Trigger Warning

It was a difficult break for me.

My uncle was diagnosed with brain cancer in early December and everything happened very quickly after that. I was still here in Vancouver when I got the news and it hit me hard.

But I finished my finals, said my goodbyes, cleaned up my dorm room, and play acted at normal.

When I got home, I could see that the situation was anything but. I’ve never really been affected by cancer in this way and the toll it took on everyone was really and truly unimaginable.  I didn’t realize that there was nothing to be done for him until I got home.

The waiting was maybe the worst part. But we spent the time as best we could and visiting with my uncle actually produced some funny and happy moments.  I won’t forget those. On Christmas Day my family got together and I saw cousins and others that I hadn’t heard from in over ten years. In some twisted way this whole situation brought everyone closer together.

I said goodbye to my uncle on Christmas Day. I’m not sure that he recognized me.

My immediate family left for our trip to Mexico as planned.  Everyone agreed that was best. Mexico was wonderful and I had a great time, but there were constant reminders of the situation back in my hometown.

I flew back alone for the start of school. It was a long journey from Mexico to LA and then from LA to Vancouver. I was exhausted and covered in a layer of who-knows-what from sitting on airplanes all day. (It’s a weird feeling, like your skin is coated, and it comes only from air travel.)

I passed through immigration in Canada and proceeded to wait for my bags. I waited and waited and then turned on the WiFi on my phone.

There was an email from my father. My uncle had passed away.

I waited for another half hour, found my bag, and left the airport.

I think I feel guilty for not mourning properly there in the airport and for pretending to be fine as I went through customs, hailed a taxi, showered, and went to bed. I feel angry that I have to be away from my family as I deal with this. And I miss my uncle and feel the loss of potential in what I think really could have been an awesome relationship.

He went to UBC when he was a student and stayed here in Totem Park. I know he had an amazing time here and maybe the best way for me to honour him is to do the same and to live and work and play at my best while I am here.

It’s all I can do anyway.

I love you, Uncle James.