To: Darius Zhang, Technical Writing 301 Student
From: Jenny Li, Technical Writing 301 Student
Date: October 5, 2021
Subject: Peer Review for Definitions of Dao
It was a pleasure to read your definitions assignment. Your expanded definition of Dao is very informative and interesting. I was left impressed with your engaging writing style and level of understand for this term. I would like to recommend the following suggestions:
Organization: The questions you asked were thought-provoking and helped organize your assignment. However, we had to write three definitions for the same term: a parenthetical definition, a sentence defintion, and an expanded definition. While I was reading your assignment, I was confused where is each definition. I would suggest using clearer headings to indicate where each of the definitions are.
Expansion Methods: I really enjoyed your expansion methods “What is Dao?” and “How did it develop?”. These were detailed and engaging. Nevertheless, I was unable to identify more than two expansion methods. I would recommend adding two more expansion methods to meet the assignment criteria.
Pronouns: I noticed many pronouns used in your writing. While sometimes it makes sense to use pronouns, other times it may be better if they are left out. For instance, “I read Lao Tzu’s book…” can be changed to just “In Lao Tzu’s book…” and “I think…” can be left out so that your definition sounds firm and factual, rather than opinionated.
Conciseness: Some sentences can retain their clarity or become clearer with more conciseness. For example, in the first sentence of “What is Dao?”, the phrase “Can be interpreted…” does not have to be repeated in front of each of the three interpretations that is listed. The sentence makes sense if “Can be interpreted…” is used just once and the three interpretations are listed out with only commas. In this manner, the sentence can be: “Dao can be interpreted as the “meaning of someone’s life”, “kindness in someone’s heart”, or as moralism.” instead.
Quotations: You used many quotations in your assignment! It shows that you researched the topic well and the direct quotes add poeticness to your writing. However, I would suggest more paraphasing instead of using direct quotes to show deeper understanding of the topic.
Overall, your assignment as enjoyable and well written. The definitions of Dao are descriptive and written in a compelling manner. The strongest aspects is your writing style; the piece flows well and is easy to follow. The image used is relevant, adding necessary depth and clarity to your assignment. More adherement to the assignment criteria and better professionalism would greatly improve your writing. I hope my recommendations are helpful. Please contact me if you have any questions.
Definition reviewed: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-99a-2021wa/2021/09/30/definiton-assignment/
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