Dear Diary:
6 years old
My teacher doesn’t like me. I got dragged to the office today. I was sad and scared. I’m not sure what I did wrong. I’m not sure anyone in my class likes me, and I’m not sure how to make friends. My baby brother is so cute. He just got home from the hospital. I want to hold him so badly, but my mom says not to touch him. I sure would like to. He’s real cute. My dad and my new mom had him. My real mom died. I don’t know anything except she died. I bet she loved me a lot. I bet she was the prettiest lady in the world. I bet she’d never get mad at me. My big sister is so much older than me. She’s seven. I try and get her to play with me, and I try to make her laugh. We have the same dead mommy. But our dad didn’t die. He married my new mom. She wants me to call her mom. She has a nice son named Chris. He has a different daddy. He has red hair and he is kind. I like him. He plays with me. I love our house in Armstrong. I wish my new mom would hug me and play with me. My daddy is funny, but I think he loves my big sister more than me. He bought her a shirt that said “Daddy’s little girl,” mine just had a picture of a kitty on it. I really wanted him to give me a shirt like hers. My dad can get super angry. I’m going to run outside and play. There is a corn field right by my house. I love to play in it, and there is a big cement parking lot I run on, and drag my wagon and Chris pretends to be the horse, and he pulls the wagon with a skipping rope.
Dear Diary:
9 years old
We moved to Prince George, and I am going to a new school. It is the meanest school I could imagine. Today the kids on the monkey bars screamed at me to get off and go away. Big girls were scaring me. I have been here for months, and I don’t have any friends. My teacher can’t stand me. She sends me into the hallway almost every day. I have to walk home every day. Today I had to go to the bathroom so badly, and I peed my pants running down the road. My house is kind of scary right now. My dad lifted it up, and he’s making a basement. We have to walk across a narrow bridge to get inside, and sometimes the house shifts while we are in it. It was my birthday a few days ago and my step mom didn’t make me a cake. My sister tried and it fell all to pieces. I cried, but no one even cared. My dad was screaming and yelling last night, and I stayed in my room. He spanked me today because I lied. He spanked me with the belt. I was super scared. I hid in the corner of the bedroom, but he kept lashing the belt at me. I don’t think he loves me. I will try to help him love me. My family goes to church every Sunday. Sunday mornings are usually grumpy in our house because we are all trying to get ready. My mom and dad fight a lot, but when we get to church my mom looks happy. We have to play outside a LOT because mom likes to clean the house. We have a very clean house. And she likes to cook us good dinners. I would love to go in the house sometimes, but we have to stay outside and play until supper. The neighbor boy caught me and Chris on his land, playing in the forest, and he told us to get off his property. I hate this place. There’s a boy at school that hates me. His name is Rob. I keep telling on him, but no one does anything. He scares me. I am going to tell him to watch out because my dad will be so angry and talk to his dad if he doesn’t stop. My dad used to be a Sherriff. My dad is not scared of anything.
Dear Diary:
16 years old
Sweet 16. My dad and mom are split up (which is a relief). My dad moved out, which is good because he scares me so much. He smashed a lot of things before he left, and now he’s mad at us kids. I just want the fighting to stop. Mom is super depressed, and she is out a lot. Chris moved away to live with his real dad—I miss him. Is he really my brother? I really thought he was. He’s the best. M y little brother is driving me crazy. Last night when he was asleep I slipped into his room and whispered in his ear that he will be kind and good from now on. It didn’t work. I am home alone with him. Mom leaves me a lot of chores, while he drives me crazy. I don’t know what to do. I am relieved we don’t have those horrible uncomfortable dinners when dad and mom fight and then dad gets super mad. I got a part in the Drama Club Play at school and my mom says she doesn’t like the changes she sees in me. She thinks I should quit. No way! I’m sad. I like my small bedroom downstairs. I wish my sister had more time for me. We aren’t allowed to talk at bed time. I wish I could visit her in her room and talk to her more, but mom says to go to our own rooms. I put up my real mom’s picture. I don’t care if my step mom doesn’t like it up in my room. My real mom gave birth to me; and I don’t care anymore if it hurts mom’s feelings. I want my real mom’s picture up!
Dear Diary:
47 years old
I’ve made so many mistakes, and I have gone through agony; but I have learned from the pain. I have learned that too many rules are horrible and unnecessary, I’ve learned I need to stop being so angry, and start letting lots go. I value love now more than ever. All the rules, rules, rules and religious laws are a thing of my past. Now I realize that life has natural consequences. I will reap what I sow. I still make mistakes, but I am better. My dad disowned me years ago. I tried all my life to get his love, finally I realized he is not a father. My step mom has become my friend, and I have grown in forgiveness towards her. I appreciate her instilling the value of good meals and a clean home, but I will never be as clean as her. My sister is my rock. My little brother is wild as ever, but we love each other. Chris will always be my brother. He’s still kind as ever. I live far from all my family. I have moved and moved and moved. Home is now having a happy, grateful day of peace, and I try to have as many as possible. (I am not always successful.) I value love enough to (more often) refuse to fight over little things. I appreciate love, because I have lost many loves over the years. Home is my work which I love. Home is just me being happy day by day.
Kim Bellwood