(content warning for: rape, misogyny)

This is a hard post for me to write, because I am trying to “get it right”. This is not my story, but this is something that needs to be talked about.

My friend recently shared a post on Facebook that talked about the definitions of sexism & racism that was met with quite a few comments that challenged the definitions listed.  Challenging opinions is expected, because often times definitions in social justice go against the grain of what we have learned, and start what can be the very painful process of unlearning.

It is this pain that can sometimes be channeled into anger, hate, and various acts where the end goal is to silence what (or who) has caused this pain.

For my friend, she was met with abusive messages in her personal inbox, after the individual had made public comments on her post. Her inbox was transformed into shades of red hot anger by him.

“Get raped”

“You feminist piece of  [crap].”

There are words he used here that I can’t post here: Words that aim to hurt women (the c-word). Derogatory words that aim to shame women who have sex with women (starts with a ‘d’). These words are very specific acts of violence that aim to silence people.

So what happens when we publicly reject these words and hold people accountable for their words on social media (Facebook, in this case)? “community standards” happen.

“community standards”: a big title for something that only protects very specific narratives and very specific people that fit into the brand of Facebook.

Those people and narratives who do not fit within the “community” are silenced.

This is something that is so much bigger than this story, because this happens every day but is especially prevalent towards women, young children, LGBTQ+ folks, people with disabilities, and people of colour.  The narrative of the survivor of violence is silenced and is told to rejoin a society that profits off of rape culture (that being anything that normalizes rape/threats of rape/aids in silencing survivors).

I stand with my friend in this unimaginable time: where they have tried to take her voice, tried to kick her while she is down.  What they don’t know is that she is stronger than the walls and doors of silence, and together we can break down and rebuild these forces that try to silence the most important voices.

Hello. My deepest apologies for being so absent. Sometimes the only time I get to write personally is like 1 a.m. Anyway, it’s the last week of classes / the week before exams. It’s not exactly the most positive time of year, and today the only thing that got me out of bed was coffee. This goes out to anyone who’s feeling overwhelmed, under appreciated, stressed, sad, or all of the above:

 

I Know

I know there are days when you will walk through the sand and only come home with rocks in your shoes, and your feet will be blistered and they will bleed like you just removed the deepest knife from your spine.

I know people will have expectations of you, but I need you to know that it is okay to just be the drop of water in a bucket.  It is okay to disappear and to be forgotten.

I know there are days where you don’t want to get out of bed, and it’s not because of a nosebleed, or a headache, it is because you simply can’t take the world sometimes.

I know that walking away from people who don’t care about you is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.

I know that there are dark places in this world, and there are people that will make you feel like a mistake.

I know that sometimes that B- on your paper makes you feel like a B-.

I know that sometimes the most heartfelt apologies come out as a bitter “fuck you.”

I know that what you meant to say is “I love you.”

I know that sometimes you end up tripping over the leaves that were supposed to bring colour to your life and you start to question almost everything.

but I know

I know that if you run for long enough in the dark you will get to a bonfire of people that will light you up, and make you feel like you have something to offer the world.  I promise that if you run for long enough that fire can live inside of your heart. No matter how many bubble sheets you have to fill-in to prove to the world that you deserve to be here.

I know that you can do this.

—

8:30AM: wake up majestically to “Brooklyn Baby” by Lana Del Rey

8:35AM: second alarm goes off and I’m starting to hate Lana. She is no longer queen. Where is snooze?

8:40AM: third alarm. I really hate her.

8:41AM: groan/yawn/put it music to attempt to wake up

8:43AM: discover that not syncing your playlist since like July affects your quality of life and all the old songs are really terrible.

9:26AM: oh god, i have a meeting at 10.

9:27AM: it’s by Gage

9:28AM: why

9:32AM: yesterday’s jeans are okay, right?

9:33AM: I’ll take the bird that just flew by my window as a sign that, yes, that is okay with the universe.

9:45AM: la dee doo. gettin’ ready to leave, i might be on time zomg

9:46AM: notice resident’s alarm clock going off three doors down.

9:47AM: scream internally

9:48AM: go deal with said alarm clock

9:56AM: why did that take so long?

9:57AM: ooh, maybe community shuttle

9:59AM: -see community shuttle drive by me-

10:00AM: lol gonna be late h8rs

10:21AM: walk into great dane and apologize profusely. i look fashionable late, right?

10:21AM and-a-half: sort of, but not really.

11:47AM: leave meeting for class

12:00PM: prof makes awkward joke

12:07PM: prof makes really awkward joke

12:10PM: prof is now role-playing

12:10PM and-a-half: he just jumped. wut.

12:12PM: this prof may be the next supreme and i am scared for the future

12:30PM: I wish I had brought food

12:32PM: regret not stealing prof’s diet coke that one day. i could’ve saved it for today.

12:45PM: prof talks about handing exam back

12:45PM and-a-half: lol if i failed that exam lol lol lol such joke much return of doge

1:00PM: walk out with slight hesitation of which door to use (but the one on the left has less people ugh but it’s far)

1:15PM: meet up with ella and end up going to totem for lunch

2:07PM: ella’s wrap fell apart. it’s the beginning of the apocalypse. run.

2:30PM: try to find TAs email for crwr (with ella in tow)

2:45PM: go to menchies

3:02PM: acquire menchies. with pumpkin pie froyo. ’tis the season.

3:15PM: walk back, holla back

4:01PM: arrive to 4 o’clock meeting.

5:00PM: finish meeting

5:07PM: go lie on bed. i am dog. woof

6:17PM: go acquire dinner. there’s a baked pasta thing?

6:18PM: it’s more like baked vegetables with a side of pasta?

6:48PM: depart and run to sub for blank vinyl project event

6:57PM: meet sofia. hi sofia.

7:09PM: arrive fashionably(?) late

7:09PM and-a-half: yeah, okay, i AM wearing the same outfit. will i ever be fashionably late?

7:13PM: acquire cocoa moo with marshmallows

7:16PM: try to look cool

7:18PM: schmooze

7:24PM: work the room

7:32PM: work it girl

7:45PM: say my goodbyes

7:47PM: wave like the queen

7:47PM and-a-half: might be late

7:55PM: sprint

7:59PM: stroll into totem commons for RA sign-in

8:05PM: play it cool

8:07PM: ice ice baby

8:15PM: arrive back in room

8:30PM: maybe i should do work?

8:45PM: hahahahahahahahhaha what

9:00PM: say hi to sarah from 6th floor

9:12PM: start writing a break-up poem

9:14PM: deliberate word choice, enjambment, overall emotions

9:15PM: consider crying

9:16PM: nah existential crisis

9:35PM: lol

9:59PM: emotions are weird

10:07PM: begin 10 o’clock rounds

10:15PM: why are you playing sam smith? i don’t need this.

10:32PM: return to room

10:35PM: my peppermint tea is cold

10:36PM: i didn’t take my multi-vitamin

10:39PM: consider blogging

11:01PM: yeah maaaaaybe

11:55PM: goodnight, internet.

x

 

 

 

 

sometimes when my poetry prof gives us a prompt and i’m just sitting there in my chair as stiff as one of those brushes you use to wash dishes, she notes it and says: “just write.”

that’s kind of what i’m doing right now. welcome to my stream of consciousness.

i haven’t changed my profile picture in a couple of months and i’m like wow i should really do that but i also should do the wreck beach stairs. hahahahahaha. i ate a bag of skittles and linkz last week. not meal shaming or anything. junk food is G R E A T for the soul, but then i just end of lying there like a dead fish with a mouth and i’m just like:

these flex dollars on my meal plan are really not a good idea. i mean they just enable me to buy all this junk food. FREEDOM OF CHOICE WAS BAD I AM NOT READY. SOMEONE PLEASE BRING ME VEGETABLES BEFORE I TURN INTO A SOUR PATCH KID.

cool.

—

academics wise:

i dropped two courses and picked up one. five course would’ve sent me packing i swear.

i was gonna blog about this whole ordeal and title it ‘drop it like it’s hot’ and how i had an epiphany about the whole thing about how this is my degree and i should really do it the way i want to, but alas, that idea kind of fell out of the canoe.

i was in a canoe once. with my parents. it tipped. let’s all picture that.

and i guess what’s on my mind *most* this year, is trying to be a tad more academic than I was last year. by which i really mean a lot more than a tad. but again, this place is just one big learning game in life and we’re going to have those days where we (read: I) end up slipping up and not prioritizing so well.

like last night when I was watching New Girl (which got good again btws. finally. wtf) and The Mindy Project (it was always good) and was supposed to be doing some reflection. hahahahahah. priorities.

this has all been a learning experience in time management for me.

to end this stream of consciousness let me say:

-my water bottle is purple

– i have a whistle on my keys

– yes i’m starting to put spaces after the bullet point, and the first one doesn’t have one. SUE ME.

-sometimes i’m too lazy to go get breakfast so i just make oatmeal with my kettle

– i have a kettle

– i should sleep more

-Viola Davis is on TV now. everyone should watch her wow. yes.

– i haven’t actually watched that show yet. it’s called ‘How to get away with murder’ which sounds like it teaches some useful things(?)

-my cookies are in a crate and barrel jar

– my candle is amber scented wow wow wow

-alt-j launched an new album this week and lights and perfume genius. i suggest all of them. cool. cool.

– GOING TO BRUSH MY TEETH NOW

– I use colgate total rn if anyone’s wondering

– a bieber gif is really a good note to end on

hello, and welcome back to (oh wait I have a new name! Can I still say welcome back?) DAY-OLD MOONSHINE

Lemme start off by giving some background on this name.  It’s been something that has been in the back of my head since I last blogged (lol that was July). There was something that the Possibility Wasteland did not quite fit anymore.

‘The Possibility Wasteland’ was coined by me in grade eleven as the title to a Writing 12 assignment on Procrastination.  The idea behind procrastination is really one of masochism, and so in re-titling my blog, it’s also an attempt at new found respect that I’m trying to have for myself.

‘Day-Old Moonshine’ stems in the idea of something memorable happening in the past, for me.  It may not have been the happiest, or most responsible of times, but within it there lies a truth.  Honesty has always been at the forefront of my beliefs, but I believe this new title breeds an honesty within myself.  It’s looking at my reflection in the moonshine and writing an honest recollection of an event, a story, a thought etc.

Tangent: they totally had moonshine at this one party I went to when I was like 17. I left early because people started almost projectile vomiting after it. GOOD TIIIIIMES.

—

Anyway, rolling with this post. Hi. Welcome. First week is almost over.  Alas, those AMS first week wristbands will be thrown away. WHAT A SHAME.

I’d like to highlight the time at which I am writing this btws.  It is: 2:31AM.

I can safely say my mom will call me tomorrow expressing deep concern for my overall well-being, so this is my shoutout to her: Hi, I love you.

Someone tampered with the fire alarm on my floor and it made a really awesome chirping sound that woke up my whole floor. Of course it was my job to get up and go deal with this. (insert painting nails emoji here, or something else to express my passive aggression for whoever did this…)

Anyway, I was lying awake and I could’t sleep and well, my laptop was close, and my brain has been doing hoola-hoops since the alarm started chirping.

—

We’re going to get to my point before this whole post ends up being one giant ramble.  It’s titled ‘The Deep End’ because:
a) it’s an awesome Hannah Georgas’ track
b) that’s kind of how I’m feeling. (Like I’ve been thrown in the deep end)

I’ve been running with this analogy for my life since I walked into my Sociology 312 today and was welcomed by the prof that was NOT the one I was expecting. The one who was supposed to be teaching it was my favourite prof ever.

It’s like expecting a heated pool, but being thrown in the ocean.  Even the taste is a little bit different.

The reason I’m writing this, though, is to extend an arm out to anyone else feeling thrown into the deep end right now. It’s a cold place that we might not have expected, but we are still able to swim.

And, with that thought, I’m going to TRY to go to bed. I wish you all sweet dreams, sweet mornings, sweet afternoons, sweet evenings, and sweet twilights. (Or if sweets aren’t your thing, then I wish you salty or acidic or whatever taste you prefer). We will chat more soon.

x