I may or may not have just caught a security guard trying to steal my phone.

So, something weird happened to me in the SUB today.

It started out the way it always does on Wednesdays: I bought my Wednesday’s Special burger (no pop, hold the mayo, sub for veg patty) at approximately 1:30 PM, then found a seat within earshot of The Burger Bar* so I could study for my calculus quiz while waiting for my food.

* Details provided just in case you wish to stalk me. Next week’s story could be about you!

After about 30 minutes, my number was called, so I left my table to go get my burger and put the fixings on it. Except someone stole the vinegar bottle again, so I had to wait for a new bottle to be put out.

While this was going on, I kept glancing back at my table to make sure no one was stealing my stuff, comprised mostly of one netbook, my water-damaged calculus textbook and my iPhone 3G with the broken home button that runs so slow i’d probably have to pay someone to steal it from me—and that’s when I noticed the security guard.

At first I thought it may have been coincidental that he happened to be standing next to my table. Or perhaps he was hovering around my table to watch my stuff since it was obviously unattended. What a nice man! Except, after a couple minutes of looking at my table, he PICKED UP MY CELL PHONE AND STARTED EXAMINING IT.

Vinegar forgotten, I walked up to him. “Is there a problem?”

“This is your phone?” He asked me. Ummmmm… obviously. “Yes.”

“What’s the background photo?” Seriously? Ok, I’ll humor him. “Me and my dog?” Translation: WHO ARE YOU WHATS GOING ON WHY ARE YOU STILL HOLDING MY PHONE

(This is how I think: In caps. Run-on sentences. No punctuation.)

He presses the home button, obviously trying to turn on the screen to verify my story. JOKES ON YOU BUDDY! HOME BUTTON IS BROKEN!

“The home button is broken. You have to press the power button. No, not that button. Here, the one at the top. Yeah, that one.” Internet, I have a problem. I’d help a robber load my flatscreen TV onto his stolen truck in the middle of the night just because he was having trouble carrying it himself and the noise of him stumbling through my house and bumping into my walls was disturbing my sleep. Sick. So, so sick.

He finally manages to turn on the screen. It is indeed a photo of me and my dog because, as mentioned previously, IT’S MY PHONE.

“Ah, it is your phone. You know, you shouldn’t leave your stuff unattended. While one person is talking to you over there, another person might be taking all your stuff over here.”

Well, if I didn’t know that before, I certainly do now!

Moral of the story: Watch your stuff. Not particularly around other students, but especially around suspicious people hired to monitor suspicious activity.