TO: Evan Crisp, UBC Student
FROM: Brent Hanover, English 301 Student
DATE: March 3rd, 2019
SUBJECT: Writing with You Attitude
Hello Evan,
I have reviewed your email as you requested and suggested improvements below. While your message conveys the message that you want to get across, there are several areas where the informal style of writing isn’t appropriate for formal writing.
- Instead of “bahaguy5454@hotmail.com”, a more professional email such as “evancrisp54@gmail.com” is a much more mature email address that people will take more seriously.
- Instead of introducing the email with “Hey there”, addressing the addressee by name directly is more personal and doesn’t come across as an automated message.
- Writing the fragment sentence “I guess it’s full?” doesn’t actually prompt the reader for input. Rephrasing it into a proper sentence and question will get you better results.
- Refusing to be in a certain section because of personal preferences is off-putting to the reader and may cause offence. You do not need to list reasons why you don’t want to be in the later section; it is better to leave it open ended by saying that you simply prefer the other section.
- Mentioning how you are going to the beach at 3pm and requesting an answer before then is unprofessional as it shows that you think that your leisure time is more important than their working time, as is mentioning that you will be on vacation for the beginning of the term. Omitting mentions of leisure time and vacations shows that you are committed to the class.
- Using unprofessional jargon like ‘asap’ or ‘squeeze me in’ can infer to the reader that you cannot take the time to write a serious message. Utilizing a more serious and professional tone will make the reader take the matter more seriously.
- Instead of an acronym like “ttfn”, a closing remark such as “regards”, “sincerely”, or “thank you” is a more sincere greeting that shows you are taking the matter seriously. Including your full name at the end of an email makes your message much more personal as well.
- Consider changing your post script message into a separate paragraph in the body of your email. A post script is generally not appropriate as they appear to be inserted as afterthoughts instead of taking the time to format the body of the email.
While your message was easily communicated, the tone of your email and the unprofessional jargon used shows the reader that you are not taking the matter seriously and you value your time over theirs. Formatting your message with the above recommendations will prompt a better response and may just get you into that section. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at brentsemail@email.com.
Regards,
Brent Hanover
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