I crept under the sheets, too tired to change my battered clothes. I had just returned from the war; the one where my cholesterol clad arteries rebelled against my diet of raw cake batter. Cake batter won, DUH!
I was lying in my empty bed, thinking about Caitlyn Jenner’s hot zones. I was about to step into a world of dreams, where I was a bikini model flaunting my assets on a beach somewhere, eating a cake, slowly, seductively. Yeah, you got that 😉
That’s when it started.
But then the real shit happened.
My crap decided to break dance. I could literally feel that thing move in the rhythm of uptown funk in my anus. Crap, let’s give it some dignity and call it Frankie, was unlike any other I have ever met. He totally started dancing upwards, towards my torso. Things were pretty weird at that point, but Frankie decided to take it to another level, he started biting!
It was a code blue in my pants, the biting was getting stronger. I realized that I had to be out of my mind to believe that a crap that cool really existed, so I decided to investigate a little before I took care of it. I took my phone, shoved it in my pants and took a picture of my ass.
I looked at my phone and screamed so loudly that my window shattered and there were pieces of broken glass flying everywhere.
Okay, maybe it didn’t shatter…..
But I swear, it shook violently.
There, from behind my phone’s screen stared back a cockroach. It was a cold, austere stare, the kind that shakes your soul. My first instinct was to kick off my trousers, and roll off the bed screaming.
I was barely holding on to dear life, when my parents, woken up by my cries up broke into to my room. ‘Oh dear lord’ I heard my mom gasp. Watching me writhe and twist on the floor naked, they came to the conclusion any rational adult would; I was dying.
My father dialed 911 while I continued to scream. I may not have been brutally attacked, but my dignity had suffered a great blow. A cockroach break danced its way to my ass and kissed it.
Life seemed to have lost all its meaning.
I was wrapped in sheets, and carried back to bed. Screams alleviated to whimper, and when I had finally gathered myself, I asked my mother to switch on the lights. And that’s when I saw the babe, glistening under the bulb, sitting on my trousers with an evil smirk. Our eyes met, and with cryptic symbols and stares, the babe delivered the message that, it wasn’t over. And then proudly he walked away.
I made up a story about having a nightmare, and asked my mother to sleep next to me. I was putting together an army, preparing for a battle.
This happened years ago, when I was just a year into my teens, and thought I had a beach body. I am now a giant baked potato who sleeps still alone, with one eye open. Who knows, the babe that kissed my anus might decide to return one day.
And I will take my revenge.