Hyperawareness and Asianness: Part II

The issue of hyperawareness is so vast, that I felt I couldn’t give it the space it deserves in just one single post (two doesn’t even seem to suffice…but I’ll settle). Part I dealt mainly with the issue of language, but there are many many other ways that I (and many other individuals of Asian descent) feel hyperaware of Asianness in public spaces. Some of these feelings arise so regularly that they have become almost unconscious. I really had to dissect my feelings to get to the root causes, and perhaps, that’s what’s most vicious about internalized racism – it’s like a virus that has embedded itself into your DNA; slowly it becomes a part of you and occupies every bit of you.

Canadians are known as being overly-nice, welcoming and generous. Chinese people on the other hand, are known as being rude and stingy. As someone of Chinese descent who has grown up in Canada, I often feel the need to act extra stereotypically-Canadian in order to avoid being seen as the Rude Asian. Worse of all, I have turned this stereotype of Chinese people (or just Asian people in general) onto others.

Just the other day, I was driving around Granville Island on a busy Sunday looking for a vacant parking spot when I finally spotted one. It was at the worst possible angle (parking spots on Granville Island are very free spirited and seems to grow however they wish) but it was empty and all mine. Exuberant, I turned my blinkers on and was ready to somehow magically jam my car in there in when out of nowhere a white expensive-looking car squeezes itself into the spot from the opposite direction. I looked into the car – three Chinese people around my age. Figures, I thought, it’s a bunch of spoiled rich Chinese kids. They got out of the car, completely oblivious to fact that I WAS SITTING IN MY CAR SILENTLY  SCREAMING OBSCENITIES AT THEM I was sitting patiently in the car waiting for them to realize their mistake. They were joined by an older Chinese couple, who also popped out of nowhere (I SWEAR THIS FAMILY MUST HAVE CRAZY NINJA SKILLS), and then the most amazing thing of all happened: they spoke fluent English. I heard them. They talked about how lucky it was that they just happened upon this (MY) spot, and walked away. They sounded like nice people and like they genuinely didn’t see me waiting for the spot, so I let it go. But still the incident gnawed at me…not about the parking spot but the fact that despite me being Chinese as well and speak fluent English, somehow I did not expect them to. And worst of all, I simply attributed their (perceived) rudeness to their Asianness and vice versa.

I think back to working as a cashier at a supermarket a few years back. Whenever we had some kind of charity event and an Asian-looking person didn’t donate, a small voice inside would tell me it’s because they’re Asian. And whenever an Asian-looking person would donate more than the average person would, the same small voice inside would tell me that they’re an exception.

In a funny way, I feel the need to be extra courteous in public because I want to distance myself from Asian-stereotypes, but also to prove those stereotypes wrong. And in some small part, I feel the need to make up for all those Asians who fall into those stereotypes.

I don’t yet know how to reconcile with this, but it’s something I work on at chipping away every day.