“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet.”
-Romeo and Juliet (II.ii.1-2)
When I turned 19, I legally changed my name from my Chinese name to Adeline, which my parents so ceremoniously chose out of the back pages of a dictionary when I was six upon our arrival in Canada. This was a big deal to me. Growing up, Adeline was the name I used and associated myself with (and I still do); however, on legal documents, I was known as Yuanshu, or Yuan Shu, or YuanShu…I still can’t figure out which one it is…
I remember having to correct every one of my teachers on the first day of school as they struggled through trying to pronounce my legal name before giving me a look of relief when I explained they could call me Adeline instead. This moment was accurately captured in the TV show “Fresh off the Boat” when the main character, Eddie gets introduced by his teacher on his first day of school.
People who have only ever known me as Adeline (which was basically everyone) would look at me with confusion the first few times they hear me being called by a different name, or see me filling out a form with my legal name.
This is not an uncommon experience growing up as a Chinese immigrant in Vancouver. Many of my friends have expressed similar experiences growing up learning when it’s okay to just used a preferred name and when a legal name is required. We’ve bonded over the struggles of trying to remember which version of our legal names is used on which documents and the ‘correct’ way to write our legal names on forms.
Growing up, I can’t recall an instance when I’ve been made fun of for my name, although I know friends who have been, but I still grew up with a feeling of embarrassment by it. I felt like, and still often do feel like, it is something I should hide away and not associate myself with. Often I feel ashamed when people see my legal name for the first time and ask me how it’s pronounced even when they seem genuinely interested.
I’d like to say that now that I’m older, this feeling of embarrassment for something I should be embracing as part of myself has gone away, but I’d be lying. Even through my first years of university, I felt a sense of annoyance every time I had to put down my legal name on an exam. I have no idea where this sense of shame originated from, but I find myself wondering if this is also a form of internalized racism.
I find myself wondering why I felt so strongly about legally changing my name. Is it simply because I associate with ‘Adeline’ more? It is after all the name I’ve used for most of my life. Or is this me trying to fit in and prove myself as being more ‘Canadian’ in some sense?
And after reading an article from the Globe and Mail on how having an ethnic-sounding name on resumes decreases the chances for a call-back, I wonder about the ways I have unintentionally benefited from having associated more with my Anglo name. And I wonder about how differently other people, and myself, may perceive me had my parents not given me an Anglo name.
Luckily for me, my legal name was easy to pronounce but somehow I felt like going with my nickname: Maria in high school. Mainly because I unconsciously thought that instead of my own legal name, English name that is more familiar to foreigners will be comfortable to say and share. Well, now I use my legal name in university but still somehow my high school friends still call me Maria. I am fine with both but sometimes get confused which represent me the most of all.
I relate to this post, as my full name is Samina, a rare name in Western countries. Ever since I was 12 I have been shortening it to “Sam.” I’ve always wondered, though, whether I shorten it because I actually like “Sam” better, and feel like I identify with it more, or if its a subconscious attempt to fit it? Sam is a common Western name. No one mispronounces it or gives it a second glance. No one asks, “Oh, where are you from?” when they read it. In contrast, lots of people mispronounce “Samina,” even after I’ve corrected them. Most people immediately ask me where I’m from when they read my full name. It gives rise to a feeling of otherness when people automatically assume I’m not from here- when in reality, I was born and raised in Canada, and have just as much claim to this country as they do.
Hi Adeline, I like the reflective thinking presented in this blog! Indeed, sometimes issues are not black and white. Especially in terms of racism, it is difficult to tell if some habits are just habits or if they reflect deeper meanings. But what reduces racism is the ability to dig deep in daily life like what you demonstrated here.