Author: Suzanne Jolly

In the pouring rain, I drove down the highway. I always drive the Sea to Sky with a cup of hot coffee in my cupholder, waiting for it to cool down until I can take a sip.  I’m not feeling particularly motivated to get to work- it’s a Monday morning after all- and I know that there’s this beautiful little spot called Gallileo Coffee at Britannia Beach.  When I get to Britannia, I debate, but then find myself pulled over in the parking lot, and soon, wrapping my hands around a warm cup of coffee with two sugars.

The ritual of having a cup of coffee sometimes is a little too comforting to pass up.  I keep revisiting my reasoning and wondering why I felt like I needed to give up coffee.  I keep thinking why didn’t I just try to drink a LOT of water- why did I feel like I had to give up coffee too?

The more I try to kick coffee, the more I realize how much I miss my cup of comfort.  The more I miss that cup of coffee, the more I realize how much more important it must be for me to give it up. 

Caffeine is an addictive substance, but I’ve moved beyond the point where the physical addiction would come into play.  Now I find the psychological addiction is so much stronger.  The idea that I’m *that* psychologically addicted seems really disturbing to me.

I used to work in substance abuse prevention, and in those days, I found it frustrating when people talked about those with addictions as “having a lack of willpower.”  But I have to admit, as I’m trying to kick coffee, I’m shaming myself with “why are you not strong enough!?” types of naggings.  And at the same time, I have the little devil on the other shoulder telling me that I don’t really need to quit coffee in the first place.  The truth be told, this is reminding me about how much more compassion I should have for those with addictions to much more destructive drugs (like alcohol or tobacco or cocaine).  Because this is SO HARD.

I have a new argument to fight against the dirty devil on my shoulder, however.  For my birthday last week, one of my best friends gave me the gift of health. He knows that i have a ton of food allergies (I should carry a sign that says “please don’t feed me dairy, soy or eggs or kiwis or bananas”), and he sees me struggling consistently with feeling listless for no reason.   So he told me to go see a naturopath.  I believe in naturopaths and the like, but haven’t seen one since last year when I moved.

The naturopath tells me that there are a lot of things I need to do to fix my digestion (I won’t list them all here) which will ultimately fix my energy levels.  One of the things on the list is, of course: DO NOT DRINK COFFEE.

So there you go.  I have yet another reason to fight against my consistent impulse to go buy a cup of dark roast at the corner coffee shop.  I have to admit though- I had two cups of coffee last week, and another on Monday morning… so I’m really going to have to work at this.  So far it seems I haven’t really kicked my coffee habit at all. 

Is there possibly anybody out there who HAS quit coffee?!  I know folks who never drink coffee, but none that have actually loved it and left it.  It’d be nice to have a little I Quit Coffee Club…

I had a glorious long weekend, but it has taken its toll on me.  Although I spent two different days getting the blood flowing by rock climbing in Squamish, I find my neck and back are completely locked up today.  I’m struggling to stay with it this afternoon, honestly…

And you know what I think it is?  My pillow.  I forgot it at home this weekend, when I took off to Squamish, and I find that nights without my pillow are painful.

I don’t know if this type of pillow is for everyone, but it’s definitely become a necessity for my neck and back.  (The one I’m showing here is really expensive- I got a cheaper one at a local drug store, which seems like I”ll have to replace it every year or two because it starts to get too worn down…). 

Anyways, I’ve learned my lesson: long weekends are too long to not have pillow with me. (it’s like my very own version of a security blanket!)

** On the Yoga Front: I only did yoga last week once. And it looks like Thursday will be the only yoga opportunity again for me.  Thanks be for Jolene- inspiring me to get to yoga on the beach last Thursday!  It was a hot week, and my motivation was definitely lacking for doing anything.  So maybe it’s a lack of yoga combined with my missed pillow that’s got me all locked up?

Comfort in the Form of Coffee

So I realized that I haven’t been talking about the quitting coffee goal of mine.  So I thought I’d spend a little time today.  I haven’t been talking about it, because honestly, there hasn’t been much to talk about!

Since I got the flu (or some odd illness) which knocked out my eating abilities for a week or so, I ended up not drinking coffee (obviously) during that time.  So I think the illness I got gave me a little boost in quitting the coffee habit- I didn’t feel any of the physical symptoms of caffeine addiction.
(Here’s some good info [I think] about caffeine addiction: http://www.caffeinedependence.org/caffeine_dependence.html).

So I haven’t had a cup of coffee since we started the blog.  Until this past Friday.

I went across the street with a colleague for a meeting, to the local coffee shop.  I’ve had tea there recently, instead of coffee…so I didn’t think it was a big deal.  But I missed my cup of coffee- there was something emotionally comforting about the routine americano that I used to have.

And so I said to myself, “What’s one cup? Really, c’mon, I’m allowed a cup now and then…”

(This sounds so familiar- as it’s the same language that I would hear from people who were struggling with addiction [back when I worked in substance abuse]).

If you had seen me on Friday after 10 am, you would have been amazed at how changed I was.

I know, a simple americano!?  I must be joking!  But seriously, I haven’t felt that anxious in a very long time.  I felt stressed and spread too thin.  Certainly I had a lot of work to do (I usually do!), but it all seemed overwhelming.  I had a hard time focusing on one project.  I couldn’t settle down, even after my work day was done and a fun-filled weekend was starting.

And you know what?  On Saturday night, I ended up having another cup of coffee too, with a friend.

Luckily now, though, I recognize the slippery slope I’m on.  One cup really does lead to some health issues for me.  I used to struggle with anxiety a fair amount (and anxiety makes you breathe more shallowly, which can tense up the upper shoulders etc)  And I also noticed- that one cup does lead to another.

So this morning, I really needed a little emotional comfort.  I thought about going to my favourite coffee shop and picking up a dark roast.  Instead, I stopped into the corner gas station and got a juice.  It wasn’t the same, but I realized that one of the main reasons I’m drinking coffee is because it’s a ritual for me.  So I figure why not try to start a new ritual, and in the process get a little dose of fruits/veggies instead of a cup of anxiety?

On the Yoga Train

Just so everyone also knows- I’m addicted to yoga.  I did it three times last week (once even on my own with a friend on the beach).  And I’m even one of those yoga nerds at the beach on Thursdays with forty other people- when did I become so yuppie?

And I’m headed back to the beach tonight to get some more yoga in.

My back and neck don’t feel great though. I saw my chiropractor yesterday, and afterwards my plans to go do some yoga seemed unrealistic.  But I’m realizing that yoga is going to help me stretch out muscles are so immensely tight and short (like my hamstrings and calves).

It’s hard to know when your back and neck are getting better- sometimes you have to go through some pain, and then they get better. Sometimes, you have to rest. Sometimes you have to stretch.
I don’t really know the “recipe to success” for neck/back pain yet… but I think yoga can’t hurt (as long as I don’t do any crazy headstands).  So I’m on the yoga train- CHHOOooo Choooooo!

Clothes for Confidence

My yoga clothes are the same clothes that I wear when I often go rock climbing.  They’re a little battered by being scraped along rock faces, but they’re clothes that always make me feel powerful and strong.  (We need more clothes like this in our closest by the way).  I was nervous to try out yoga, but I put on those clothes to give me the extra motivation.

I realized as I waited to enter the yoga studio, that everyone else there was fairly new, and fairly nervous about the same things as me.  And that I was capable of trying this out, and if I didn’t like it, then I wouldn’t likely see any of those strangers again, so who cares!?

So yes, I did yoga last night (It’s likely my fifth yoga class in my life- and the first time since I started this blog.) And I really really liked it.

I’m A Yoga Cynic

Honestly, yoga seems like this huge fad- I equate it with beautiful women who are all wrapped up in “feeling one with the earth” and all that jazz.  So I’ve been a bit of a yoga cynic.  I only wanted to do this yoga thing because I’m so tired of my aching back and neck.

But you know what?  When you open your mind, and ignore all the lululemon-clad gorgeous women (yes, they were there!), yoga is really rather fantastic. (Did I really just say that!?)

It’s All About Me

I liked that it focuses so much on yourself. It’s about how you are today.  Rock climbing has taught me the same humbling lesson: Some days, I can climb 5.11s and make it look easy, while other days I struggle and whimper my way up the rock as if I never climbed before.  I found that yoga is definitely humbling for me, despite the fact that I think climbing has made me fairly strong and flexible!  There are some poses that I seem to be able to do but there are some that are definitely difficult or currently impossible.  So I’ve realized that my body has FAR more muscles in it than I was aware of, and that I am FAR less flexible than I had previously believed.

And you know what’s so good about that?  Is that in a yoga class, they seem to say that it’s all ok to be at where you are that day.  Maybe I can’t bend over and put my palms on the ground. That’s ok.  Maybe I can’t stay up in a pushup as long as I thought. That’s ok.  Maybe I lose my balance a little.  That’s ok too.

There are far too few times in our world when we’re encouraged to hold ourselves with such loving acceptance.   So I’m ok with having found muscles that don’t know really how to do what they’re made to do.  Especially since I plan on checking in with them more often, and figuring out how to build them up. 

I Can’t Wait to Return!?

I felt so energized and grounded after yoga that I couldn’t wait to do it again. I’m going back on Thursday…maybe even meeting a friend today or tomorrow to get a little yoga in via DVD.

And in terms of my neck and back- I’ve found some muscles there that are so tight and some that are so under-used, that it seems that this yoga thing might just be what my body needs.  We’ll see how this goes!

(and on another note, I just want to put out a special thanks to my body for remembering how to digest food and overcome illness so that I could feel well enough to do yoga this week!)