomplish whatever I set out to do, by myself. I know from experience that that isn’t the best way to operate, but until recently I never thought about how that makes those around you feel. I love to help and so do other people. It honestly makes me so excited when one of my Imagine Day kids hits me up with a question. There are tons of people on this campus and in this world who want to help you with whatever you’re struggling with. (Like TA’s, God bless em.) My goal this year is to actually go to office hours, because I didn’t last year and I still regret it.

I think the root of my problem is an unwillingness to be vulnerable. To put my insides out there and let them speak for themselves. I’m not very good at feelings and sometimes I feel like I’m being dramatic or attention-seeking by telling people intimate details. But trust me when I say that not only are there people willing to help, but there are people willing to listen. Who will unflinchingly watch you unwrap yourself detail by detail; who will clothe themselves in your secrets and you in theirs; who won’t hang up when you call too late; who won’t accuse you of being dramatic when you unburden yourself.

Find em. Keep em.

*604-215-4700. Save that. They’re good if you’re ever unsure what to do in a non-emergency medical situation.

05/8/14

Looking Back

You don’t know who you are, until you know who you are when you’re alone.

This isn’t to say that you need to completely cut off your support network in order to “find yourself”. But it’s the little things about living away from home that have taught me so much about myself in this first year at UBC. Nothing made me feel more adult or more alone than having to buy cough medicine for myself. Standing in a drugstore aisle, trying to figure out the difference between Tylenol Cold and Tylenol Flu (there is none), I realized a few things.

1. Medication is expensive. Avoid getting colds like they’re the plague.

2. I’ve come to the point in my journey where no one is going to hold my hand anymore. As bad as I am at making decisions and as much as I love second, third and fourth opinions, there are some decisions that I have to make on my own.

This year has revealed some truths about my character, some of which I really didn’t want to know. Unless I’ve got a good incentive, I’m often five minutes late to anything and I hate it. I’m also not nearly as tidy as I thought (who knew my mom snuck in my room and tidied up while I was at school?) and apparently the obscene amount of time I take to get ready in the mornings is not normal. Living with a roommate exposes these things.

Roommates also bring out the weird in you.

My roommate and friend, C has taught me all kinds of lessons. Since we’re from different ethno-cultural backgrounds, we both get to learn about countries across the globe. Our different faculties but overlapping classes means we’ve had some pretty heated discussions over the term. She, along with the other friends I’ve made this year have taught me what deep friendship can look like and what a great thing that is. Being at such a large university means you are bound to find people who share at least some of the same interests you do.

I am surrounded by learners, thinkers and doers, change-makers and innovators. I am often inspired by the people I get to call my friends and other students doing awesome things on this campus. You WILL find people who want to discuss foreign policy, feminism, Kanye West’s genius or whatever else you want to talk about.

Truer words have never been spoken.

It won’t happen overnight. Like I said in the beginning, this blog is titled In All Honesty for a reason. I won’t lie to you, the first little while is tough. That could mean a couple days to a couple months for you. Whether you’re a commuter or you’re living on campus, you’re still in a brand new place with thousands of people you’ve never met before. And even if you’re a returning student, everyone is still in the same boat during the first few weeks of school. New classes just mean new opportunities to meet people.

I underestimated just how lonely it would be to move to another province and have to start over again. I once heard that it takes two years for people to become fully acclimatized to a new situation. That sounds like a long time, but then I thought about how Grades 9 and 12 were the best years of my junior high and high school experiences, respectively. These things take time, so hang in there even if it sucks at the beginning. This post is getting real long now, but I just wanted to stress that your experience at this school is what you make of it. I don’t regret choosing UBC. This year, I joined electives and applied for positions that made me realize how passionate I am about writing. My res experience wasn’t the best it could be and that was because I didn’t put the effort in. I made a snap decision to join a club that connected me to some of the best friends I’ve ever had.

I am so excited to come back in September because I know how much I’ve learned and grown in just eight months. To returning students: congrats on finishing exams and thanks for being part of what makes our community such an interesting place to learn. To new students: get hyped.

11/19/13

On Finding Faith & Friends (Part 2)

To pick up this story where I left off:

“Going to that BBQ set in motion a chain of events that leads me to today, many friends richer and a lot less lonely.”

At the BBQ, I can remember thinking that the people at this club were a little weird. They were all so happy, which was weird for me because to say that my emotions are a little understated would be an understatement. The club execs were friendly and welcoming which helped because this was the first time in a long time where I was surrounded by people I didn’t know and had to do things like making small talk.

Afterwards, C*, my roommate, and I discussed with each other how much we enjoyed the BBQ and the people. It’s hard to remember what happened next. I signed up for their mailing list and that’s how I heard about “Core”. Core groups are small groups (well, ours has like 18 people) led by senior students that meet weekly in every residence and do things like Bible study, praying and eating yummy snacks together. I put my name down for the appropriate Core. They happened to be meeting in my floor lounge.

Have you ever met someone and just know that you’d be great friends or maybe something more?

Well as soon as I sat down for that first Core meeting and the group (mostly first-years too) started introducing themselves, I just knew that these women would become friends of mine. And that’s exactly what happened. Core for us has gone beyond just a weekly Bible-reading/snackage sesh. People from the UCM club at large often comment on how cool it is that our Core actually hangs out outside of events; we do stuff like getting waffles, exploring the beach and going to church together. And UCM has helped me meet even more people outside of Core.

Best of all, my faith has been transformed more in these two-ish months than the last 17 years of my life.

I am so glad I made the spontaneous choice to check out their both two months ago. One of those women actually became my Core leader which was an interesting twist. Everyone always says that to make new friends in a new place, you should just join. I totally agree. If you’re struggling to find your people, or even if you’ve already got a ton of friends, join! Join clubs, join stuff you’re interested in, join clubs doing things you’ve never heard of! I know it can be scary at first because you don’t know anyone, but somewhere along the way, you’ll look around and realize that actually you do know them. If you’re surrounded by people who are automatically interested in the same things you are, or even if they’re not, you guys have already got something to talk about.

So go for it.

*We’re gonna call her C from now on, k? Cuz I don’t feel like it’s very nice to use her full name on the very public Internets without her express permission.

11/19/13

On Finding Faith & Friends (Part 1)

In my first few weeks at school here, I realized that I had a problem: I didn’t know what to do with myself on the weekends.

In high school, I went to school Mon-Fri and came home on evenings and weekends. Now, I actually LIVE at school, which sometimes makes it feel like school and school work is inescapable. All the stuff I used to do to have fun during my free time was gone. My friends are spread around the country now and my family is back home along with my bike. I can’t go for long rides around my neighbourhood anymore. I can’t call up my best friends and go see a movie or just hang out together and I can’t just do something spontaneous with my little brother and sister.

When this hit me during the first couple of weeks, it was a little depressing. Sure, I went out to some of the fun events planned like AMS Firstweek and stuff like that. But while lost in the crowd at Paint Party, I realized it just wasn’t the same going out without my wingwomen, the girls who had been by my side for years. So I kinda stopped going out and just did homework on the weekends, especially as the pace was picking up in my classes.

I was lonely and for the first time I can really remember, I had to put effort into making friends. I’m glad that I have a roommate, otherwise I probably would have spent even more of my time with myself. Sometimes it feels like I only exist within the four walls of my dorm room. I can spend almost full days there, especially when studying for midterms and such.

Now to cut off this mopey monologue before it gets any sadder, I should tell you that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

One day during the first week of September I happened to be walking along East Mall near the bookstore. I looked over and saw a couple girls standing at a table looking friendly. They probably had a sign announcing the club they represented, I can’t remember anymore. Without really thinking about it, I decided to cross the street and hear what they had to say.

That was probably the best decision I’ve made since coming to university.

Before I moved to the campus, I knew that I wanted to get connected with a Christian community. At Imagine Day, I had gone to most of the Christian clubs’ booths, but none of them felt right, so I was a little discouraged. When I stopped at these girls’ booth that day, I found out that they represented University Christian Ministry.

They were friendly, one of them complemented the purple in my hair (that might have a little something to do with why I liked them so much) and after talking about churches in the area they told me they were having a free BBQ that Friday. I decided to go because, why not? It was free and I’d meet some people. It turns out that my roommate was going too, and I think that might’ve been how I found out she was also a Christian. Going to that BBQ set in motion a chain of events that leads me to today, many friends richer and a lot less lonely.

That journey will be covered in Part 2, so stay tuned…

Liz