Assignment 4:1 – Application Package Draft – Peer Review

To: Brianna
From: Jenny Bachynski
Date: March 28, 2019
Subject: English 301 – Assignment 4:1 – Application Package Draft – Peer Review

 

Brianna, thank you for sharing the first draft of your application package. I have reviewed your work and feel that I have some helpful suggestions to create improvements. You have presented yourself in a very professional and qualified way. The application is strong in regards to the academic and work experiences that you have detailed. I have suggestions that pertain to formatting and elaboration that could benefit your work:

Job Advertisement:

You have provided a very detailed job advertisement which meets all the assignment’s requirements. This useful information can be advantageous when writing your cover letter. You have thorough information of what would be expected from this job. A MLA citation is also included. Good work on this section.

Cover Letter:

Format

The formatting of this letter is correct and easy to read. Be sure to include a signature between your closing salutation and your name this will create a more professional closing.

Introduction

Good work on being precise by specifying the job you are interested in right away. You haven’t wasted any time giving the highlights of your academic experiences, and this gives the hiring committee immediate clarity. Be sure to edit the following errors that are grammatically incorrect:

Original: My educational and professional experience include writing, research, communication, and management, all of which would can be great assets to your team.

Edit: My educational and professional experiences include writing, research, communication, and management – all of which could be a great asset to your team.

Body

You have done a great job giving numerous examples of your skills. You could elevate your work by showing how those those skills would transfer over to the job you are applying for. Many of the sentences start with “I”, so including opinions on how the insurance job would relate to your experiences could add a pleasing break.

I would suggest trying to make some of your sentences even more concise. For example:

Original: Through my position as a senior shift supervisor at Club Demonstration Services, I have gained extensive knowledge of completing timesheets, paperwork, schedules, organizing meetings, and leading and assisting staff.

Edit: As Club Demonstration Services shift supervisor, I gained skills pertaining to time sheets, paperwork, scheduling, organizing meetings, and leading staff.  

Conclusion

Good job on highlighting your most important skills and confirming that you have references. As per my suggestion in the body paragraph, elaborate on how your skills fit with those needed for the job. You express that the position would benefit from your core strengths, so tell us how. Good work on including the enclosed resume note.

Resume:

Contact Information/ Objective

The information is given in a clear and immediate way. Good job on making it very accessible for your prospective employer.

Qualifications

Great work on using the job posting and transferring their expectations for a future employer into your qualifications. This shows that you have read their advertisement in a detailed manner. Be sure to think about every important skill that you have, and don’t leave anything out that is relevant to the job.

Education

Your education is displayed in a concise and easy-to-read manner.

Experience

You have offered your job experiences in the proper chronological order and given detailed job descriptions. If using different fonts for headers, dates, and titles, I would suggest making sure they stay consistent (all the titles have the same font, all the dates have the same font, etc…)

References

Good work including a note on references.

Request Letters:

Format

Good work on providing the proper letter formatting. In order to create the most professional and traditional letter format, I would suggest adding the recipient and sender’s addresses at the top left of the page.

Tone

You have written in a very professional and grateful tone. Your introductions are very strong and concise. In the body paragraphs, you have used a strong you-attitude by showing how your past work was beneficial and the companies were important stepping stones in your career. Good job!

Overall Design:

Your entire application package is designed in very clean and legible way. There aren’t any major formatting issues that need fixing. I would suggest making sure that you are being consistent with your use of fonts. It is helpful and aesthetically pleasing to use multiple fonts in a package such as this, but the font choice needs to be purposeful and cohesive.

Overall Grammar:

There are very few grammatical errors. I would highly suggest doing an edit and fixing a handful of typos that were throughout the package. Also, try to make sentences as concise as possible by speaking in the active voice.

Conclusion:

Overall, you have made great progress with the first draft of your package. You are heading in the right direction to make this an excellent resource for yourself. To summarize, here are the main takeaways from this review:

• Make small changes to formatting issues: signature in cover letter, addresses in reference letters, font consistency in resume
• Edit for typos
• Try to elaborate on how your experiences pertain to the new job

Good luck with the rest of your application process. I hope that my suggestions will aid you in creating the best package for your job search. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.

-Jenny Bachynski

jennybachynski@alumni.ubc.ca