Watch this!

The above video is quite relevant here (by here I dont mean just Mexico, but being surrounded by people from all over the world). Some of the things I’ve actually gotten:

“You’re from Canada? But you look Chinese” or “But you don’t look…*awkward silence*[white?]” or walking down the street random stranger: “Are you Chinese?”

or in my first art class we were asked to draw self-portraits with our non-dominant hand. And my teacher says “Oh, you didn’t draw your eyes the way they are”. At the beginning of class she told me I had small–“but very beautiful!”–eyes. seriously.

or a drunk stranger actually grabbed my face outside a bar when I told them I was from Canada and began disagreeing with my statement

or the many many times people have felt the need to SHOW ME PHYSICALLY ON THEMSELVES what my eyes look like to them. Oh yes, thank you I had NO idea my eyes were slanted and small— how enlightening this conversation is to me.

The world only makes sense again when I explain that my parents are Japanese. Then after that, oftentimes I just become the Japanese girl…although I’ve never actually lived there. My identity is allowed to be more complex than one country or the other no?   Because I am not denying my asian-ness, I am actually really proud of my duality even though I make jokes about my asian-ness or non-asian-ness sometimes.

Nonetheless, can you sense my resentment? My anger and bitterness under my sarcasm? It is a reflection of these feelings that I am sorting through constantly, in a way that I haven’t had to do since I realized I didn’t have the same freckles or fine blond hair as all the white girls in my elementary school.  When I experience those ´questions of origins´ in Mexico, I immediately feel exasperated, then angry, then not so sure of myself. How much of this I need to just let go, and how much I need to be angry and vocal about?  Oftentimes what makes me angry or laugh is a series of fine lines between who is saying it to me, what context they are saying it in, and what they are saying exactly.

And the “Oh, well people are less educated and less-traveled so it’s okay” just doesn’t cut it for me (I am actually oftentimes the one who says this to myself). Dude. Saki. We live in a globalized world where people have access to a lot of shit. And it matters because if somebody TELLS you they are from somewhere you don’t go ahead and question that. You can be polite about it.  I partially blame mainstream North American culture that gets spread all over the world. People are watching these shows and things that represent America (and in turn Canada) and all they see are friggin white people. Did you see the Academy Award nominations this year? The nominations are basically deciding what is best out of 8 movies about white dudes (with the exception of Selma).  I think the lack of diversity in large mainstream industries such as music and movies creates unrealistic ideas about American/Canadian culture.

Lastly, I do want to point out that  I don’t wish at all to look any other way than I am now. Self love, I am into that shit. Also, I should say that I haven’t gotten this from everyone I have met. I just want to make the point that it can be exhausting and frustrating to have to deal with this so much more than I do back home. There must be some sort of lessons here…I am working on it!