I’ll be perfectly honest with you.

I’m not an expert in sociology, psychology, or cultural studies.

I don’t know the half of everything that the residential schools entailed.

I went to the Belkin Art Gallery today by the ocean at UBC to see the exhibit of “Witnesses: Art and Canada’s Indian Residential Schools”, and I couldn’t speak the entire time.

I knew the residential schools were evil, but I didn’t know they were that evil.

Evil enough to steal children from everything they’d known,

evil enough to steal those children’s innocence and souls and lives,

evil enough to mar their hearts, their bodies, their sense of who they are.

And that evil took place not too long ago, right here. In Canada.

And I can’t shake it, and please don’t think I’m coming from the point of view of a European Canadian who doesn’t really care and is just writing a blog post to look “socially adept.”

Why did we think it was okay for this to happen?
Why did we let it happen?

We are all for buying ethically sourced clothes, and sponsoring third-world children. It is glamorous to go to Africa and build a house for a week. It is glamorous to fill shoeboxes with mittens and non-perishable items every November.

It’s even glamorous to be someone who has suffered anywhere but Canada.

And I’m not discrediting people who have suffered, anywhere, but I am discrediting us.

We raise money for mental health awareness campaigns and “write love on our arms” for the suicidal, and that’s cool, too.

But when people start talking about the Indian Residential schools, where they were stolen from their culture and families and support system and forced to learn English and European and Christian ways, we somehow don’t see it.

We only see their struggles- the alcoholism and drug use that often accompanies suffering. We tailor our mental health programs to white fifteen-year-olds instead, and come up with AA and preach sobriety – not trying to see what has caused the pain these people are dealing with.

I guess these are an awful lot of empty words coming from me, someone who has been so zealous for justice and help outside of Canada, and has forgotten the injustice that took place right under our noses.

The injustice that is taking place under our noses- the funding-cuts from the First Nations mental health programs, the painful process it takes to get compensation for medical help, the attempt of Canada to “pay” the First Nations for what they suffered, as if that will help.

And honestly, I don’t know what to say, or what to do, or what to think, or how to live. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do, and I wish so bad that there is. I know all the blog posts in the world can’t change anyone’s thinking and can’t take back the innocence stolen and the lives lost in these horrible, horrible, residential schools.

I’m sorry.

WOW.

It’s been three weeks since school first started?

Three weeks since I eager-beaver-ly rode my bike to UBC only to realize I’d misread google maps and the ride was actually 1 hr and not 15 minutes like i thought…and showing up for my student ID picture with my helmet hair dripping with water.

Three weeks Two weeks One week 3 days (ok never mind) since I cried about being so far away from home.

Since then,

I FINALLY figured out all the textbooks I needed,

I was introduced to the SUB and food there, so I didn’t actually need to scrounge around the bookstore and finally find some healthy chips I could eat…

I heard about a sauna in the aquatic centre from some lovely people I sat beside in O-Chem,

I learnt how to use the bus- and got all the way from Surrey to the ferry terminal on a cray day that involved a doctors appointment AND a trip to Victoria on a tight schedule- my CLAIM TO FAME. wow. skillz.

And I’m actually starting to be a bit organized. After a crazy few days of not knowing what the HECK i am supposed to be doing for each class, missing the calc homework that i didn’t write down(or couldn’t find), ALMOST missing countless assignments, failing my first chem quiz(…..oops)…I think I’m getting the hang of it.

WOO.

Guys I found the best food in the SUB!

Okay, so maybe the only food that I can actually EAT…with all my food allergies/intolerances 😉 So maybe I’m a bit biased.

SPROUTS. Have you been there yet? It’s a little student-run eatery around a corner by the photography club in the far end of the first floor of the SUB. There’s students crammed around every table and at the line up waiting for their bowl of food.

I was one of the lucky ones to get one of the last bowls of their quinoa dish yesterday – it was a delicious “fiesta bowl” filled to the brim with peppers, broccoli, chard, and other veggies, chickpeas, and seasoned lightly with cumin and other spices. I mentioned to the girl at the counter that I hadn’t eaten like this in all three weeks of being here, and the fellow on the booth next to me nodded and laughed and said he hadn’t, either.

Cheap, nutritious, and all in a warm and welcoming atmosphere – how could you go wrong?

PS. No one paid me to write this!

I’m wearing orange today.

Not that I want to stand out and be seen.

But because so many of us are not seen.

So many of us are living silently and wanting to disappear,

altogether.

So many of us can barely get out of bed in the morning even though it’s the first day of university, the first week, the second week, and things are supposed to be new and exciting,

but they’re not.

Because you’re hurting inside, you want to be whole, you can’t see through the darkness.

And you need something bright.

That’s why I’m wearing orange.

To be a bit of brightness in the darkness that hovers around you.

To be a bit of hope that says “You can do it.” 

Hope that came alongside me when I was suicidal, and said, “Abbie, you’re worth so much and cannot be replaced.”

You are worth so much. You’re worth more than depression tells yourself. You CANNOT be replaced, no matter how insignificant you feel, and no matter how people treat you.

You can’t see it now, but I can. I’ve been there.

And trust me,

sisters, and brothers,

it gets better. 

The sun peeks out some days.

A little bit of brightness emerges.

And one day, you will, too.

Maybe not today, or tomorrow, maybe not even next year.

But one day, the darkness will lift.

You can get through this! I know you can.

If you or a friend are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please, please, please, don’t leave it to the last minute. There are many resources on campus and off campus -and around Vancouver/wherever you are.

You can call 1-800-SUICIDE (1.800.784.2433) or visit UBC Counselling Services or TWLOHA .

Some tips to get you through each day:

1) exercise. i know it’s hard enough getting out the door to class when you feel like your world is crumbling or like you can’t feel anything. but your body and mind and spirit need those sweet endorphins you get from exercise. If you can, take the stairs, or walk the long way around to your classes. try not taking the campus bus. heck, even just walking from class to class is excellent exercise!

2) eat. your brain cannot function without healthy food, or food in general. if vegetables and fruit don’t appeal to you, eat something else. just eat. of course, veggies and fruit can boost your mood- or take the edge off a bit. especially during school season, all of us need to be eating adequately- ideally more than 2000 calories (even if you’re a woman). we can’t even think straight without enough good food, and depression may only worsen if you’re avoiding food because of the depression.

3) find a buddy. loneliness sucks, eh? even if you don’t want to talk to anyone about your pain and thoughts(which I recommend), finding a friend who cheers you up and doesn’t drag you down makes a world of a difference, a friend who just loves you and likes being with you. try making a friend in your class. i know for me the class sizes are daunting(coming from a town who actually has less people in it than my chemistry class), and there’s so many people in a rush all the time. but maybe one day introduce yourself to a classmate. go to a social. just do something to be a part of the world around you. even if it`s kids(plenty of volunteer ops there), or older people(so grounding), i strongly encourage you to surround yourself with people who accept you.

4) don`t overload yourself. if you are getting too dragged down in the next month or two, drop a class(last day to drop a class at UBC is October 11, 2013). try saying no when people ask you to do things and you feel like you`re at the end of your rope. get lots of rest my friends : )