TO: Jennifer MacFarlane
FROM: Brent Hanover
DATE: March 5, 2019
SUBJECT: Peer Review of “You-Attitude” Email Memo to Evan Crisp
Hi Jennifer,
I have reviewed the email sent to Evan Crisp regarding his use of “You-Attitude”, well done! It is clear that there was considerable time and effort invested to help his email be taken seriously by his reviewer. I have made some notes below that I believe will be useful in making the review even stronger.
First Impressions
- The email is very non-confrontational and reads like you truly want what is best for him. The writing style critiques his writing without being condescending, good work!
- A big wall of text can be difficult to read; consider breaking up the memo into sections for better clarity.
- Placing the greeting of the email on a separate line like what was done for the farewell phrase yields a better overall layout and makes the email look more structured.
Use of You-Attitude
- The tips listed are sometimes worded in the imperative which can sound authoritative and off-putting, for example “address them” or “[a]void imperative statements”. Rephrasing these sentences using the present participle (“addressing” or “avoiding”) is a more non-confrontational method of relaying information.
- Using “you” or “your” in the body of an email can often be misconstrued as confrontational. Removing these instances can help convey a more friendly tone.
- Good work with successfully avoiding using “I” in the email’s body.
- The writing style often reads like there is appreciation of the person’s work. This makes them much more receptive to criticisms.
Grammar
- There are a couple of comma errors in the introductory paragraph; reworking the grammar will increase clarity of the document.
- It looks like that the word “that” should be included in the final bullet point following or replacing the word “them”.
Expression
- Two of the sentences in the introductory paragraph are very similar and could be combined to avoid redundancy.
- Consider rephrasing the conclusion to remove information that is not directly applicable to Evan’s email.
Taking these points into consideration will make an already-strong email into an even better one. The writing style is excellent and information is relayed effectively and politely, keep up the good work! I have included a link to the email here. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me at brenthanover@gmail.com.
Thank you,
Brent Hanover
Leave a Reply