Pulling Your Insides Out
A couple weeks ago, something kinda scary happened to me.
I passed out twice while in the shower but thankfully I am a-ok. The most surprising thing about this whole incident was how mad my friends were that I didn’t tell them until a couple days later. Right after it happened I called my parents and the nurse hotline* to figure out what I should do. When the nurse advised me, after hearing about my symptoms to call 911, I said that seemed a little extreme; I was perfectly capable of walking to the hospital. She advised me against it, but I didn’t feel like paying for a 5-min cab ride, or getting on the bus when the hospital was less than 10 mins away. My friends later asked why I didn’t call them – they could’ve walked or drove me to the emerg. It actually did not occur to me. I’ve realized that I often operate as if I’m an island. I don’t tell people when I’m struggling and I don’t ask for help because I don’t want to be/appear weak / I don’t think I need help / I’m not very good at being vulnerable.
Case in point: this summer I went from working as a host to a server. Serving is all about multi-tasking and great timing. Like anything, it takes awhile to be good at it. The number one piece of advice I got from the experienced servers was “ask for help when you need it”. But I didn’t. And I saw the consequences one Friday night when the owner of the restaurant had to take a drink order for me because I never even saw that table since I was so busy running around trying to be superwoman.
I’m trying to be better. Logically, I know that asking for help doesn’t make you weak but I think I’ve always felt like I need to prove to myself that I can accomplish whatever I set out to do, by myself. I know from experience that that isn’t the best way to operate, but until recently I never thought about how that makes those around you feel. I love to help and so do other people. It honestly makes me so excited when one of my Imagine Day kids hits me up with a question. There are tons of people on this campus and in this world who want to help you with whatever you’re struggling with. (Like TA’s, God bless em.) My goal this year is to actually go to office hours, because I didn’t last year and I still regret it.
I think the root of my problem is an unwillingness to be vulnerable. To put my insides out there and let them speak for themselves. I’m not very good at feelings and sometimes I feel like I’m being dramatic or attention-seeking by telling people intimate details. But trust me when I say that not only are there people willing to help, but there are people willing to listen. Who will unflinchingly watch you unwrap yourself detail by detail; who will clothe themselves in your secrets and you in theirs; who won’t hang up when you call too late; who won’t accuse you of being dramatic when you unburden yourself.
Find em. Keep em.
*604-215-4700. Save that. They’re good if you’re ever unsure what to do in a non-emergency medical situation.
