Helping my secondary school prose writers overcome some of the main pitfalls of beginner writing is a delight—especially when I recieve such great pieces like these two, from the New Shoots Anthology.
My Comments…
Jimmy’s prose stood out to me right away. He has a strong voice and his attention to detail is stunning for such a young man. See how he immediately tried to set the scene by engaging the reader’s senses? For example: “…cinnamon bread circles the insides of my nose…” “…noisy pet shops, unorganized clothing boutiques, quiet book emporiums.” his wit and sense of humour come out in his writing, too. Towards the middle of this story, somebody shouts “Sale!” and all the shoppers rush to the store like craven madmen. Very funny.
Excerpt from Mall
Jimmy Zhang
University Hill Secondary
A nostalgic smell of fresh cinnamon bread circles the insides of my nose the minute I enter. A slight tilt of the head to the right and the origin of the essence can be seen. A cozy little doughnut shop brimming with the usual customers. A thick wall of sound from the droning people walking in every direction barrages my ears.
I catch snippets of conversation: “Oh look the new spring fashion is here” and, “What should we get Johnny for his birthday?” The beauty of these moments envelops me as I gaze at the plethora of stores, noisy pet shops, unorganized clothing boutiques, quiet book emporiums. Yet the whole line of shops forces the swarm of shoppers to this place rightfully declared a haven. A place where people of all ages can sit and talk amongst themselves while enjoying meals that differ from small salads to the guilty pleasures of enormous and fattening burgers with obscene amounts of fries and topped off with an icy beverage.
This is the haven named “Food Court.” It is where children run and play despite the constant protest of mothers with bags and bags of clothes they will only wear once. This is the place where the familiar phrase “may I take your order” reins king.
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My Comments…
Notice that this story hooks you from the start? We are immediately presented with an unhappy character and then we hear a mother’s voice chiding. There’s conflict from the beginning. Sometimes young writers reveal the central conflict too late—by the time the reader gets to it, they’re bored. Also, by the end of the fifth paragraph we see that the protagonist suffers from pride and stubbornness. Very interesting. Often in student writing, the main characters seem faultless and needs some personality flaws added so that the reader remains intrigued. I also like his use of rhetorical questions throughout the piece.
Excerpt from Signposts
Anson Chen
University Hill Secondary
Al slouched. His oversized shoes sent dust clouds spiraling over the beaten path with every unwilling step. Fists stuffed into patched pockets, dark hair limp, eyes gleaming with a flame of discontent.
“You listen to me, Albert,” his mother had said. “Follow the path and go to school. I cannot teach you to read and write, and you must learn. Go now.” She had marched pouty Al out the door and onto the dry, sandy road.
He knew he would be punished if he disobeyed. And so he had set out.
He carried nothing—the schoolhouse would provide all the materials he’s need, his mother had told him—but the child’s rebellious thoughts were burdens of their own.
He didn’t need to go to school. Who needed to read and write when they knew everything else? And it was true that he knew just about everything. Eight years of life was plenty of experience in Al’s eyes. His gaze drifted to his surroundings as he treaded the path.